


someone still loves you

by much_ado



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Drinking, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Original Character(s), Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2020-12-08 00:34:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 48,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20985029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/much_ado/pseuds/much_ado
Summary: Suga thought he knew what he was getting into when he decided to study abroad in America for college. When the reality of being thousands of miles away from his home, away from everyone who loves him, isolated by the language barrier and the stress of school turns out to be too much for him to handle, he loses himself in alcohol and drugs and casual sex.Then Tendou Satori finds him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oof, here we go. This fic, just fair warning, is gonna be a bit of a doozy. It was also 100% inspired by me listening to _Pray for the Wicked_ on loop for weeks when it first came out, and especially by "One of the Drunks."
> 
> Rating and most of the tags are for future chapters. Do note that the referenced noncon is _not_ between Tendou and Suga, but between one of them and another person. The mild dubcon tag is for some of the tensuga scenes.

Suga was surprised he managed to sleep at all on the plane. He was crammed in economy, trapped in the window seat by a couple who slept soundly the _entire_ way. It was a good thing he didn’t have a small bladder. He was restless, nervous about what the next day would bring, but he managed to sneak at least an hour or two of sleep. 

On the second flight, from Seattle to New York, he gave up on sleep entirely and opted for coffee and a meager breakfast consisting of the cookies given to him by the flight attendant and the onigiri his mom had packed for him to eat on the plane. By the time he landed, the combination of nerves, caffeine, and bone-deep exhaustion had him feeling jittery and weird--all in all _not_ prepared for tackling the nightmare that was American public transit. 

Suga was very good at English. Top in his class, even. He was confident in his ability, and he’d known what he was getting into when he applied to study in the States.

Or anyways, he’d _thought_ he had. Right now, though, faced with a bustling airport full of English speakers, with signs in English, constant announcements in English (and Spanish and French, not that that did him any more good)--he was utterly out of his depth. He could feel the panic rising in his throat, but he did his best to focus. He followed the flow of people leaving the airplane, and after a moment caught sight of the sign that said “Baggage Claim.” 

He took a deep breath. He could do this. 

He retrieved his suitcase, and then looked around for the next sign he needed: the bus. He’d assumed he could take the train from the airport, but discovered he was wrong--to get into the city from the airport you had to take a bus. 

He managed to find his way to the buses, and had a fresh wave of panic when he saw how many there were. He glanced around, trying to find the one he needed. He spotted an employee, and made his way over, clutching the printouts with his bus tickets. He knew the right phrase to ask which bus was his, but as he stared at the woman, anxiety stilled the words in his throat--what if he was wrong? What if he wasn’t remembering the phrase correctly, and she thought he was rude? He pointed dumbly at the printout instead. Thankfully, she still understood, but his cheeks flushed with shame. What was _that?_

He scurried off in the direction she’d specified, and managed to find the right bus. He loaded his big suitcase underneath, and then climbed on, collapsing gratefully into a seat. He let his head fall back against the headrest, his eyes slipping shut. One hurdle cleared, at least. 

***

Things were a little easier once he made it to campus. There were student volunteers in bright t-shirts stationed all over, ready to answer questions--even ones asked in somewhat stilted English. With their help, he found his dorm and got checked in pretty quickly. He took the elevator up to the seventh floor, and then, finally, got to his room. He double checked the paper the RA had given him--room 713. 

He pulled his key out of the envelope and let himself in. 

The room was small, which he’d expected. It wasn’t _too_ cramped, though, and there was a window between the two beds. His roommate was called Shane, and they’d corresponded a bit over the summer, but since Shane didn’t have to go to the additional international student orientation, he didn’t move in until later in the week. Suga kind of wished he were there--even if they didn’t _really_ know each other yet, the faint familiarity of someone he’d at least talked to would have been welcome. 

He sighed, and dumped his stuff by one of the beds--he picked the left side of the room, because it just felt right. _Haha, felt RIGHT. But it’s the LEFT._

Wow, he needed sleep. 

He pulled out his phone and looks at the time--it was just after 10 a.m. local time. If he could stay up, he should. He sighed and unzipped his suitcase, digging out his shower stuff and a towel. At least he could wash off the airplane funk. 

His dorm was suite style, so at least he didn’t have to share the bathroom with too many people. Right now, it was empty. He set his things down in the shower and turned the water on as hot as he could stand it. The blistering temperature eased some of the knots in his back from spending an ungodly number of hours cramped like sardines in economy class, and even after he’d finished washing he stood under the spray until his fingers were pruned.

Eventually he was interrupted by an ominous gurgling from his stomach, and decided he should get some food. 

When he got back in his room and was dressed, he pulled out the handout he’d been given about the university dining services. The dining halls were all a little ways from his dorm, but he saw on the list that there was a Dunkin’ Donuts nearby. The picture looked good, and frankly his stomach was a little off from the combination of coffee and not enough sleep, so sweets sounded good. 

The donuts he got--one cinnamon and one chocolate glazed--were way sweeter than anything he would normally eat, but they went down well, especially when he washed them down with the iced coffee he’d also ordered after a moment of deliberation. He’d be even more jittery, but for today he figured that would just be the cost of staying awake. He pulled out his phone and looked at the map while he ate, getting a feel for his whereabouts. He could see the names of some of his class buildings on the map--he’d been checking his course schedule before he left home. There was a park nearby, too. He figured he’d walk around for a bit to get a feel for the area, and get outside. Sunlight was supposed to help with jet lag. Reset your internal clock, or something. It was a start, anyways.

***

In the end, the whole day was more or less a struggle to stay awake. He managed to have an okay time still, though. Figuring out his way around made him feel a little less out of his depth, and by the time he got back to the dorm he was feeling less panicked and more adventurous and independent. 

He’d found a grocery store and bought some basics, so he made himself some fried rice for dinner in the small, shared dorm kitchen. It wasn’t much, but it was homey and familiar and he couldn’t help but smile as he ate.

Once he was done with that though, he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. Most of the students weren’t moved in, so the dorm was eerily quiet. His room was white and bare and terribly sterile. He’d brought a few things by way of decoration, but it was hard to bring posters or anything on the plane. He hoped Shane had some, because the blank walls were gonna drive him crazy. 

He tried to focus on useful tasks, unpacking his things and getting his computer hooked up to the internet, but none of it took as long as he’d thought, and soon enough he was left to his own devices again, spinning idly in his desk chair. The panic he’d felt that morning was creeping up once more, combined with a powerful feeling of loneliness. 

He couldn’t get homesick. He’d been counting down the days until he left for school, and now he was finally here. _He couldn’t get homesick. _

He checked the time on his phone. It was 8 p.m., which meant it was 9 in the morning in Japan. Daichi and Asahi would probably be awake. A quick text confirmed this, and he booted up Skype. 

It was a relief to see their faces. It was a relief just to speak his native language, to not have to second guess his every word before he spoke it. He told them about his whole day, from the stress of navigating the airport to the donuts and everything else. He’d seen their apartment before he left, but he gave them a quick video tour of his dorm in all of its stark white glory. Asahi offered to send him some posters, and Suga jumped on the offer. 

Their conversation flowed easily, and it was tempting to let himself pretend that everything was normal, that he was just hanging out with his best friends--but he couldn’t escape the awareness that they were on the other side of the computer screen, over 6000 miles and nearly twelve hours of time difference separating them. 

Asahi and Daichi were together, too, and that made it worse. They were at the same school, sharing an apartment, still playing on the same team. Suga could easily have been there too. Part of him wanted to be. Right now, that part was _loud._ He missed them. 

Eventually, they had to leave for class, and Suga decided to give in to his exhaustion and go to bed. It was relatively early still, but it was close enough to a reasonable bedtime that he didn’t care. He was _tired,_ and he was in a weird, vulnerable mood that he hoped would go away with a good night’s sleep. He had orientation tomorrow, after all. 

He set his alarm, leaving enough time to wake up properly and eat something before he had to be anywhere, and then he got in bed. 

For all that he was exhausted down to his very bones, he had trouble falling asleep. It felt like the longer he laid there in the silent, sterile room, the louder his anxiety and homesickness became. In the dark with his blankets pulled up over his head, he let himself admit it--he was homesick. It hit him like a punch to the gut, and he curled in on himself, wishing the feeling would go away. If it weren’t for the fact that he knew they were in class, he might have called Asahi and Daichi again. Anything to abate the ache he felt. 

He cried himself to sleep that first night. 

***

His week got better after that. The orientation schedule at least kept him busy enough, and he was able to meet some other people to hang out with. It was nice not to eat every meal alone. 

On Wednesday, Shane moved in. He was _tall,_ with dark hair and dark clothes and a swagger that Suga hadn’t expected based on his somewhat dorky sense of humor. He came with _way_ more stuff than Suga had--but of course that made sense, since he hadn’t had to bring everything on an airplane. Shane’s parents helped him unload the boxes of stuff he’d brought, and when they were done they took Shane and Suga out for dinner. Shane feigned horror when he found out Suga hadn’t had New York pizza yet, so he insisted they introduce him to it. Shane wasn’t even _from_ New York, so Suga wasn’t sure why he was so adamant Suga try the pizza.

Shane’s expression of horror wasn’t so feigned when Suga poured hot sauce all over his pizza. Suga laughed and took a big bite with a grin on his face. 

To Shane’s credit, though, the pizza was delicious.

That weekend, Shane and Suga attended various welcome weekend events together. Trying to keep up with the constant rapid-fire English conversation was still rough, but he was managing. Shane was really nice about helping him when he didn’t catch things. 

Shane also seemed to have a knack for getting to know _everyone._ By Saturday night, he’d secured them invitations to not one, not two, but _three_ parties. Suga wasn’t sure what to expect from an American college party--he’d seen depictions in movies, but who knew how accurate that was. He was excited, though. Maybe a night of fun was what he needed to get him out of this funk. 

The party wasn’t quite as wild as Hollywood would’ve had him believe, but the small apartment was packed with people, red solo cups and beer cans in almost every hand. The drinking age here was a year older than it was in Japan, but that didn’t seem to be stopping anyone. Shane vanished for a moment and returned with a red solo cup full of mystery punch in one hand and a beer in the other. He let Suga choose, and Suga decided to take his chances with the mystery punch. 

He wasn’t sure what was in the brightly-colored concoction, but he could sure as hell feel it. One cup had him pleasantly hazy, and when he found himself with a random guy’s arms around him on the makeshift dance floor, their bodies pressed close together, he didn’t mind.

He liked it. 

He didn’t have to worry about his English when he was dancing, after all. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't say so explicitly, but I'm aiming to stick to a weekly publishing schedule, on Fridays! Most of the fic is written, so I should be able to hold myself to that.

**SEPTEMBER**

Suga rubbed his temple as he walked out of the tutoring session. His head hurt, and his brain was spinning with all the knowledge he was trying to cram in. He had a test coming up, and he was dreading it. He’d completely bombed the first one.

Suga had always been a good student. Never top of the class, but always _good._ He was responsible about studying, but he’d never had to study an excessive amount to get good grades.

Well, until now. Between the difficulty level of his classes and the constant language barrier, it felt like it was all he could do just to keep his head above water. He went to every tutoring session, every professor’s office hours, and his grades were mediocre. Passing, but not by a comfortable margin. He did alright on papers and homework, but the tests did him in. Under pressure, he’d forget the English words for things, only able to come up with the Japanese that was of no use to him.

He dropped his backpack on the floor, and ducked under his bed to pull out the bottle of vodka he had stashed there.

“I take it the tutoring went well, then?” Shane offered, pulling his headphones off.

“Oh, fan-fucking-tastic,” Suga said, taking a swig straight from the bottle. He made a face at the taste, and poured some into a cup instead, filling it the rest of the way with orange juice. “My brain is going to explode.”

“Well at least I’ll get straight A’s for the semester if you die from exploding brain syndrome,” Shane said with a smirk. Suga snorted.

“Is that actually true, or just an urban legend?”

“No idea,” Shane said.

Suga hummed dully in response. “I’m going to drink this, then I’m going to take a nap.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Shane said. “I was thinking about going out later. You down?”

“Please,” Suga said. “I think I’ve crammed all I can into my brain today; I could do with something to get my mind off it all.”

Earlier in the semester, Shane had helped Suga procure a fake ID, so they went out to bars as well as parties now. The idea of his friends at home finding out that Suga was drowning himself at the bottom of a bottle to forget his almost-failing grades gave him a squirming, uncomfortable feeling in his gut, so he did his best to ignore it. Besides, he was in college. It was only natural to let loose a little.

**Daichi 6:38 PM: **Hey, you up for skype?

Suga stared at the message, guilt coiling in his stomach. He hadn’t skyped with Asahi and Daichi in a while. He honestly wasn’t sure how long it’d been.

He downed the rest of his drink in one go.

**Suga 6:43 PM: **Sorry Daichi, I’m so beat. Raincheck?

With that, he collapsed into bed. His phone pinged with another message, but he didn’t check it. Blissful unconsciousness took him quickly.

When he woke up later, he saw the message he’d missed.

**Daichi 6:44 PM: **Another one?

***

“Suga!” Shane called to get his attention, coming over with a grin and throwing an arm around Suga’s shoulders, brandishing a ziploc bag of something. Sweets or cookies, maybe?

“Look what I scored us!” Shane said.

Suga raised an eyebrow, unsure what the big deal was.

“Edibles, man,” Shane said, enlightening him. “You down?”

“Sure,” Suga said. Shane pulled one out of the bag and split it in half, handing half to Suga and popping the other half in his mouth. Suga took and experimental nibble, and made a bit of a face at the taste. It was vaguely sweet, but not nearly enough to cover the strange, earthy taste.

“Just eat it,” Shane said.

Shrugging, Suga did as he was told, chewing the absolute minimum amount before he swallowed it down.

“C’mon,” Shane said. “Let’s wash it down with some shots.”

***

The rest of the night passed in a hazy blur. Shane whooped as Suga sloppily made out with some guy whose name he didn’t even know. Then the guy was dragging him to the bathroom, then Suga was on his knees.

Suga didn’t entirely remember getting home. There was a lot of swaying, and laughing, and heavy limbs. He was on his bed, and the room was spinning around him. Was the ceiling moving? He couldn’t quite tell, but he kept staring at it, transfixed. Shane was talking. Suga wasn’t sure what he was saying. He could hear words, but meaning escaped him.

Suga let himself float.

***

He did about as well on the second test as he had on the first.

**OCTOBER**

**Daichi 10:41 PM: **We haven’t heard from you in a while. Everything ok?

**Asahi 10:46 PM: **Daichi won’t say it, but we’re both worried. Please just text us.

Suga stared at the texts, guilt coiling in his stomach. He’d been dodging skype calls for weeks. He didn’t want them to see him like this.

**Suga 10:58 PM: **Ah sorry, I’ve been super busy with studying. American university is hard!

**Daichi 11:01 PM: **Don’t worry about it! We just wanted to make sure you were doing ok.

**Asahi 11:01 PM: **Study hard! I know you can do it. You always were the smartest out of the three of us :D

Suga set his phone face down, the guilt twisting into a solid mass deep in his gut. They had so much faith in him.

After that, he tried to keep to their regular skype calls. He dodged questions about himself, instead bombarding them with questions about how they were doing, their university volleyball team, updates on all their old teammates. He’s very good, he learns, at pretending everything is normal.

**NOVEMBER**

Midterms were a slap in the face. His grades on assignments had gotten relatively good, his English improving steadily. He had begun to think he might actually be getting a handle on things. He felt monumentally stupid, nausea climbing up his throat as he stared at his grades.

He cut back on the drinking for a while, really tried to focus on studying hard. He was doing well enough in calculus--the language barrier wasn’t as much of a problem there. The language of math was universal. His other classes, though… He made piles and piles of flash cards, went over them until the foreign words were swimming in his brain, to the point he felt dizzy.

He had to do better. He _had _to.

**DECEMBER**

**Daichi 9:37 PM: **Hey, when r u coming home for break? Asahi and I want to meet you at the airport. We… well, we have some news and we want to tell you in person :)

**Asahi 9:39 PM: **It’s good news, don’t let him worry you! Let us know, though! We’re really looking forward to it, we miss you!

***

**Asahi 12:22 AM: **Your mom just told us you were staying there over break. I know she said you were just trying to get a head start on studying for next semester, but… Suga, why didn’t you tell us?

***

**Daichi 4:16 AM: **I guess if you aren’t coming home and you won’t answer our calls we should just tell you. Asahi and I are dating. Sorry we couldn’t tell you in person.

***

**Asahi 10:05 PM: **Merry Christmas, Suga.

***

**Asahi 11:28 PM: **Why won’t you answer us? Suga, I’m really worried. Daichi too, even though he won’t text you himself. Please, please answer me. Just let me know you’re alright.

**JANUARY**

**Daichi 11:02 AM: **happy fucking new year

***

**Daichi 11:51 PM: **oh and our birthdays were great by the way, if you even care anymore

***

**Tanaka 1:19 AM: **Suga-san, I ran into Asahi-san and Daichi-san while they were home for the new year and they told me they haven’t heard from you in ages. They laughed it off, but… I can tell they’re both really worried. I don’t care if you answer me or not, but please let them know you’re alright. This isn’t like you.

***

**Asahi 12:15 PM: **Ok, I’ve tried being nice but it’s obviously not working. Suga, Daichi is a wreck. He won’t tell you himself because he’s angry but he’s worried sick, too. Do you even care? I don’t get it. Did we do something? For fuck’s sake, just let us know you’re alive.

***

**Asahi 12:51 PM: **Did our friendship mean ANYTHING to you?

***

**Daichi 1:23 PM: **fuck you, suga

**FEBRUARY**

The heavy weight of guilt became a fact of Suga’s life. It never really went away. Those last texts from Asahi and Daichi were always there, in the back of his mind. He should have answered them ages ago, but it was probably too late now. He hadn’t heard from them since.

He drank to forget, and when that didn’t work, he moved on to harder stuff. Shane seemed to have a knack for getting his hands on anything they wanted, and Suga never said no to trying something new.

He never quite forgot that guilt, but it was easier than he’d expected to lose himself trying to drown it out.

**MARCH**

He woke up and rolled over blearily, glancing at the clock.

2:13 P.M.

He should get out of bed. It was just so goddamned _hard. _Oh well. It wasn’t like there was much point; he didn’t have anywhere to be. He’d slept through all his classes for the day. Not that he’d have gone to them even if he _had_ by some miracle woken up in time. He wasn’t sure the last time he went to class. He might have missed a test the previous week. He didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t think about it. He was tired of having to _try_ so damn hard.

Eventually he dragged himself out of bed to take a piss. When he got back to the room, he grabbed a pop-tart and turned on the TV to some stupid, mindless reality show to kill the time. Shane would be back later, and hopefully he’d have some party for them to go to.

There was a part of him that was very aware of what was going on, that _hated_ what he was doing, but… he couldn’t seem to stop. Drinking was easy. Drugs were easy. Hell, _he _was easy. He didn’t really see the point in turning someone down if they were interested. He was a good fuck. At least that way he could be good at _something._

**APRIL**

He realized with a nauseating lurch that the end of the school year was approaching quickly. His grades… well, he hadn’t even checked his grades in a while. He had to, though. He knew his student visa depended on, well, being a student. If he failed out, he’d have to go home.

He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t let his friends and family see what he’d become.

He started going to class again, staying (mostly) sober during the week. He learned how best to charm his professors into going easy on him, taking advantage of whatever leniency they’d offer. He managed to get a few of his worst grades dropped. All he had to do was turn on the waterworks a bit, give them his sob story of how stressed he was, how much harder the language barrier was than he’d anticipated.

He couldn’t even tell anymore if the tears were fake. They came so easily, but they didn’t feel real.

**MAY**

When he got his final grades back, he stared at them numbly. He stared until his eyes started to blur as reality set in.

He’d passed. Just barely--he had skated by right above the minimum grades he needed to remain a full time student.

As soon as it set in, a horrible, ugly sob ripped its way up his throat. He curled in on himself, awful, broken sounds escaping him as he cried and cried until he was hoarse. He wasn’t even sure _why_ he was crying, after the work he’d put in to pull his grades up. Maybe part of him had been sure he was just going to flunk out anyway. But by some twist of fate, he hadn’t. He would continue as a student the next year.

And the year after that, and the year after that, if he kept his grades up. Three more years of this stretched ahead of him, seeming like an eternity. If he’d flunked out, at least he could be _done._ He could stop trying so goddamn hard. It would be an end, even if it left him with nowhere to go. He couldn’t stay here without his student visa, and he couldn’t go home. The thought of anyone back home seeing what he’d become twisted in his stomach, making him feel sick.

No, there was no way out but through.

***

He didn’t go home for the summer. His excuses were flimsy, but he managed to convince his parents he needed to take summer classes. It let him stay in the dorms, at least.

With only one class at a time, it was easier to focus. He managed to stay on top of his work, and slowly started to feel a bit more like his old self. That wasn’t _entirely_ a good thing, because it forced him to examine just how off track he’d gotten. He was a mess. His life was a mess.

He didn’t _stop_ drinking, but he tried to keep it to weekends only. He did stop with the drugs.

In his first summer class, he got a B. For the first time in _months_, he felt like maybe… maybe he could actually do this. He’d passed his first year, and now he’d received his first grade that could actually be called _good._ Maybe this was his second chance.

As the pieces started coming back together, though, he found himself more and more often staring guiltily at his phone. Asahi and Daichi had stopped even trying to contact him months back. The last time he’d contacted them in any way was well before that.

He had no idea how he was going to make it up to them. He only knew that he had to try. He _missed _them. He missed them like a hole in his gut. They were his best friends, and he’d treated them like shit stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

He was afraid to talk to them, though.

He was _ashamed,_ deep in his gut. Not only of the way he’d treated them, but of the person he’d been for the past year.

He made a vow to himself. He’d clean up his act--work on his grades, sober up, maybe pick up some extracurriculars to occupy himself instead of the constant parties. He’d get his shit together, and then he would apologize to Asahi and Daichi. He’d do whatever it took to make it up to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Tendou shows up!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY, TENDOU!

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

Suga felt vaguely like he’d been run over by a tractor. He was nauseous and ached all over. The worst was his head, which was pounding like it was fit to split open. His mouth tasted like ass, too, and felt fuzzy and awful. He groaned, rolling onto his stomach and cracking an eye open. 

He didn’t recognize the girl in bed next to him. Her hair was a tangled mess on the pillow, her lipstick smudged, her clothes flung all over the room. Her room, hopefully. It definitely wasn’t Suga’s. He pressed his face into the unfamiliar blankets, blocking out the light. Unfortunately, it didn’t do much for the pounding in his head. 

Steeling himself, he pushed up off the bed, working himself into a sitting position. His head swam and his stomach lurched, but he was probably with it enough to get out of here at least. He slid out of the bed as gingerly as he could, so as not to disturb its other occupant. He found his pants and his jacket. His shirt was nowhere to be seen. He tugged the pants on over his sweat-sticky skin, grimacing at the uncomfortable feeling. He pulled his jacket on, patted the pockets to make sure his keys and wallet were accounted for, and slipped out. 

He wasn’t even sure where he was until he got outside and spotted a street sign. 

Fuck, it was cold. December in New York was a bitch. He pulled his jacket shut over his bare chest. He was already achy and nauseous; the uncontrollable shivering really wasn’t helping. He set off at a brisk pace, despite his body’s protests. The sooner he got back to the apartment, the better.

***

He fell back into bed when he got back to his room. When he woke up again, it was dark outside. He made himself cup noodles for dinner (lunch? breakfast?), and ate in silence. Shane was gone for the weekend, so he had the room to himself.

He felt like shit.

Eating made him want to throw up, but not eating made it feel like his insides were going concave. He couldn’t win.

Half of his cup noodles ended up going cold, the broth congealing at the top. He left them sitting on his desk; he honestly couldn’t be bothered with throwing them away right now. 

He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth afterwards, hoping to get rid of the persistent foul taste. He stared at himself in the mirror, and let out a mirthless huff of laughter. There was gaudy red lipstick smeared across his face. He scrubbed it off, staring into the mirror as he dried off. He hardly recognized the person staring back these days. Dark circles framing dull eyes. Long hair falling into his face because actually scheduling an appointment for a haircut was too much effort. 

_Everything_ was too much effort. 

He trudged into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of whatever was nearest. He needed to get out of here. Too much time alone in his own head and he started actually _thinking._ All the guilt and stress and broken promises. He didn’t have the energy to deal with any of it. He shoved it back into the recesses of his mind, drowning it in booze instead.

Without Shane around to drag him to this party or that tonight, he’d probably just hit a club. He was pretty enough, there was always someone willing to take him home.

***

Between the alcohol running through his system and the strobing, colorful lights illuminating the swaying masses of people, Suga was pretty sure he was actually hallucinating when he first laid eyes on him. It wouldn’t have been a first, after all. And the odds of that particular head of obnoxiously red hair being _here—_in this city, in this shitty club, half a world away from the place they both called home—

Well, it wasn’t fucking likely. 

But then he turned around, and—it was, without a doubt, him. That damned redhead from Shiratorizawa. What the hell was he doing here? What was his name even… Ten-something?

Tendou. Tendou Satori, Suga remembered, hearing the announcer’s voice in his head, the deafening cheers from the Shiratorizawa side of the gym. 

It felt like a lifetime ago. 

Tendou looked up, and Suga quickly averted his gaze. He really, _really_ didn’t want to deal with him right now. Didn’t want to deal with _anyone_ who actually knew him, but especially not Tendou Satori. _Guess monster,_ they’d called him, and Suga didn’t want to find out if that uncanny sense of intuition carried off the court. 

Suga turned, trying to make for the exit, but he was stopped by a tap to his shoulder—a tap from two long, bony fingers. Suga pulled a face, but then steeled himself and turned around.

“_Shit!_ It is you!” Tendou said, cursing in English and then switching to Japanese. Then a strange look flitted over his face. “Wow, you look like ass.”

Suga stared up at him. It was the first time someone had spoken to him in actual Japanese in… god, he wasn’t even sure how long. Months, at least. The first time he’d heard his native language in _so long,_ anyways, and it was Tendou fucking Satori, telling him he looks like ass. 

Suga lost it. 

He broke down into laughter, bordering on hysterics, really. He couldn’t stop. It just poured out of him, increasingly manic and uncontrollable, and he laughed until he cried.

“Uhh…” Tendou said, “Are you okay?”

“Fuck if I know,” Suga said, wiping his eyes. 

“Um. Okay then. Well… let me buy you a drink?” Tendou offered, nodding towards the bar. 

Suga considered for a moment, but… honestly, what did he have to lose? He nodded, following Tendou over to the bar. He watched the way Tendou held himself--stiff shouldered, looking around surreptitiously. Fingers drumming staccato on the bartop, an attempt at casual. Suga snorted. Obviously, Tendou had procured a fake ID just like he had, but it looked like he wasn’t quite comfortable using it. Still, the bartender didn’t bat an eye as Tendou ordered a cider for himself, then turned to Suga. 

“Long Island iced tea,” Suga said. Tendou raised his eyebrows, but turned back towards the bartender. 

“And a Long Island iced tea for my friend,” he said. 

A couple minutes later the bartender set their drinks in front of them. Suga drained half of his before Tendou had taken two sips. He could see Tendou staring at him, and he stared back, raising an eyebrow as if daring him to say something. 

Tendou seemed to have some sense in his head after all, and he kept quiet on the matter. “Come on, let’s grab a table. It’s too loud over here,” he said. 

Suga shrugged, following him. Tendou managed to find an empty table and sat down, and Suga sank into a seat across from him. 

“I didn’t know you were in the States,” Tendou said.

Suga shrugged. “Yeah, I’m in school here.”

“Oh, seriously? Is it an exchange program? Where are you enrolled?”

“Nah, I’m here all four years,” Suga said.

“Ohh, cool!” Tendou said, seeming willing to roll with Suga’s reticence to give up much information. “I’m doing an exchange, so I’m just here for the year. I’m kind of glad—it’s so hard! Semi’s here too, but still speaking English so much is _exhausting!_”

Suga nodded. It was nice, but it was also strange. Sitting here, talking to Tendou Satori, of all people. Tendou was right, though. Suga almost hated how much of a relief it was to slip back into Japanese, for his words to flow smoothly from his mouth without hesitation. Even after being here as long as he had, there was still that persistent doubt. The fear he’d say something stupid, the mortifying feeling when he couldn’t remember the word he needed, especially in class. It should be easier by now, but it wasn’t. Speaking Japanese was such a relief he wanted to cry. He wanted to cling to Tendou like a lifeline.

Tendou, who he’d only ever met on opposite sides of a volleyball court, whose guts he’d thoroughly hated. 

He wasn’t sure if it was just the relief of talking to someone from home, but Suga definitely didn’t hate Tendou now. He was surprisingly easy to talk to—he didn’t mind if Suga never quite held up his end of the conversation; he chattered on happily, gesticulating wildly along with whatever story he was relaying. 

“Hey, I think one of your old teammates is at the same school as Wakatoshi now. Your libero, what was his name?” Tendou said.

“Noya? That doesn’t surprise me, he was always amazing,” Suga replied with a smile. It was nice to know Noya was doing well, at least.

“You still talk to your old team much?” Tendou asked. 

“Sometimes,” Suga lied. 

He felt a sharp pang of guilt in his gut, even as Tendou continued on talking, oblivious.

“Yeah, it’s really hard with the time difference, right? I’m just glad Wakatoshi is such an early bird, I can at least talk to him usually when he gets back from his morning run. It’s harder with everyone else.”

Suga used to talk to Asahi and Daichi after their morning runs.

Just like that, Suga snapped back into reality, and the relaxed, friendly conversation he’d been having with Tendou was suddenly too real. Too much a reminder of the person Suga used to be. He didn’t want to think about that person, or the things he’d left behind. 

“Hey,” Suga said, seeking an escape route. “You wanna get out of here?”

Tendou blinked a couple of times, his eyes wide. “Oh. Um… yeah, okay.”

***

Luckily, they were closest to Tendou’s dorm, so he had an easy excuse not to take Tendou back to his apartment. He followed him up the stairs, waiting patiently while Tendou unlocked the door to let them in.

Once they’d both stepped inside, darkness fell over them. The only light came in through the window, the soft blue glow of artificial light. Neither of them moved for the lightswitch as they took off their shoes and stepped into Tendou’s room. 

“So, uh—” Tendou started, but Suga advanced, walking Tendou backwards until he had him pressed against the wall, their bodies flush against each other. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Suga said, leaning into Tendou’s space as he stared up at him. “If that’s okay,” he added after a moment’s consideration.

Tendou’s eyes were wide, and they flicked down to Suga’s lips. “Okay,” he whispered. 

Suga surged forward, bringing their lips together. Tendou was surprisingly hesitant, dangerously close to _gentle,_ so Suga pressed him harder against the wall, his tongue flicking out against Tendou’s lips until they parted for him. Suga could taste the sweetness of the cider Tendou had been drinking, and he hummed appreciatively. 

Slowly, Tendou lost his initial hesitation and kissed him back in earnest, long hands sliding up Suga’s back. Suga groaned—_growled,_ almost—into the kiss, and then pulled back, looking up to see Tendou’s eyes blown black with lust. Suga hooked his fingers into Tendou’s belt loops and pulled him away from the wall, then began steering him backwards towards his bed. It was easy enough to tell which one was his—or anyways, Suga was guessing the copious anime posters, figures, and volumes of manga were his. Semi didn’t seem the type.

Suga pushed him down onto the bed, then climbed over him, claiming his lips again in a hot, messy kiss. He ran his hands up Tendou’s chest, then back down towards his waist. 

“If you want me to stop,” Suga said, “tell me now.” He waited, making significant eye contact. 

After a moment, Tendou shook his head. “Don’t stop,” he said.

Suga slipped his hands under Tendou’s shirt and worked it up and off. He quickly pulled his own shirt off, throwing it aside. 

The rest of their clothes followed, the process only slowed by their frequent pauses to kiss and to touch.

“Lube?” Suga asked.

Tendou fished a bottle out from a drawer under his bed and passed it to Suga. He uncapped it, pouring some out over his fingers before reaching around behind himself. Tendou’s eyes went wide, and his hands ran up Suga’s thighs, fingers digging into his skin. 

“Condom? I have one in my pants pocket if you don’t,” he asked. 

“I have some,” Tendou said, reaching down to open the same drawer again and passing the small foil packet to Suga. 

Suga ripped it open, sliding it down over Tendou’s length with practiced ease. He raised himself up, knees on either side of Tendou’s waist so he was hovering just over his cock. He reached around to help line himself up, and then he sank down onto it in one fluid motion. The breath left Suga’s lungs in one long hiss, but Tendou—Tendou _screamed._ He cried out so loudly he clapped a hand over his own mouth afterwards. 

Suga moved his hand away, leaning down and pulling Tendou’s lower lip between his teeth, tugging until it slipped free with a wet sound. “You good?” he asked, and Tendou nodded.

After that, Suga offered him no mercy. He lifted himself up and fucked himself back down on Tendou’s cock, easing into a brutal rhythm. Tendou’s mouth hung open, an almost constant stream of curses and wrecked noises falling from it. His long fingers dug into Suga’s hips, but Suga didn’t mind—he liked bruises. 

Suga’s pace picked up as he got closer, until he was bouncing shamelessly on Tendou’s cock. Tendou was no slouch, either—he slammed his hips up to meet Suga’s. God, he was a better fuck than Suga’d been expecting. What his cock lacked in girth it made up for in length, and it was more than enough to get the job done. 

“Fuck,” Suga said. He was close—he was so close. “Touch me.”

Tendou scrambled to comply, fingers wrapping around Suga’s dick and pumping him eagerly. It didn’t take much. A few strokes, and Suga came with a low gasp, spilling himself over Tendou’s chest. The way Suga clenched around him was apparently too much for Tendou, because he came immediately after, face contorting as he let out a broken whimper. 

Suga collapsed, his wobbly legs no longer wanting to hold him up. He let himself breathe for a moment, resting his forehead against Tendou’s shoulder. 

“Holy fuck,” Tendou said, dazed.

“I’m good but I know I’m not _that _good,” Suga teased halfheartedly. He rolled off of Tendou, letting him take care of the condom and the mess Suga had left on his chest. 

While Tendou was doing that, Suga reached for his clothes, starting to get dressed. 

“You could, um,” Tendou interrupted him, “you could stay. If you want.”

His eyes were wide, guileless and earnest, and Suga’s breath caught in his throat. He should say no. He needed to say no, before he let himself get pulled in by those eyes. Tendou had given him the best night he’d had in months. Suga barely even knew him, but despite first impressions Tendou seemed like a genuinely good person. Strangely… pure. He deserved better than a walking train wreck like Suga.

Suga had to say no. But—

“Yeah, okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Low key forgot what day it was yesterday, so sorry for the late update! :'D

Suga woke up before Tendou.

He was so used to waking up in other people’s beds, he supposed his body had adapted to wake up early enough to slip out before they awoke. 

Tendou slept soundly, his face relaxed. Soft. Wild red hair pointed every which way. His lips were parted just barely as he breathed steadily. 

Cute. He was… cute. 

Suga shook himself. He carefully lifted Tendou’s arm from around his waist, sliding out of the bed. He felt a strange pang of guilt as he did so. It was stupid. It wasn’t like he _really_ knew Tendou any more than the people he usually woke up with. 

Tendou stirred slightly, making a soft noise in his throat. Suga’s breath caught, and his chest felt tight. 

He scrambled into his clothes and slipped out before he could think any more. 

***

He avoided the club they’d met at for a while afterwards. It was a big city, and there were plenty of other places to go. Places where he wouldn’t run the risk of bumping into Tendou Satori. It was better that way. 

***

Life went on. Fall semester ended, and his grades were the worst they’d ever been. They put him on academic probation, but still his textbooks gathered dust. He just… couldn’t. He was so tired of feeling like a failure. He barely went to class anymore. He knew he needed to, but he _couldn’t._ It’s not like he didn’t know how bad it was--some part of his mind was always, _always _aware, an anxiety that never dissipated--but he couldn’t think about it. It was a vicious cycle he didn’t know how to break out of, and he hated himself for it.

The guilt over that, though, was nothing compared to what he felt when he was reminded of the dozens of unanswered messages on his phone. He hadn’t said a word to Asahi or Daichi in over a year. He hadn’t talked to his parents. He was pretty sure they were threatening to cut off his allowance to get him to return their calls, but he couldn’t. He knew he needed to--fuck, he _wanted_ to--but he couldn’t do it. Picking up the phone seemed like a herculean task. He couldn’t even _think_ about it without breaking out in a nervous sweat, his gut roiling with nausea. He was pretty sure he’d literally vomit before he managed to actually make the call. Besides… he couldn’t imagine anyone really wanted to hear from him at this point. 

He hated himself for letting his life become this. For letting himself become this numb, hollowed-out husk of himself, but he couldn’t stop. The minute he began to actually engage, it felt like he was drowning. 

So he found easier ways to drown. 

***

A few weeks later, Shane decided he wanted to go to the club--_that_ club. A friend of his was DJing there and he wanted to support him. Suga didn’t have any good reason not to go--it wasn’t like he could just say to Shane that he’d run into someone he knew from home there and he was avoiding going on the very slim chance he might see him again. He would sound crazy.

Fate was a fickle bitch, though, and apparently hated him, because no sooner had they stepped up to the bar than he heard:

“Sugawara-kun!”

Suga let out a slow breath, turning to face Tendou.

“Please just call me Suga,” he said, pulling a face.

“If you let me buy you a drink,” Tendou said.

Shane looked back and forth between the two of them. “Friend of yours?” he asked.

“Something like that,” Suga replied, and then turned to Tendou. “Fine. You know my order.”

It might have been a mistake, but he was never one to turn down a free drink. Shane made himself scarce--Suga wasn’t sure if he was trying to give them space, or if he’d just seen something (someone) he liked, but he rather wished he hadn’t. He didn’t want to be alone with Tendou. 

After he’d ordered their drinks, Tendou leaned against the bar next to Suga. Even slouching, he was inches taller, and Suga hated him for it. 

“So,” Tendou said, feigning casual, “come here often?”

Suga stared at him, blinking several times. 

“Really?”

“Hey, it’s a fair question! This makes two times I’ve run into you here, after all.”

“This place is a shithole,” Suga said. 

“Didn’t answer my question,” Tendou replied, too quickly. He was too perceptive. 

“If I answer it, will you shut up?”

“Maybe.”

“Fine. Yeah, often enough,” Suga said.

“Thought you said it was a shithole,” Tendou said, raising an eyebrow.

“Why do you think I like it here?” Suga challenged. The look that crossed Tendou’s face was… strange. Suga didn’t quite know what to think of it. He didn’t like how closely Tendou looked at him. 

“That’s fair,” Tendou said, seemingly backing off. 

Suga narrowed his eyes, looking up at Tendou. “What do you want from me?” he said.

Tendou recoiled slightly, putting his hands up. “Whoa,” he said. “I just… wanted to talk? I dunno, don’t you ever just want to speak to someone in Japanese for a bit? And… I had a good time. Last time.”

“You were looking for me,” Suga said. It wasn’t a question. “That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?”

Tendou’s faux innocent expression was entirely unconvincing. “What? I can’t go out to a club without ulterior motives?”

“Come on, Tendou. This isn’t your scene.” Suga gestured around them at the dingy club, with its drunken patrons and sweaty, writhing mess of a dance floor. Tendou, bright-eyed in an even brighter hoodie, stood out like a sore thumb. “You weren’t comfortable here last time, and you’re not comfortable here now.”

Tendou let out a breath. “Okay, okay. Fine. Yeah, I was hoping I’d run into you. Now can we just…”

“Fine,” Suga relented.

Tendou hesitated, his face suddenly unsure. “If you’d really rather not, I can go,” he said, almost too quiet to hear under the noise. 

“No, it’s alright,” Suga said. “You came all this way, might as well get what you came for. So shoot.”

Tendou took a sip of his drink, a pensive look on his face. “What are you studying?” he asked.

“Ugh, do we have to talk about school?” Suga replied, his face twisting.

“Okay, okay, no school. Hmm. Oh I know, what food do you miss most that you can’t find here?”

“Spicy mapo tofu. Nowhere I’ve found here makes it spicy enough.”

“You like spicy food, huh? But you’re so _sweet!”_ Tendou said, shooting him a goofy grin. “Y’know. _Suga._ Like sugar.”

“Wow, yes, because no one in the entire time I’ve been in America has made that joke,” Suga deadpanned.

“Sorry, sorry!”

Tendou was quiet for a while, and Suga took advantage of the time to drain the rest of his drink.

“Alright, time’s up,” he said, shaking the empty glass.

“What? You didn’t tell me I had a time limit!”

“Sorry,” Suga said with a shrug.

“Okay--one last question,” Tendou said, grabbing Suga’s wrist. “Why are you so anxious to get away from me?”

“What?” Suga said, taken aback.

“Look, tell me if I’m wrong, but I thought we had a good time last time. I thought maybe we could be... friends. Or… something. So why are you this determined to shake me off?”

“I’m not,” Suga said. 

“Then what are you doing right now?” Tendou said in a low voice, leaning in close to Suga’s ear. 

Suga stared back at him, feeling suddenly like a deer in the headlights. Exposed. 

He twisted out of Tendou’s grasp, grabbing Tendou by the wrist instead and dragging him towards the back of the club. 

“Where are we--” Tendou said, but his voice was drowned out by the booming bass of the music pumping from the dance floor. Suga navigated the place easily, pulling Tendou into the bathroom. He shoved him into a stall, closing and locking the door behind them.

“What--” Tendou said, but Suga cut him off with a searing kiss, licking hot and wet into his mouth. Tendou took a moment to catch up, but then he kissed back, hands coming to rest hesitantly at Suga’s hips.

“You,” Suga said, pulling back after a moment, “talk too much.”

Then Suga dropped to his knees. Tendou’s eyes went wide, and Suga didn’t miss the hitch in his breathing. 

“You gonna stop me?” Suga said, looking up at him with a challenging gaze. Tendou just stared back, and Suga smirked. He popped open the button of Tendou’s jeans, unzipping them and tugging his briefs down to free his cock. Suga licked a wet stripe up the underside, and Tendou cursed, his fingers weaving into Suga’s hair. Suga didn’t waste time. He swallowed Tendou down, relaxing his throat and easing forward until his nose was buried in dark red curls. Tendou’s hips bucked forward, and Suga took it, moaning lewdly around his cock. 

Tendou was obviously trying to keep quiet. It was cute. Like anyone who came to _this_ club didn’t know exactly what they were getting into by braving the bathroom. 

Suga set a devastating rhythm, hollowing his cheeks and bobbing his head over Tendou’s cock. He could tell as Tendou got close--his efforts at staying quiet failed, and he began to let out those curses and whines and soft moans Suga remembered from last time. His hips hitched forward despite Suga’s firm hold.

“Suga, I’m… I’m gonna--”

Suga hummed encouragingly, leaning in and swallowing around Tendou’s cock. 

With a loud cry that seemed physically punched out of him, Tendou came, his release spilling hot down Suga’s throat. Suga swallowed it down, working him through it until Tendou began twitching with oversensitivity. He pulled off, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Tendou’s chest was heaving, his eyes unfocused. 

Suga stood up, quickly adjusting himself in his pants. 

“See you around, Tendou,” he said.

He left before Tendou could recover enough to stop him.

***

It wasn’t until he got back to the apartment that he noticed he had a text._ Two _texts.

From Daichi.

His insides went cold, his throat threatening to close up. Daichi hadn’t texted him for almost a year, ever since he and Asahi gave up on hearing back from him. He was scared to open the texts. If he were sober, he wouldn’t have. His thumb hovered over the message icon before finally he pressed it.

**Daichi 8:38 AM: **We had a practice match against Ushijima’s school today. Imagine my surprise when he mentions after the game that he had talked to Tendou, who’s studying abroad in the states and told him he’d hooked up with a certain former backup setter from karasuno. I guess you are alive after all, you fucking asshole. 

**Daichi 8:44 AM: **You know what? Good. At least now I can stop worrying and write you off for good. Have a nice life. Or don’t. See if I give a shit.

Suga stared at his phone with wide eyes. He read the messages, and he read them again. Every word. His stomach lurched, nausea clawing its way up his throat. 

He dropped his phone and sprinted for the bathroom. His knees crashed into the tile floor as he bent over the toilet, barely making it in time before retching violently. His stomach heaved until there was nothing left to throw up, and a broken sob tore through his chest as he rested his head on the porcelain.

This was it.

There was no coming back from this. There couldn’t be. Daichi… Daichi hated him. He was right to. Suga had promised himself he’d make it up to Asahi and Daichi, but what had he done? Nothing. His promises were as rotten and worthless as the rest of his life. He pressed his cheek to the cool porcelain, stomach still roiling with nausea. 

He deserved it. 

He deserved worse. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to post again sorry y'all!
> 
> Also just a warning, this is the chapter in which the referenced noncon occurs. It happens completely off screen, so to speak, but this chapter does deal with the aftermath. If that's an uncomfortable topic for you, skip the rest of this chapter after "He shouldn't have let it slide" and I'll put a basic summary in the end notes.

“Wakatoshi-kun!” Satori said, tilting the screen of his laptop to center his face better on the skype call. 

“Hello, Tendou,” Wakatoshi said with a slight smile. “How are you?”

“Pretty good! You? How was your run?”

“It was good. Is something going on, Tendou? You seem… distracted.”

“I saw Suga again,” Satori said by way of explanation. 

“I thought you wanted to see him again. You look upset,” Wakatoshi said, frowning.

“I… I think something is wrong. He won’t answer any questions about school, he barely talks about himself at all. It’s just… weird.”

Ushijima’s frown deepened. “I saw Sawamura and Azumane,” he said without prologue. 

“Oh?”

“Yes. Our teams had a practice match against each other, but--I mentioned to Sawamura, afterwards, that you had, uh, hooked up with Suga.”

“Okay,” Satori said, not sure where Wakatoshi was going with this.

“I mentioned it because I thought it was… funny. An odd coincidence. But his reaction was… not what I expected. He was upset. Shocked, or angry maybe. I don’t know.”

“What, do you think he and Suga…”

Wakatoshi shook his head. “It didn’t seem that way? I’m not sure. I just… thought you might want to know.”

“Thank you, Wakatoshi,” Satori said, contemplating. “Hey, can you do me a favor?”

***

Satori sipped the chai latte he’d ordered, looking around the coffee shop. 

He’d gotten Wakatoshi to help him find out where Suga was in school. Wakatoshi had asked Nishinoya, who was on his team.

So here Satori was, sitting in a coffee shop that he hoped was the one closest to where Suga lived, on the off chance that he would happen to show up here. He’d been conducting his stakeout for a few days with no luck, but he was still hoping his plan would work out.

It was a long shot, but there was a niggling feeling in Satori’s gut that he couldn’t ignore. 

He’d finished his latte, and was about to give up and leave again, when he spotted a head of pale, silvery hair across the street. Apparently fate was on his side today.

He jumped up, tossing his empty cup in the trash can and taking off out of the cafe. He ran across the street, nearly getting run over by a car in the process. Oops.

“Hey, Suga!” he called, waving. Suga froze, then turned slowly towards him. 

He looked… worse. Dark circles almost like bruises around his eyes. Hollow cheeks. 

“Are you stalking me now?” Suga said.

“What? No, I--”

“You just _happened_ to be hanging out in a coffee shop a block from my apartment, which is nowhere near where you go to school?”

Satori lifted his hands, palms facing front. “Okay, you got me. Yeah, I was hoping I would see you.”

Suga looked up at them, and then sighed. “Fine. Come on, my apartment’s over here.”

Satori fell into step behind him. He couldn’t help shooting glances over at Suga. He looked nothing like himself. Before the past couple of months, Satori may have only seen him once, and from the other side of a volleyball net, but… Suga had been _gorgeous._ Breathtaking, even. Bright eyes, wide, determined smile, flushed cheeks. Full of _life._

What had _happened?_

They reached Suga’s apartment, and Suga unlocked the door to let them in. Satori followed him inside, and Suga shut the door behind them. 

In the next moment, Satori found himself shoved against the wall, Suga’s entire body pressed against his, lips hot over his neck.

“Suga, wait--”

“This is what you came for, isn’t it?” Suga said, teeth dragging over Satori’s neck as he ground their hips together. 

“_No,”_ Satori said, a little more forcefully than he meant to.

Suga froze. “What?”

“No,” Satori repeated, moving his hands to Suga’s shoulders and gently pushing him back. “Suga, that’s not… that’s not why I’m here.”

Suga’s shocked expression flashed into anger. 

“Why _are_ you here, then?” he asked. “What the _fuck_ do you want from me?”

“I don’t--”

“You’re a lying piece of shit,” Suga said, roughly grabbing at Satori’s crotch--he was half-hard in his pants. “I _know_ you want me. Why the fuck else would you be here? I’m a worthless, drugged up _slut._ I know what I am. I know what I’m good for. So take it, or leave.”

Satori stared, shellshocked. His eyes stung with tears. “Suga, I--” he began, voice soft.

“_GET OUT_,” Suga screamed, his voice breaking. 

Tears spilled quietly down Satori’s cheeks, and he did as he was told.

***

He didn’t know what to do after that. He hated not knowing what to do. He just wanted to help, but what could he do if Suga didn’t want to be helped? He felt sick, thinking about it. Thinking that Suga thought he just wanted to… to _use _him like that. 

It wasn’t like Satori hadn’t enjoyed the sex. The sex had been _amazing._ God, Suga riding him like that… it was definitely one for his bank of fantasies. But Satori didn’t just hook up with random people. Casual sex had never really been his thing--the condoms in his bedside table were only there because they’d been giving them out at an LGBT student group meeting he and Semi had gone to. The truth was he _liked_ Suga. The rare moments he felt like he got to see the real Suga. That wicked sense of humor, those brief moments when Satori could see a flash of the vivacity Suga had before. 

With nothing else to do, he left Suga alone for a while. The thought worried him, but he was at a loss, and he couldn’t afford to let schoolwork slide. His midterms were approaching faster than he would’ve liked, and he had to study, so the whole Suga problem got pushed to the back burner. 

***

He shouldn’t have let it slide. 

***

He was in bed after staying late in the library one night when he suddenly jerked awake. He blinked, confused. What was that sound? It couldn’t be his alarm going off, it was still _dark._

Phone. That was his phone. His phone was ringing. 

He lurched out of bed, an arm shooting out to grab his phone, answering the call just before it cut off. 

“Hello?”

It was quiet on the other end, but Satori could hear background noise--traffic, a distant siren. Someone breathing. Someone was definitely there. Satori was _very_ awake now, a strange dread sinking into his gut.

“Tendou?” said a voice he barely recognized--a small, shaky voice. Suga’s voice.

“Suga,” Satori said, pressing the phone closer to his ear like it would help him hear better. “Suga, are you okay?”

“Y’r number was in my phone,” Suga said, not answering the question.

“I know,” Satori said. “I put it there, while you were sleeping. That first night.”

“Oh.”

“Suga, are you okay?” Satori repeated, fear gripping tightly at his chest. 

There was a long pause, and he listened to Suga’s shaky breaths. 

“No,” Suga said finally, in a tiny, unsure voice that broke off into a sob.

“Suga, tell me where you are.”

***

Satori had never been so glad that the New York subway system ran all night. 

As soon as he was off the train, he took off at a run, constantly glancing at his phone to check the location Suga had given him. When he finally got to the right intersection, his head whipped around, searching frantically.

“Suga?” he called, jogging a few more steps. “SUGA?”

A slight movement caught his eye. Across the street--a small, curled-up figure. Satori took off at a sprint. 

Suga was sitting on the sidewalk, curled in on himself with his knees pulled close to his chest. His hair was a sweaty mess, and his eyes were distant. Dilated. Satori fell to his knees next to him. He started to reach out to brush Suga’s hair out of his face, but thought better of it, pulling his hand back. 

“_Suga,”_ he said, scanning Suga’s body quickly. Was he hurt? It was hard to tell. It was too dark. 

Suga turned his head toward him, but his eyes stayed cast down on the sidewalk. 

“What happened?” Satori asked.

Suga’s eyes widened minutely, and he shook his head, a tiny, jerking motion. He looked _scared._

“Okay,” Satori said gently. “It’s alright. You’re safe, okay?”

As he looked closer, Satori could tell that Suga was shivering, his whole body shaking as he gripped his knees tighter. Satori shrugged out of his jacket, wrapping it around Suga’s shoulders. 

“Come on, let’s get you home. Can you stand up for me?” Satori spoke in a voice one might use to talk to a child, or an animal that would spook easily. 

Suga nodded hesitantly. Satori held out a hand, and Suga reached for it, his own hand shaking. His grip was weak when he took Satori’s hand, so Satori held on for him. He stood slowly, and then helped pull Suga up. 

Suga’s legs shook. He made it most of the way up, but then he tried to step towards Satori and he let out a sharp hiss, pain flashing across his face. 

“Shit,” Satori cursed, catching Suga in his arms. “You’re hurt.”

“‘M fine,” Suga mumbled, gripping Satori’s forearms. 

“You’re not fine,” Satori said. “Where are you hurt?”

Suga’s eyes went wide again, suddenly distant. His lips pressed together as he shook his head again, more frantically this time. 

“Suga…” Satori said, his heart sinking as a cold dread filled him. He had a suspicion he knew exactly what had happened, and he desperately hoped he was wrong. “Suga, if… if what I think happened, happened--we need to call the police.”

Suga’s eyes flew wide, and he shook his head. 

“No,” he said. “No, please…”

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Satori said, fighting to keep his voice even and calm. “Please, Suga--”

“_No!”_ Suga said, his voice becoming more desperate. “I can’t, I can’t. Please, Tendou, don’t--please don’t make me.” He clutched at Satori’s arms, his eyes beginning to shine with tears.

“Okay,” Satori said. “Okay, okay. Shh, it’s alright. Let’s just… get you home, okay?”

Suga nodded. 

“I’m… I’m going to pick you up. Is that okay?”

Suga hesitated for a moment, and then nodded again. Satori wrapped one arm around Suga’s shoulders, slipping the other behind his knees and hoisting him into his arms. Suga sucked in a sharp breath, his body tensing before he slowly relaxed. After a moment his head lolled over against Satori’s shoulder.

Satori took deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm. _He_ couldn’t cry. Not right now. He had to keep it together, because Suga needed him right now. Suga had actually called him. Satori was nearly sick with gratitude that he’d managed to sneak his number into Suga’s phone. It had been a spur of the moment decision, when he spotted Suga’s phone peeking out of the pocket of his abandoned jeans. He couldn’t think about what might have happened if he hadn’t. Maybe Suga would have found someone else to call, but… Satori wasn’t sure. 

He pushed it from his mind, focusing on getting Suga home. He didn’t think taking him on the subway was the best idea right now, so he walked until he could find a cab. He was worried his arms would get tired--he hadn’t exactly kept up the best workout routine since he’d quit volleyball--but Suga was eerily lightweight. Insubstantial. 

When he managed to flag down a cab, he carefully slid into the seat, holding Suga in his lap. He knew he didn’t need to hold him anymore, but… he was almost afraid to let go. Suga was out of it, seemingly fading in and out of consciousness.

“He alright?” the cab driver asked, giving Suga an uncertain look. 

“Fine,” Satori lied with a strained laugh. “Bit too much to drink, that’s all.”

Fortunately, the man didn’t press the subject.

Every now and then Suga’s brow would furrow, the shaking growing worse. Satori brushed his hair out of his face, shushing him with gentle words. 

When they got to Suga’s building, Satori paid the cab driver and carried Suga upstairs. He paused in front of Suga’s apartment.

“Suga,” he said, shifting his arm to give Suga a gentle shake. 

“Mm?”

“Where are your keys?”

“Huh--where’re--”

“We’re at your apartment. I need your keys to let us in.”

Suga blinked several times. “Oh. Um. Pocket?”

“Which pocket?”

Suga’s arm went to his back left pocket, tapping it once. 

“Okay. I’m gonna reach in and get them, okay?” Satori said. Suga nodded, and Satori slid his hand into Suga’s pocket, retrieving the keys. Thank god Suga still had them.

Satori let Suga down, supporting him with one arm wound around his torso. He quickly unlocked the door, letting them in.

“Can you lean against the wall for me?” Satori said. “I’m gonna get your shoes off.”

Suga nodded, and Satori crouched down in front of him. “Put your hand on my shoulder if you need to,” he said. A moment later, Suga’s fingers hesitantly clutched at his shoulder.

Satori untied Suga’s converse sneakers, loosening the laces until he could get them off. He carefully lifted each of Suga’s legs enough to ease the shoes off. When Suga was in his sock feet, Satori quickly untied his own sneakers and left them beside Suga’s. 

“Okay,” Satori said, carefully standing and looping his arm around Suga’s torso again. “C’mon. Let’s… let’s go get you cleaned up.”

He spotted a short hallway off the cramped kitchen slash living room area, and made in that direction. It was slow going, as Suga took shaky, small steps. 

“Door on the left,” Suga said, and Satori nodded, steering them into the tiny bathroom. He was relieved to see Suga had a bathtub, even if it was small. 

He eased Suga down onto the closed toilet. Suga winced, and Satori’s heart clenched in his chest. “Sorry,” he said. He couldn’t tell if Suga heard him. 

He knelt down by the tub, fitting the plug into the drain and turning the water on. He held his hand out under the water, adjusting it until the temperature was just hot enough, without being scalding. 

“Okay, I’m gonna get you in the bath, Suga, but I need to get you undressed. Do you think you can do it yourself, or… or do you need me to help?”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Suga naked before, but considering the circumstances, he knew he had to take every precaution to make sure Suga didn’t feel violated. 

Suga nodded, absorbing his words. Then his hands went to the hem of his shirt, and he slowly pulled it over his head. He swayed slightly, and Satori shot out a hand to catch him. Suga steadied himself, then unbuttoned his jeans with clumsy fingers. 

“I… help me up?” Suga said. Satori nodded, slipping his arm under Suga’s and wrapping it around him again, easing him into a standing position. Suga’s skin was clammy, sticky with sweat. With Satori holding him up, Suga pushed his pants down. They were loose enough that the fell off his legs easily, and Satori lifted him up to help him step out of them. 

“Almost done,” Satori said. “I just need you to get out of your underwear for me, okay?”

Suga let out a soft sound of protest, shaking in Satori’s arms. 

“I’m sorry,” Satori said, his own voice breaking. “I’m so sorry, Suga. You’re safe, though, okay? You’re in your apartment. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll _never_ hurt you. I promise. Can you trust me?”

Suga shook still, but he nodded ever so slightly. “‘Kay,” he said in a small voice. 

“Okay. Can you do it for me, or do you need me to?”

“Just do it,” Suga said.

Satori slid his arm further down around Suga’s waist, holding him steady as he carefully eased the waistband of Suga’s briefs down over his hips and helped him step out of them.

He steered Suga gently towards the bath. It looked full enough by now, so he reached down to turn the water off. He held Suga’s hand as he stepped into the tub, and then helped ease him down into the water. Suga slumped against the far side of the tub, his face pressed against the tiles. 

“Do you want me to leave you alone for a minute?” Satori asked.

“No,” Suga said. “Stay.”

“Okay,” Satori said, kneeling next to the tub. 

“Can you get in with me?”

Satori paused. “Are you sure?”

“When you were… holding me. It was nice,” Suga said. “You’re… too nice to me.”

“Okay, just gimme a second,” Satori said. He quickly stripped off his clothes, leaving his underwear on after a moment’s consideration, then stepped into the bathtub. Suga scooted forward a bit and Satori sank down behind him, his legs bent to fit into the small tub. He helped Suga lean back against his chest. “Is that okay?” he asked. 

“‘S good. Can you… can you wash my hair? Feels gross.”

Satori used a cup sitting on the edge of the tub to wet Suga’s hair, and then he grabbed the shampoo Suga pointed him towards, pouring a generous amount into his hands. He worked it into a lather, then worked his fingers into Suga’s hair, massaging the shampoo down to his scalp. He tilted Suga’s head back, holding his fingers over his forehead as he rinsed the shampoo out so that water wouldn’t run into his eyes. Then he grabbed a bar of soap, working in in his hands before putting it back and sliding his hands over Suga’s shoulders. Suga was pliant and quiet as Satori carefully washed his body. When he was done, he pulled Suga back against him. Suga turned slightly so his cheek was pressed against Satori’s chest. Slowly, so Suga could stop him if he wanted to, Satori wrapped his arms around him. Satori leaned down, pressing his lips to Suga’s damp hair. He closed his eyes, focusing on Suga’s warmth, the feeling of his breath against Satori’s wet skin. 

When the water began to cool, Satori helped Suga out of the bath, wrapping him up in a towel. He quickly dried himself and tied a towel around his waist, shucking his wet briefs and leaving them with Suga’s abandoned clothes on the floor. Suga was unsteady on his feet, swaying dangerously, so Satori picked him up again, carrying him out of the bathroom. 

“Which room is yours?” Satori asked.

“On the right,” Suga mumbled. Satori pushed the door open, carrying Suga in and setting him down on the bed. He crossed the room to Suga’s dresser, opening and closing drawers until he found underwear and some pajama pants. He eased them up over Suga’s legs, then shifted Suga up the bed, pulling the blankets over him and tucking him in.

He went to leave--he definitely wasn’t going to leave Suga alone, but he figured he would crash on the couch--when Suga caught his hand. Satori froze. He’d been sure Suga was already asleep. 

“Stay,” Suga said in a tiny voice. “Please.”

Something in him was relieved to hear those words. Even letting Suga out of his sight scared him right now. “Uh,” Satori said, “is it okay if I borrow some underwear?”

“Sure.”

Satori opened the drawer again, grabbing another pair and pulling them up. Then he pulled back the covers, climbing into the bed next to Suga. Suga shifted closer to him, until his forehead was pressed against the side of Satori’s chest. His breathing evened out quickly, his face going lax.

It took a long time for Satori to find sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Tendou gets a call from Suga late at night, and it's clear he's not okay. When Tendou finds Suga, he realizes he was raped. Suga refuses to go to the police, so Tendou prioritizes Suga's comfort and takes him home. He helps Suga take a bath, and stays with him overnight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A chapter that's more or less completely angst-free? AMAZING!

Satori was woken up by sunlight streaming in through the window. He blinked his eyes open, taken aback by how bright it was. Normally the sun didn’t hit his bed like this. 

It took a moment for his surroundings to sink in, and then the previous night came back to him in a sick rush. In the next second, he realized that he was alone in the bed. Suga was gone. 

He shot up, adrenaline waking him in an instant. He ran out into the main room of the apartment, and let out a breath when he saw Suga sitting on the sofa in his pajama pants and a loose, worn t-shirt, sipping coffee.

“You’re up,” Suga said in a dull voice. 

“Yeah,” Satori said, taking another deep breath to calm himself. Suga was safe. “What time is it?”

“Little after eleven.”

Crap. He’d missed his first class. He’d have to explain to his professor later… well, as much as he could. 

“Suga,” he said, unsure where to even _start._ “About last night…”

“I’m fine,” Suga said flatly. 

“Suga--”

“Look. I appreciate you coming to get me last night. But I’m fine. I’m sure you have things to do, so you can leave.”

Satori stared at him in disbelief, a twisting whirl of emotions warring in his chest. 

“I’m not going to just _leave_ after what happened last night!” he said finally.

Suga’s lips pressed together in a firm line. “I told you,” he said. “I’m _fine._ I don’t need your help, and I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not… it’s not pity,” Satori said. “Is it so hard to believe that I _care_ about you? Do you have _any_ idea how _terrified_ I was last night?” He could feel his eyes welling up with tears, and he cut himself off quickly. 

Suga deflated slightly, sinking back into the sofa. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you _care?_ Why won’t you just leave me alone?”

Satori crossed over to the sofa and sat down, leaving a few feet between him and Suga. 

“I like you. I like spending time with you. But you also terrify me. Because this… all of this, the drinking, the sex--I know it’s not really you.”

“You don’t know me,” Suga spat. “It’s none of your--”

“No,” Satori said calmly. “You don’t get to block me out like that. Not after last night. It is my business. I’m making it my business. What happened last night--”

“It happens,” Suga said. “It’s not like I remember half the sex I have anyway.”

“_That_ is what I’m talking about!” Satori said. “Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? What… what _happened_ to you, Suga?”

Suga just shrugged.

“You have to stop,” Satori said. “The drinking, and the drugs, because I’m sure you’re doing those too, and--”

“Fuck off,” Suga said. 

“_No!_ No, you don’t get to tell me to fuck off anymore. You keep trying to push me away, but last night--last night you called _me._ I think some part of you wants my help. So… you’re stuck with me now. I’m not going to fuck off.”

Suga sighed, breathing out through his nose. 

“Whatever. I don’t know what you want from me, but… fine.”

“Just… let me be your friend. That’s all,” Satori said.

“Fine.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Yippee,” Suga said, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“I… do have to leave, though. I have class. But… I have your number now. I’m gonna text you.”

“Fine.”

Satori sighed, running to retrieve his clothes where he’d left them in the bathroom the night before. He winced at the sight of Suga’s soiled underwear, still sitting in the same spot. He got dressed quickly, shoving his own still-damp underwear into his pocket. 

“I’ll wash the underwear I borrowed and give them back the next time I see you,” Satori said, crouching by the door to put his shoes on. 

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Suga said. 

Satori looked back at him, smiling softly. “I want to,” he said. 

***

He texted Suga later that night.

**Tendou 8:47 PM: **Feel free to text me anytime if you need anything. Now that we have each other’s numbers (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

**Suga 8:51 PM:**Fine

Tendou snorted. Honestly, he was glad he’d gotten an answer at all. It made him feel better to know that Suga could contact him if he needed to. He wanted to know, if (god forbid) there ever was a repeat of last night, that Suga could call him again. 

He found it hard to focus on classes with his mind completely preoccupied by what had happened with Suga, but he muddled through, doing his best to take notes. He really did need to prepare for midterms, which were right around the corner. 

***

Several days later, as he was lying half-awake in bed in the morning, he had a sudden thought and reached for his phone.

**Tendou 9:12 AM: **Hey, I don’t mean to be a nag, but you should get tested. Just to be safe. I’ll go with you if you want.

He didn’t get a reply until much later that afternoon, which honestly shouldn’t have surprised him. 

**Suga 3:29 PM: **You’re not going to leave me alone until I do it, are you?

**Tendou 3:31 PM: **Nope.

***

Satori was surprised that Suga actually did let him come along. He showed up at Suga’s apartment the next afternoon, and together they walked to the student health clinic at Suga’s university. Satori sat in the waiting room while Suga went in. After a while, Suga came out, brandishing a piece of paper with his results. 

“I’m clean. Happy?”

“Oh, good,” Satori said. That was definitely a relief. A bit of a surprise, if he was being brutally honest, but definitely a relief. “What do you say we go out to dinner to celebrate?”

“I can’t really afford--”

“Nuh-uh. My treat.”

“Tendou, you don’t have to--”

“I found a place that, according to the reviews, makes mapo tofu that is, and I quote, ‘burn your mouth off’ hot.”

“It’s not gonna be spicy enough,” Suga said. “Reviews don’t mean shit. I told you, Americans--”

“For real, I talked to a guy I know who went, and said it was the spiciest thing he’d ever tasted.”

“_Not gonna be spicy enough,” _Suga repeated.

“You know you want to try, though,” Satori said, grinning.

“Okay, okay,” Suga relented, and Satori caught the hint of a smile on his face. “Where is this place?”

***

When they got to the restaurant, Satori could see Suga looking around with an appraising gaze. They took a seat, and after a while the waiter came around to take their orders. Satori ordered a mild curry, and Suga ordered the mapo tofu, _extra_ spicy.

“Extra spicy?” the waiter asked to confirm.

“As spicy as you can make it,” Suga said with a slightly terrifying grin. The waiter laughed, and went off to deliver their order.

“You’re excited. I can tell,” Satori said.

“It won’t be spicy enough. But still, it’s not cup noodles.”

Satori laughed. “Were you as amused as I was that instant ramen is what college students eat here, too?”

“They all get the same boring flavors, though,” Suga said, pulling a face. “And then they drain the broth!”

“We had the fire alarm go off in my dorm because some guy was microwaving ramen and _forgot to put the water in,”_ Satori said.

Suga snorted. “Okay, to be fair, that’s kind of relatable.”

Satori smiled, taking a sip of his water. “It’s nice to see you laughing,” he said.

Suga rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. He didn’t tell Satori to fuck off, though. 

Their food came pretty quickly, and Satori could see Suga’s eyes light up when he saw it. It certainly _looked_ spicy. Satori could swear it was _glowing,_ it was so red. 

“I _saw_ that!” he said. “You are excited.”

“_I_ am holding out judgment,” Suga said. 

“Okay, go on then.”

Suga picked up his chopsticks, bringing a bite to his mouth and blowing on it a couple times before eating it. He chewed a few times, a pensive expression on his face.

“It’s not spicy enough,” he said finally.

“Oh, come on! It’s practically burning my eyes all the way over here!”

“_But,”_ Suga continued pointedly, “it’s pretty good. Definitely the spiciest I’ve had in the States.”

Satori beamed. “I told you!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Suga said, but he was _smiling._

“Is it really not spicy enough, though?” Satori said. The guy he’d talked to had _assured_ him that it was off-the-charts spicy.

“Nah,” Suga said. “You wanna try?” he offered with a grin that Satori _really_ should have inspected a bit more closely, because when he accepted the offered bite he was almost certain his mouth was _literally_ on fire. 

“_Oh my god,”_ he sputtered, barely managing to swallow the tofu while his lips, mouth, and throat _burned._ His eyes watered, and he grabbed for his water, taking desperate swallows to try to ease the burn. 

Meanwhile, Suga _cackled._

“You are completely evil!” Satori said, his voice hoarse. “You were totally pulling my leg! That’s definitely the spiciest thing that has ever existed.”

“No, I’m dead serious,” Suga said. “It’s not spicy enough.”

Satori stared, mouth agape as Suga popped another piece of devil tofu in his mouth. “You are not human.”

Suga laughed again. It was one of the best sounds Satori had ever heard. 

***

Satori walked Suga back to his apartment after dinner. Outside his building, Suga paused.

“Do you want to come in? I dunno, watch a movie or something?”

“So you admit it!” Satori exclaimed. “You _do_ like spending time with me!”

“You’re obnoxious,” Suga replied.

“That’s not a no-o,” Satori replied, sing-song. 

“I take it back,” Suga said, but he was _smiling, _again, and Satori was sure he’d never seen him smile this much.

“Nuh-uh, no takebacks! I’m coming in!” Satori said. 

He followed Suga upstairs. They sat down on the couch and booted up Suga’s roommate’s Netflix account, flipping through the titles. They quickly got overwhelmed by the number of options, though, neither of them feeling particularly decisive. After a while, Suga gave up, closing Netflix and putting in a DVD of _Pacific Rim._ He left the room for a minute as the movie started up, and came back dragging a blanket. He settled on the couch next to Satori, holding up the edge of the blanket in a silent offer. Satori scooted closer, letting Suga pull the blanket over them both. 

“Suga,” Satori said in a teasing voice, “Are you trying to _Netflix and chill_ me? To _Pacific Rim?_ I didn’t take you for a monster fucker!”

Suga snorted, throwing a hand over his mouth. The way he dodged Satori’s eyes, though--

“You just thought of a mean comeback, didn’t you? Come on, don’t go easy. Lay it on me.”

Suga laughed. “I was gonna say--I slept with you, didn’t I?”

“_Oooohhh,”_ Satori exclaimed, pressing a hand to his chest. “Cold!”

“You asked for it,” Suga said.

“I did, I did,” Satori agreed.

“To answer your question, though--that wasn’t my plan.” 

Satori noted that that answer wasn’t quite a _no._ Suga settled in, though, his eyes fixed on the TV. 

As the movie went on, though, Satori couldn’t help but notice that Suga seemed to be inching towards him. He’d shift ever so slightly, but each time the space between them got smaller, until Suga was pressed against Satori’s side. 

As the credits rolled, Suga stretched, pressing further against Satori. Then he pushed up onto his knees, swinging one leg over Satori’s to straddle him. Satori blinked in surprise, then reached for Suga’s shoulders, trying to gently push him away.

“Suga… This isn’t why I’m here. I told you, I don’t want you for the sex.”

“I know,” Suga said. His voice was calm, his eyes clear. “But what about what I want?”

“Is this what you want?” Satori asked, looking Suga in the eyes. “After what happened--”

“I want this. I want you. We don’t have to do anything… penetrative, if you’re worried, but… today was nice. I just want…”

“Okay,” Satori said. Suga was sober, and earnest, and… how could Satori say no?

His hands slid from Suga’s shoulders down his sides, wrapping around his waist to pull him closer while Suga brought their lips together. 

Suga was different this time. He kissed him slowly, unhurried, burying his fingers in Satori’s hair while their lips worked against each other, tasting. When Suga’s tongue finally traced the seam of Satori’s lips, he parted them willingly, drinking Suga in with a soft groan. Suga leaned further forward, his body pressing against Satori’s from hips to chest, legs parted over Satori’s lap. 

Satori’s hands trailed up Suga’s back, pulling him in. After a moment Suga broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against Satori’s while he caught his breath. Suga’s hands grabbed at his shirt, pulling it up. Satori lifted his arms, allowing Suga to pull it over his head. Suga tugged off his own shirt, and Satori ran his hands over the smooth skin of Suga’s back. Suga’s arms looped around his neck, and he pressed their foreheads together. Suga kissed him again, wet presses of lips as Suga’s hips began to rock slowly against Satori’s. Satori whined. The slight pressure and friction was _so good,_ but not enough. Satori’s hands slid further down Suga’s back, pulling him down onto his lap. Suga gasped against his lips, then pulled back slightly. 

“Pants off?” he said.

“Yeah,” Satori said, reaching for the button of his jeans. 

“Let me,” Suga said, batting his hands away. Satori relented, and Suga popped the button open, then dragged the zipper down so slowly Satori could feel each tooth of the zipper come loose. Suga tugged his pants down over his hips, leaning in to mouth at the outline of Satori’s cock as he did so. Satori whined, writhing slightly under Suga’s touch. Then Suga backed off, pulling his pants the rest of the way down and off his legs. 

Suga reached for his own pants next, and Satori watched with rapt attention as he unbuttoned them, sliding them down his legs in one languid, fluid movement. He stepped out of them, and then hooked his thumbs in his briefs, just playing with the waistband. Satori’s eyes followed the motion, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips. With a slightly wicked smile, Suga gave him what he wanted, pulling those briefs down over his legs and stepping out of them. His cock was hard between his legs, red and glistening slightly at the tip. Satori wanted to lick that moisture away. Suga stepped forward, sinking to his knees and running his fingers over the waistband of Satori’s own briefs. 

“May I?” he said.

“_Please,”_ Satori said without hesitation.

Suga smiled, and tugged Satori’s briefs off, sending them to join the rest of their clothes in a haphazard pile on the floor. He climbed back over Satori’s lap, holding himself up on his knees before he let himself sink down, his legs spreading until their bare bodies were pressed flush against each other, their cocks sandwiched between them. 

Satori moaned, sinking his fingers into Suga’s hair to reel him into another kiss. Finesse flew out the window as they rutted slowly against each other, their breath mingling hot between their mouths as their lips met. Suga rocked his hips in a gorgeous, sinuous pattern, his cock sliding against Satori’s. 

“_Suga,”_ Satori gasped, and Suga grinned against his mouth. 

“You feel so good, Tendou. _Ahh._ So good,” Suga said, pressing his forehead against Satori’s. “Touch me?”

Satori complied, reaching between them and wrapping his fingers around their cocks. 

Suga moaned prettily, his head tipping back as he bucked his hips into Satori’s hand. His long hair was beginning to cling to his forehead, and his teeth dug into his lip. Satori slid his hand around Suga’s face, pulling his lip free with his thumb. Suga smiled at him, sliding his hand over Satori’s and turning his head to press a kiss to Satori’s palm. 

“Fuck,” Satori cursed, his hips stuttering upwards into his hand as he pumped both their cocks together. “Suga, I’m--” he broke off on a whine as Suga thrust into his hand, his cock rubbing against Satori’s. “‘M gonna--”

“Please,” Suga said, his voice soft and breathy. “Come for me. Come with me.”

Suga ducked forward to capture his lips, swallowing his broken whine as Satori spilled his release over his hand and stomach. Suga continued to rut against him in short, aborted thrusts, his mouth open, lips pressed loosely against Satori’s. He was almost silent when he came, letting out a choked whimper, his body going rigid before he slumped against Satori. 

Satori ran his fingers up and down Suga’s back, his skin hot and sticky from sweat. Suga let out a contented hum, his cheek pressed against Satori’s chest. 

“Thank you,” Suga said after a while. “I… I think I needed that.”

“Anytime,” Satori said without thinking, content just to hold Suga close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of the old Suga comes back at last! He's still a little chaos demon, underneath all that angst.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter sans angst, or as close to it as we get in this fic!

Suga was scooping instant coffee into a mug when there was a knock at the door--quick, light raps in an almost musical pattern. 

Setting the spoon down, he crossed over to the door, cracking it open a couple inches. 

Tendou was standing there, holding a plastic bag in his hand. He lifted it slightly, brandishing it towards Suga.

“I made some onigiri,” he said with a grin. “Thought you might want some.”

Suga stared. Tendou… made him food? Without warning, his stomach let out a loud gurgle. 

Tendou laughed, beaming at him. “You gonna let me in or what?”

“Alright, yeah,” Suga said. “I am pretty hungry.” He quickly shut the door, undoing the chain before opening it again, letting Tendou inside. Tendou bent over to untie his shoes, slipping out of them and leaving them neatly against the wall. He strode over into the kitchen, dropping his bag on the counter and pulling out several neatly-wrapped onigiri. 

“They’re tuna,” he said, gesturing towards the onigiri marked with permanent marker on the plastic wrap. “The marked ones are spicy. Probably not _your_ kind of spicy, but I tried.” He offered one to Suga, taking an unmarked one for himself. 

They both sat down at the table, unwrapping their onigiri. Suga’s stomach growled again as the simple, familiar smell of the fresh rice hit his nose. Tendou watched expectantly as Suga leaned in to take a bite. The mild flavor of the soft, sticky rice hit his tongue first, followed by the burst of mild heat from the tuna as he hit the filling. The flavors mingled as he chewed, and he took another bite to get a bit of the salty nori wrapping. 

“It’s good,” he said, and Tendou smiled. 

“You have nothing but cup noodles and instant coffee in your kitchen,” Tendou said, though Suga couldn’t help but notice his gaze also strayed to the liquor bottles sitting in plain sight on the counter. “You need to eat some real food sometimes.”

He wanted to argue--he didn’t need Tendou to mother him--but he forced the instinct down. Even if Suga wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve it, Tendou had gone out of his way to make him food. The least he could do was eat it. And it _was_ good. It was really good. It was fresh and flavorful and made him feel warm inside. 

They ate in companionable silence. When Suga finished his first onigiri, Tendou wordlessly passed him a second one. When he’d eaten his fill, Suga stood up, remembering his abandoned coffee. He turned the kettle back on, then looked over at Tendou.

“Do you want any?” he asked, holding up the jar of instant coffee. 

Tendou shook his head. “Nah. I can’t do coffee. Makes me all jittery.”

Suga nodded. “I’d, uh, I’d offer you tea, but….” But he didn’t have any.

“That’s okay,” Tendou said, waving him off with an easy smile. “Just some water?”

“Tap okay?” Suga asked, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet. Tendou nodded, and Suga filled the glass from the sink and passed it to him. Then he froze.

Tendou had finished eating, too. He’d gotten sticky rice on his fingers--long, slender fingers, slightly bony but without being skeletal--and he was licking it off, his lips wrapping around each finger in turn, cheeks hollowing ever so slightly. He… did he _know?_ He had to know what he was doing.

Tendou glanced up, his eyes widening when he met Suga’s rapt gaze.

“What?” he said.

“Are you serious?” Suga said, his eyes fixed on Tendou’s wet, pink lips. 

He could see it the moment Tendou caught on. The slight widening of his eyes, before his breath hitched in his chest. 

Suga walked around the back of Tendou’s chair, wrapping his arms around him from behind. He pressed his lips to Tendou’s neck while one hand trailed down his chest. 

“Suga--”

“Please,” Suga said. “Let me, please. I want you.”

Tendou nodded, and Suga reached down, yanking the button of his jeans open one-handed. He snuck his hand into Tendou’s briefs, wrapping his fingers around his cock. Tendou gasped, and Suga let out a satisfied hum, slowly pumping him while he reached full hardness. He was _long--_Suga had almost forgotten how long he was--and Suga felt a surge of _want,_ remembering how that cock had felt inside of him. The thought mingled unpleasantly with anxiety, hazy memories he didn’t want to acknowledge. He wanted them to go away. Maybe… maybe he could replace them. 

“Tendou, can we--I want you. Inside me.” He trailed open-mouthed kisses down Tendou’s neck, his hand stilling on Tendou’s cock to let him think. 

“Suga…” Tendou said, obviously hesitant. Suga didn’t have to ask why. 

He let out a sharp breath. He didn’t want to _talk_ about this. 

“Look. I want to do this. On my own terms. Will you let me, or not?”

Slowly, Tendou relented, nodding and relaxing into Suga’s arms. “Okay. How do you want me?”

“Hmm. Maybe not on the couch this time.” 

Suga stood up, pulling Tendou along with him. He led him to his room, shutting the door behind them. Suga grabbed the lube and a condom from his bedside table, setting both on the bed. 

“Do you want to prep yourself, or do you want me to do it?” Tendou asked.

Suga hummed, a smile spreading across his face. “Definitely you,” he said, lifting one of Tendou’s hands to his mouth and sucking two of those long fingers into his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and moaning around them. 

Tendou cursed under his breath, his other hand coming to rest at Suga’s side. Suga walked backwards until the back of his knees hit the bed, and then he sank backwards onto it, scooting back until he was leaning comfortably on his pillow. 

“Can I undress you?” Tendou asked.

“Please,” Suga said. Tendou sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his briefs and sweatpants down over his hips, casting them onto the floor. Suga reached for his shirt, and Tendou helped him pull it off. “You too,” he said, gesturing at Tendou’s clothes.

Tendou smiled, pulling his shirt over his head. He unzipped his pants, pushing them off his legs and stepping out of them before he climbed onto the bed to join Suga. He positioned himself between Suga’s legs, running his hands up his shins, thumbs digging into his flesh. 

Tendou looked down at him, an unbearably tender expression on his face. As his eyes met Suga’s, he froze, his mouth falling open. Suga wanted to squirm under the scrutiny. 

“What?” he said finally.

Tendou snapped out of it, closing his mouth and blinking a couple of times. “Nothing. Just… you’re beautiful.”

Suga _blushed._ He honest-to-god blushed, his cheeks heating against his will. It’s not like he never was complimented on his looks--but there was a world of difference between the slurred, drunken praise he was used to and Tendou’s unabashed honesty. Tendou’s hands were gentle on his legs, thumbs brushing softly over his knees. 

“Are you…” Tendou began after a moment, hesitant. “Are you sure about this, Suga? Really sure? I don’t want--after what happened…”

Suga took a breath, letting it out in a controlled huff. “I want you. Isn’t that enough?”

Tendou looked conflicted still, his eyes off to the side. 

“_Please._ I want this. I need it.”

“Okay, okay,” Tendou said, taking a deep breath. “Just--at _any_ point, if you want me to stop, just tell me. No questions asked.”

“I will. Now get over here and touch me,” Suga said.

Tendou _finally_ relented, leaning forward between Suga’s legs and closing his lips over Suga’s. Suga hummed happily, leaning up into the kiss. Tendou’s fingers wove into his hair, brushing it back from his face. 

“Lube?” Tendou murmured against his lips. Suga reached up, fingers scrambling for the bottle where it had slipped just under his pillow. Tendou uncapped it, pouring some over his fingers. He recaptured Suga’s lips, his other hand cradling Suga’s face gently as he brought slick fingers to his hole, gently massaging the ring of muscle there. Tendou pressed his thumb over Suga’s perineum and Suga shivered, humming or maybe moaning into the kiss. 

Suga pressed back against Tendou’s fingers. “Please. C’mon, Tendou. I want you.”

Tendou pulled back momentarily, looking into Suga’s eyes. Suga could still see a hint of hesitance there, but whatever Tendou saw must have satisfied him enough, because he nodded slowly, pressing one of those deliciously long fingers into Suga. 

Suga sucked in a breath. He was very suddenly reminded that he hadn’t done this in… in a while. He breathed deeply, fixing his eyes on Tendou’s face, familiar pale skin and red hair and freckles, grounding himself in the moment. 

“You good?” Tendou asked. 

Suga nodded, relaxing into his pillows. “Keep going,” he said, smiling lazily. Tendou chuckled, sitting back on his knees to focus on what he was doing. He worked his finger slowly in and out, massaging Suga’s walls and stretching his rim.

“Another,” Suga said. 

“You sure?” Tendou replied.

“Please.” 

Tendou wrapped his free arm around Suga’s leg, hitching it up over his shoulder. He nuzzled his cheek against Suga’s calf, pressing a cheek to the inside of his knee as he eased a second finger in. 

“Okay?” Tendou asked, eyes on Suga’s face.

“Yeah,” Suga said, wiggling his hips slightly. “‘S good. Keep going.”

Tendou continued to stretch him carefully, checking in every step of the way as he eventually added another finger. He was so attentive, so gentle. Suga let himself lie back and enjoy it, sometimes grinding down on Tendou’s fingers when it wasn’t enough, but generally letting Tendou do all the work. 

“_Tendou,”_ Suga said, clenching around the three fingers inside of him. Tendou’s fingers were so long, and filled him up so nicely, but it wasn’t _enough. _It wasn’t what he needed. “Please, Tendou. I need you.”

“You sure?” Tendou asked, scissoring his fingers a few times for good measure. 

“_Yes.”_

Tendou nodded shakily. His eyes were blown dark with lust, and it sent a rush of heat to Suga’s core to see the effect he had on him. Tendou slowly pulled his fingers out, and Suga shivered at the loss. 

Suga grabbed for the condom he’d gotten out. When his fingers closed around a small foil packet, he tossed it at Tendou, who fumbled it with shaky hands, snatching it back up from the bed. Suga chuckled, reaching down to touch himself while Tendou rolled the condom over his own cock. When Tendou looked back up, his eyes went wide, his mouth hanging open. 

“_God,_ you’re so… you’re so…” Tendou said, apparently failing to find the words he needed. 

Suga smirked, languorously dragging his fingers over his cock, sliding his thumb over the head. Tendou was frozen in place, watching with rapt attention. 

“Fuck me, Tendou,” Suga said, and Tendou’s eyes snapped up to his. 

Tendou blinked twice, his fingers digging into Suga’s thigh where he gripped it. He nodded, keeping his eyes trained on Suga’s face as he grabbed the lube again, hastily but liberally slicking his cock. He lined himself up, hesitating just shy of where Suga wanted him. 

“Ready?” Tendou asked.

“_Please,”_ Suga said, wiggling his hips down so Tendou’s cock nudged his hole. 

Tendou pressed in slowly. So slowly, the sweet drag of it was almost torturous. Tendou wasn’t thick, but he was _long,_ and moving as slowly as he was, Suga felt every inch. Tendou pressed soft kisses to Suga’s knee, and Suga could feel Tendou’s breath hot and heavy against his skin. 

After what felt like an eternity, Tendou bottomed out, his hips flush against Suga’s ass. Suga felt so perfectly full, Tendou’s cock hitting places his fingers never could. He gave an experimental wiggle of his hips. A shudder travelled down Tendou’s body as he held himself still, allowing Suga to adjust. His eyes were half-shut, and the flush had travelled from his freckled cheeks all the way down over his pale chest, which rose and fell with his labored breath. 

Even so, he watched Suga carefully, holding himself perfectly still. Suga felt a bloom of warmth in his chest that was unrelated to the burning heat pooling in his core. It was a soft, tender warmth that felt alien to him. A warmth he felt more and more often when Tendou was involved, it seemed. 

“How does it feel?” Tendou asked. His voice had gone low and surprisingly husky, and Suga couldn’t help but shiver. 

“It’s good,” Suga said, winding his fingers into his own hair, biting his lip as he looked up at Tendou. “C’mon. Fuck me.”

Tendou shuddered, nodding with hooded eyes. He pulled out just slightly before sliding back in, his hips slapping against Suga’s ass.

“Mm, yes. Just like that,” Suga said, humming appreciatively.

Tendou hitched Suga’s leg further up his shoulder, leaning forward so Suga’s thigh nearly touched his chest. On the next thrust Suga groaned. Tendou was hitting him so deep; he’d almost forgotten how good it was. Suga angled his hips, meeting Tendou on the next thrust--

“_Fuck,”_ he gasped. “Right there.”

Tendou’s eyes were hawklike, zeroed in on Suga’s face as he repeated the motion, sending pleasure zinging up Suga’s spine. “Don’t stop. God, fuck, don’t you dare stop,” Suga babbled, breaking off on a groan. Tendou kept up a steady rhythm, giving relentless pressure right where Suga needed it. 

“_Suga,”_ Tendou said on a groan, mouth open and brows drawn together as he drove into him. “You’re so beautiful. So fuckin’ beautiful. _Shit.”_

Suga’s chest heaved, the hazy warmth of the praise fueling the fire in his gut. His whole body felt taut, tension building as the sweet pressure built in his abdomen. It was too much. It wasn’t enough.

“Touch me,” he said. Commanded. Begged. Tendou complied instantly, long fingers wrapping themselves around Suga’s cock. Suga keened, panting as the dual sensations drove him towards the edge. He felt like he was falling apart, his hands clawing at the sheets for purchase. 

“Tendou,” he said. “Tendou, please.”

“I’ve got you,” Tendou said, pressing hot kisses to the inside of Suga’s knee. “I’ve got you, Suga.”

Suga let out a soft whine, giving himself over to the sensation. His vision whited out as pleasure overtook him, his back arching off the bed as he spilled his release over his stomach. Tendou continued to fuck him through it until the pleasure was so much it almost bordered on pain. It was so intense it took him a while to come back to himself. He felt weightless and hazy, and was only dimly aware of Tendou pulling out and finishing in his hand.

By the time Tendou disappeared for a minute and came back with a wet towel, Suga had mostly regained his faculties. 

Tendou sat down on the edge of the bed. “Back with us?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Suga replied with a lazy smile.

“You okay?”

“Am I okay,” Suga echoed with a snort. “Holy fuck, Tendou. I think I just came so hard I saw stars.”

“Oh,” Tendou said, eyes wide as he blinked at Suga. “Um. I’m glad?”

Suga giggled. The laughter bubbled uncontrollably up his throat, and he put a hand over his mouth as he shook with unsuppressed mirth. “You are too much,” he said, still laughing. 

Tendou blushed, looking uncertain how to respond. Instead he picked up the wet towel he’d retrieved, gently cleaning Suga up. 

“Taking care of me and everything,” Suga said. “I feel so spoiled.” 

Tendou smiled. “It’s the least I can do.”

Suga disagreed, but he didn’t bother saying so. He didn’t want to argue right now. For once he was fucking happy, and he wanted to enjoy it. 

“Well, I guess I’ll just…” Tendou trailed off, starting to reach for his clothes where they’d been discarded on the floor. Suga grabbed his wrist before he could stand up, and Tendou’s eyes shot to his.

“You could….” Suga trailed off, unused to making this offer. He found himself averting his eyes, shrinking under Tendou’s steady, honest gaze. “You could stay. Y’know, if you want.”

Tendou was so silent, Suga began to worry he’d overstepped the bounds of… whatever this was. He peeked up at Tendou, who was staring back at him with wide eyes. When he saw Suga looking, though, Tendou blinked, seemingly shaking himself. 

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Suga resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He knew it was ridiculous; he’d given Tendou no reason _not_ to ask that question. But still, he wished he wasn’t… like this. He huffed out a breath. “Look, I’m… I’m sober, and I’ve been fucking horny all week, and I could really go for a round two after a good nap.”

Tendou stared for a moment, and then a soft smile spread across his face. “Yeah, okay,” he said, swinging his legs up onto the bed. Suga grabbed the edge of his blankets, pulling them over them both. He let himself be pulled against Tendou’s chest, wrapping one arm around that thin waist and wiggling a bit until he was comfortable. He relished the warm contact of skin on skin as he listened to the steady beat of Tendou’s heart below his ear. Sated and warm and more contented than he had been in longer than he cared to remember, Suga slipped easily into a sound sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this, some development on Suga's end?


	8. Chapter 8

**Suga 2:14 PM: **I think you left your underwear, bc these definitely aren’t mine

He attached a picture of the Pokemon briefs in question dangling from his finger. Before Tendou could respond, his phone chimed with another message.

**Suga 2:14 PM:**Cute, btw

**Tendou 2:16 PM: **I had brought the ones I borrowed to return to you, but I ended up needing them ;)

**Tendou 2:16 PM:**So I left mine as collateral

**Suga 2:17 PM: **Collateral, or a reason to come back?

**Tendou 2:17 PM: **Same thing, isn’t it?

***

**Tendou 6:48 PM:**Can I come over? I think my brain is gonna turn to mush if I try to study any longer

**Suga 6:51 PM: **Only if you bring food

**Tendou 6:58 PM: **Pizza ok?

**Suga 7:00 PM:**Get jalapenos and hot sauce

**Tendou 7:03 PM:** You madman ಠ_ಠ

**Suga 7:03 PM: **Pretty please?

**Tendou 7:04 PM:**Ok but you’re getting your own pizza, I don’t want mine contaminated

***

**Suga 12:42 AM:** U awake?

**Tendou 12:45 AM: **… yes…..

**Tendou 12:45 AM: **IS THIS A BOOTY CALL

**Tendou 12:45 AM: **Am I forreal getting //booty called//??? (๑°o°๑)

**Suga 12:46 AM:** … omg u dork

**Suga 12:47 AM:** why don’t u come and find out

**Tendou 12:52 AM: **… omw

***

**Tendou 3:54 PM: **So you’re seriously telling me that you’ve never seen fma

**Suga 3:55 PM:** Sorry, no

**Tendou 3:55 PM: **(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

**Suga 3:56 PM: **Not all of us are otaku trash

**Tendou 3:57 PM: **THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING OTAKU EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET SHOULD WATCH FMA IT’S JUST THE RULES

**Tendou 3:57 PM: **I hope you don’t have plans this weekend

**Suga 3:59 PM: **I have a feeling you will come to my apartment and kidnap me if I say otherwise, so no I don’t have plans this weekend

***

Tendou was sprawled across his bed, reading a paragraph in his textbook for about the tenth time when he heard the door open. 

“Welcome ba--” he started to say, before he looked up at Semi, who was faintly flushed, and appeared to be sweating. “I thought you were going to get dinner with that girl from your class. Did you run back or something?”

Semi laughed. “No, we went to this Indian place. The vindaloo was so spicy I thought I was going to die. I still haven’t quite recovered.”

Tendou perked up. “How spicy are we talking?” he asked eagerly, sitting up.

“Why do you wanna know?” Semi asked, raising one skeptical eyebrow. “I know you have no tolerance for heat.”

“No no no, I’m not gonna eat it. _Definitely_ not, if it’s got you sweating like that. It’s--Suga likes spicy food.”

Semi raised an eyebrow, but refrained from commenting. “I can’t say I recommend it. It felt like my mouth was _literally_ on fire. My lips still hurt.”

Tendou grinned. “That’s just how he likes it.”

Semi gave him a vaguely terrified look, but shrugged. “Well, I’ll text you the name of the place.”

***

“So spicy he thought he was gonna die, huh?” Suga said as they walked together towards the restaurant. 

“Mhmm,” Tendou said. “And Semisemi likes spicy food, so you _know_ it’s gonna be hot.”

Suga raised his eyebrows, but Tendou could see the hint of a grin quirking his lips. 

Tendou _smelled_ the place before he saw it. The rich, spicy aromas carried on the breeze, making his mouth water. Inside, it was even better. The smells seemed to infuse the very aura of the place, warm and inviting. They got a table, and Tendou ordered a mango lassi to sip on while they waited for their food--the vindaloo (extra hot) for Suga, a milder curry for Tendou. 

“Can I try?” Suga asked, gesturing at the lassi. Tendou passed the glass over, watching as Suga took a sip, his eyes lighting up. He looked beautiful, Tendou thought. Tendou’s quest to find the best spicy food for him seemed to be paying off--it made Suga happy first and foremost, but it had also helped him put some weight back on. His face wasn’t so sunken, the circles under his eyes less pronounced. “Mm, that’s good,” he said with a grin, and Tendou’s heart squeezed in his chest. When Suga really smiled, he was convinced there was nothing more beautiful on earth. 

“Y-yeah,” Tendou said belatedly, taking the drink back. He took a sip himself, sighing contentedly. “Man, this is nice. I’ve been going nuts prepping for midterms.”

Suga made a face, as he usually did at any mention of school. Lately, though, he’d at least been willing to talk about it. A little bit. Tendou was pretty sure he was going to class, which he knew he hadn’t been before. 

“I don’t wanna think about it,” Suga said, scrunching his face up. “I have to meet with my advisor tomorrow.”

“What about?” Tendou prodded gently. 

Suga scowled, but he didn’t wall him off. “... Mandatory meeting. Academic probation and all.”

“Oh,” Tendou said, feeling slightly dumb. It made sense, given what he knew, that Suga would be doing poorly in school. He only hoped his presence would help him turn it around. “Well, good luck.”

The scowl didn’t quite leave Suga’s face, but he thanked him in a low voice. Tendou regretted bringing it up; they’d been having such a nice time. Luckily, their food arrived a moment later, and all talk of school was forgotten in the midst of the warm, spicy aromas wafting up from their plates. 

***

Suga dodged his advisor’s eyes as he entered her office the next day, slipping into one of the chairs by her desk.

He’d missed his last meeting with her. He’d been too hungover; he’d slept right through it. By her stern gaze, Suga could tell she wasn’t impressed. 

“Good afternoon,” she said finally. 

“Good afternoon,” Suga echoed.

“How have you been doing?” she asked.

“Um. Fine, I guess.”

She nodded, looking at her computer screen and clicking a few things. Suga stared down at his lap. 

“Well, I’ll get right to the point. You are aware that under the terms of your academic probation, you are required to meet with me regularly _and_ pull your GPA up to above a 2.0, or you risk being dismissed from the university,” she said, fixing him with a level gaze. It wasn’t quite a question.

“Yes,” Suga said, a dizzying sinking feeling in his stomach. He’d been doing better--no drugs, less drinking, he’d even been going to class as often as not. He’d let himself be taken in by the illusion that everything could be okay, and he had a feeling he was about to crash back down to earth. 

“You’ve missed two required meetings, as I’m sure you’re aware. Your attendance has improved recently, which I appreciate, but there hasn’t been a marked improvement in your grades. Your midterm grades were well below the mark needed to pull yourself out of academic probation.”

Suga nodded. It felt like the room was spinning. He was so _stupid._

“Mr. Sugawara, I am going to be blunt with you. Unless you make drastic changes, you are going to fail out. You should think seriously about your future at this university, and keep in mind that your student visa is also in jeopardy here.”

***

Suga didn’t really remember the rest of the meeting after that. Only the swirling, sinking feeling. For the first time since he’d moved to the states, he’d actually been _happy,_ or close to it. He’d actually believed he could pull his act together, but in the end it made no difference. His grades were as bad as ever.

He was just circling the drain. It was only a matter of time until everything fell apart completely.

He dropped his bag by the door when he got back to his apartment, shucking his shoes and walking inside. He stopped in the middle of the room, looking around. 

There was a luridly bright hoodie draped over one of the kitchen chairs. Tendou’s, not his. A copy of _Shonen Jump_ on the sofa. An empty ice cream carton in the trash can. If he went into the bathroom, there would be an extra toothbrush and a tub of hair gel out by the sink. 

Tendou had left traces of himself everywhere. His clothes were in Suga’s laundry; his deodorant was on Suga’s dresser. Suga’s cabinets were no longer empty, because Tendou had filled them with both staples and a random assortment of snacks. 

When had he allowed Tendou to become such a part of his life?

His phone chimed, and he swiped to open the message. 

**Tendou 3:35 PM: **Save me!!! (;*´Д`)ﾉ

He’d attached an image. He was in the library, it looked like, with his face leaning on a stack of books. There was a notebook open in front of him, full of his unintelligible scrawl--a nonsensical mix of japanese and english. 

Suga stared at the picture until his eyes started to blur. Tendou was working _so hard._ He was working his ass off, and still found the time to be there for Suga. He was too _good._ Kind, and generous, and Suga knew he would give and give and give.

Suga was circling the drain, and he was going to take Tendou down with him. The realization stuck in his throat like glue.

He couldn’t let that happen. He didn’t care what happened to himself, but Tendou deserved better. Tendou deserved so much better than him. Suga had to let him go. 

His phone chimed with another message. 

**Tendou 3:27 PM:** Btw I forgot to ask, how’d your meeting go yesterday?

**Suga 3:49 PM: **Not so good

**Suga 3:51 PM: **Gotta pull my grades up or I’m gonna fail out. My advisor hooked me up with a study group, but I might not be able to hang out so much, I have a lot of catching up to do

**Tendou 3:55 PM:** Of course! School comes first. I’m here if you need me, though! 

Reading Tendou’s last text was like a knife twisting in Suga’s chest, even if he’d been the one to put it there himself. 

He turned towards the kitchen. There were no liquor bottles on the counter anymore. He opened the cabinet; those were gone too. Tendou’s doing, he was sure. He choked off a sob. He hated himself. He could _see_ Tendou’s sad, disappointed eyes. How could he not be disappointed? Suga was _worthless. _Whatever Tendou saw in him, it wasn’t _there._

Suga went into Shane’s room, opening the third drawer of his dresser and pulling out the fifth of rum Shane stashed there.

He welcomed the fiery burn as he takes a long pull straight from the bottle. He breathed in a gasp, his breath catching. His eyes were wet. He pretended it was from the burn of the alcohol. 

***

“_Up you get.”_

There were hands pulling at Suga’s shoulders. Did the hands belong to the voice? Suga blinked, trying to sit up. The room swam. The person’s voice sounded strange and distant.

“Come on, Suga. Let me get you home.”

Suga looked up. 

It was Tendou.

Of _course_ it was Tendou. Suga’s stomach lurched. He wanted to bury his face in the bar and stay there forever. He wanted to grab onto Tendou, to hold him tight and never let go. Consequences be damned. 

Tendou wound an arm under Suga’s and around his back, pulling him off the barstool and to his feet. Suga allowed himself to be led outside, the cool air sobering him somewhat. 

“‘M Sorry,” Suga mumbled. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” Tendou said in an unbearably gentle voice. 

“Yes, I do,” Suga said, swallowing down the sob that wanted to work its way up his throat. Tendou didn’t respond.

Suga wasn’t sure if he was totally conscious the whole way back to his apartment. The bar he’d been at wasn’t far, but it seemed like barely seconds later that Tendou had him at his front door, helping him dig out his keys to let them in. Tendou steadied him while he took off his shoes, then steered him to his bed, laying him down and helping him out of his jeans. He disappeared for a minute and returned with a glass full of water. Suga took it, draining the glass obediently. 

“You good?” Tendou asked.

Suga nodded, and Tendou turned to leave. Suga should have just let him go. He knew he should have, but instead he gave into his own selfish desires. One last night, he told himself. One last night wouldn’t hurt.

“Wait,” he said. “Would you… would you stay?”

Tendou turned back, his eyes softening. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Okay.” He walked back towards the bed, slipping out of his jeans and easing his jacket off his shoulders. Suga moved over to make room for him and Tendou climbed into his bed, holding an arm out that Suga slid under readily. Suga rested his cheek against Tendou’s chest, warm through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Tendou’s fingers brushed softly over his back in a gentle, soothing gesture. Almost… loving. 

Suga’s chest seized almost painfully, and he swallowed down the sob that tried to bubble up his throat. 

He should never have let Tendou into his life. He was too good, too caring and giving and _pure,_ and Suga would only taint him. He’d known that from the start, but somehow Tendou had worked his way in, slipped past Suga’s defenses until he was _everywhere._

It had to stop. It had to, before it was too late. He had to let Tendou go.

No matter how much that might hurt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoop there it is


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings in end notes!

**Tendou 5:34 PM:** That movie you wanted to see premieres this weekend. You wanna go see it? Maybe Friday night? I could use a break from schoolwork!

**Suga 5:41 PM:** I can’t, I’m meeting with my study group

**Tendou 5:43 PM:** Aww. Another time maybe?

**Suga 5:51 PM: **Yeah, maybe

***

**Tendou 4:13 PM: **I. HATE. MIDTERMS.

**Tendou 4:15 PM:** I think my brain might be goo

Suga never answered, but Tendou figured he was going through the same thing. It seemed borderline cruel, the way his professors stacked midterm exams and papers and projects one on top of the other, never giving them a moment’s rest. A good night’s rest was starting to feel like an impossible luxury, and he was getting seriously concerned for Semi’s health. His normally very healthy eating habits went to shit around exam time, and he had bruise-dark circles under his eyes, which were strained and red from staring at a computer screen for hours on end. 

Tendou doubted he himself looked much better, though. He felt constantly on the edge of a breakdown, and he halfway wished Suga would respond to him, if only to take his mind off things for a blissful few minutes. If Suga was as busy as he was, though, Tendou didn’t want to pester him, so he refrained from texting again. _Especially_ after what Suga said about his academic probation. He was meeting with a study group, dedicating himself to doing better, and Tendou wouldn’t get in the way of that. 

No, he’d put his nose back to the grindstone. He just had to get through the next couple of weeks, and he could relax for a bit until finals. He’d catch up with Suga once they’d _both_ made it through midterms alive. 

***

**Tendou 7:43 PM: **Sugaaaaaaaaaaa

**Tendou 7:43 PM: **I SURVIVED

**Tendou 7:43 PM: **Had my last midterm today

**Tendou 7:56 PM: **Is everything ok? I know I’ve been super busy the past few weeks but midterms are done now so it should get better

**Tendou 9:06 PM: **I’m really sorry I haven’t had time to hang out lately

**Tendou 9:07 PM: **I’ll make it up to you I promise!!! m(￢0￢)m

**Tendou 9:08 PM: **C’mon, I haven’t seen you in WEEKS

**Tendou 9:08 PM: **Tomorrow maybe? We can go to that indian place again. My treat!!!

***

**Tendou 12:38 AM: **Look I just realized I haven’t even heard from you at all in at least a week and I’m kind of worried???

**Tendou 12:38 AM:**Just answer me so I know you’re ok

**Tendou 12:41 AM: **Please, Suga

Satori jumped when his phone rang, grabbing for it and glancing at the caller ID.

It was Suga. 

The breath left his lungs in a slow _whoosh_ of relief, some of the tension easing from his shoulders. 

“Sugaaaa!” he said, answering the call. “Have you forgiven me?”

“... Tendou, right?”

The voice that answered was lower, rougher than Suga’s, with a smooth American accent. The relief that had washed over him was gone as quickly as it had come, replaced by a ball of anxiety that lodged itself in his chest. 

“Yes…” he said. “Who is this?”

“I’m Suga’s roommate, Shane. Look, you’re the one he’s been seeing, right? You know him from home?”

“Yes,” Satori said. Something in Shane’s tone was quickly turning that anxiety into _fear._ “Please, what’s going on? Where is Suga?”

There was a rough exhale. “He’s in the hospital. He OD’ed. I swear to god, he was fine one second and then he was on the fucking floor and some chick was calling 911 and--”

“What hospital,” Tendou asked, his whole chest quickly turning to ice. 

“I--”

“_Just tell me what hospital.”_

***

The subway ride over to the hospital Suga had been taken to was nothing short of torture. Each stop seemed to take an eternity, and Satori’s legs bounced out of control. The woman sitting next to him glared, but he was way beyond caring. All that mattered was getting to Suga. 

He took off at a run as soon as he reached his stop, oblivious to the glares of the people he shoved past. 

When he finally got to the hospital, he skidded to a stop at the front desk, his chest heaving.

“Whoa, hey,” the woman sitting at the desk said. “Easy. Take a deep breath. I’m guessing you’re here to see someone, so just give me their name, okay?”

“Sugawara. Koushi Sugawara.”

The woman typed it into her computer, and Satori forced himself to take a deep breath like she’d said.

“Okay,” she said finally. “He was admitted to the ER earlier this evening. He was treated there, and he’s been transferred to cardiac.”

“_Cardiac?”_ Satori said, his eyes going wide. “That means--heart stuff, right? I thought he overdosed; did he have a heart attack?” 

“I don’t know, I’m sorry. The doctors will be able to tell you more.”

She gave him directions to the wing Suga had been transferred to, and he took off at a brisk pace, barely restraining the urge to run.

When he reached the waiting room in the cardiac ward, a tall, dark-haired guy pushed off the wall he’d been leaning on, glancing in Satori’s direction. 

“Tendou?” the guy said. 

“I’m guessing you’re Shane,” Satori replied, his words short and clipped. 

Shane was tall, but not quite as tall as Satori. He had dark, messy hair, what looked like at least a week’s worth of stubble, and earrings in both ears. Satori hated him. 

“What the fuck happened?” Satori said. “He was--he was _quitting,_ he told me he was sober!”

“Sober? Is that what he told you?” Shane said, and he laughed. He _laughed._ It was a short, mirthless huff of air but Satori saw red. 

“Do you think this is _funny?”_ Satori said, grabbing the lapel of Shane’s worn leather jacket. 

“Wha--_no. _Look, I’m sorry I don’t know how to fucking handle this, okay?”

“Sir,” a gentle, but stern voice interrupted. “I’m going to need to ask the two of you to lower your voices, okay?”

Satori released his grip on Shane’s jacket, taking a step back and letting out a slow breath through his nose. 

“I’m sorry,” Satori said, turning to the nurse who had interrupted them. “I’m here to see Koushi Sugawara; can you tell me where he is? How is he doing? Is he going to be okay?”

The nurse held out a hand. “I’m afraid Mr. Sugawara is still unconscious, but I can show you to his room if you like.”

Satori nodded quickly and followed the nurse away from the waiting room where Shane remained. 

“Is he going to be okay? They didn’t know anything at the front desk, but why is he in cardiac? I thought--it was an overdose, right? He didn’t have a heart attack or something, did he?”

“No, sir. Overdoses often affect the cardiorespiratory system, so it’s normal for overdose patients to be brought here.”

“Is he going to be okay, though?”

“I can’t give you details of his treatment, but currently he is in serious but stable condition.” 

Satori nodded, but even so the ball of fear in his chest barely eased. The nurse turned and opened the door to one of the rooms, and he followed her inside.

His heart leapt into his throat, and he put a hand over his mouth, stifling a sob. 

_Oh, Suga._

The hospital bed seemed so big compared to Suga’s small, still form. His skin was so pale, and combined with his silvery hair he seemed almost ethereal, like he would just disappear any moment. He was hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor, and there was a breathing tube in his throat. There were so many tubes and wires.

Satori’s eyes blurred with tears. He tried to think back to the last time he’d seen Suga. When was it? It had been… it had been weeks. God, he was so stupid. He’d been so busy with midterms he’d allowed Suga to slide off his radar, _again,_ and now here he was, looking as pale and as still as death. 

“Please,” Satori said, his voice thick and wet with tears. “Please, just--is he going to be okay?”

The nurse let out a slow breath, turning towards him with a gentle expression that spoke of years of practice in situations like this. “We won’t know more until he wakes up, but he seems to be responding well to treatment.”

Satori nodded, unable to tear his eyes off of Suga for long. 

“How long? Until he wakes up?” he asked.

“I’m afraid I can’t say for certain. Hopefully, he’ll wake up within twenty four hours. It may be longer, though.”

“Can I… can I stay with him?”

“I’m sorry,” the nurse said. “Unless you’re family or his spouse, I can’t allow you to stay until Mr. Sugawara is awake to agree to it. You’re welcome to wait in the waiting room, but it’s going to be a while. You may want to go home for now.”

“No,” Satori said quickly, shaking his head emphatically. “I can’t leave him. Everyone--all of his friends and family are in Japan. I’m staying.”

“Of course.”

She allowed him a few more moments to linger by Suga’s bedside, and then he followed her back outside. Shane, from the look of it, had left. Satori should have been angry, but he didn’t have it in him. All he could think of was Suga; he was glad not to have to deal with Shane anymore. He sank into one of the stiff waiting room chairs like his strings had been cut, doubling over and holding his face in his hands. The image of Suga in that bed--small and pale and lifeless--was burned into his brain. 

He was shaking. He was only aware of it distantly, like it was happening to someone else. The worst combination of exhaustion and nerves gripped him. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to wake up and find this had all been a bad dream.

He was so _scared._

Hospitals were foreign to him. He’d been little when his grandma died; he barely remembered. Other than that, he’d been to a hospital one time in grade school to visit a classmate who’d gotten an infection in a cut on her ankle. 

But _this,_ combined with the constant stress of the language barrier, and the uncertainty of Suga’s condition… he was out of his depth, and he was scared, and he felt so _alone._

He didn’t know what to do.

A wave of fierce, _fierce_ loneliness and homesickness washed over him. Without even thinking, he dug his phone out of his bag with clumsy fingers and dialed, praying for an answer. 

“Hello?”

That voice eased the vise grip that fear had on his chest. He sucked in a breath. “Nee-chan,” he said, his voice coming out small and unsteady. 

“Satorin?” Nanako said, concern instantly coloring her tone. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I mean--I’m okay. It’s… it’s Suga.”

“Tell me what happened,” Nanako said.

So he did. He told her about getting the call from Shane, about rushing to the hospital and the horrible dread of not _knowing._ He told her how terrifying it was to see Suga like that, and how much he hated not being able to stay with him, because some part of him was always convinced that the second he looked away Suga would just disappear. 

He told her about how busy he’d been with midterms, how he hadn’t even noticed anything was wrong until the worst happened. About Shane’s flippant response when he’d said he thought Suga had been sober.

“I should have--I should have paid more attention. I just… I was so busy, it feels like I _blinked_ and suddenly he’s in… in the hospital. I should have texted him more, or gone to check on him when he didn’t answer me, or--”

“_Satori,”_ Nanako interrupted, and he froze mid-sentence, the breath whooshing out of his lungs. “Listen to me. This is not your fault.”

“But--”

“But nothing. You can’t do everything. Sometimes bad things happen. All you can do now is be there for him.”

Satori sniffed, nodding even though Nanako couldn’t see him. “Nee-chan, what if--”

“Nuh-uh. Don’t go there, Satorin. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“I know,” Satori said. “He just--he looked _so small,_ and there are so many tubes, and…”

“The nurse said he was responding well to the treatment, right?”

“Yes.”

“Focus on that. From what you’ve told me, Suga’s a stubborn one. He may be lost right now, but you have to believe he’ll pull through. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Satori said, breathing in deeply. “Yeah, okay.”

“Good. Look, Satori, I have a meeting coming up. I can cancel and stay on the line with you if you need me--”

“No, no,” he interrupted. “Don’t do that. I’ll be okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

“Too bad, I am gonna worry about it. Look, call Semi-kun, okay? You shouldn’t be alone right now,” Nanako said. 

Satori shook his head, forgetting again that she couldn’t see him. “He’s asleep right now, I don’t wanna--”

“_Satori. _If Semi-kun called _you_ in the middle of the night because someone he cared about was in the hospital and he needed company, what would you do?”

He let out a slow breath. “Yeah, okay, point taken.”

“Good. Call me or text me later if you need me, okay? Even if it’s late here. I’ll wake up.”

“I will. Thank you, nee-chan.”

“Anytime. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will. Bye,” he said, hesitating for a moment, reluctant to hang up.

“Bye, Satorin.”

As soon as he’d hung up with Nanako, he did as she’d told him and called Semi. Semi, somewhat predictably, didn’t answer on the first try. Satori tried again, and on the third ring Semi picked up. 

“What the hell, Tendou, it’s the middle of the night,” Semi said, and Satori winced. 

“I know, I know, it’s just--it’s Suga. He’s in the hospital, and I--”

“Shit,” Semi said, and Satori could hear rustling in the background. “What happened?”

“Overdose,” Satori said. “He’s unconscious, and they’ve got him on a breathing tube, and…”

“What hospital? I’m getting dressed; I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Satori’s eyes welled up as he was overwhelmed with gratitude for his friend. He gave Semi directions to the hospital, and then hung up. 

Within an hour, Semi was there. He was carrying a massive coffee cup in each hand, and had a big paper bag tucked under his arm.

“Tendou,” he said, setting the coffees and the bag down on a table. “Shit… I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you for coming,” Satori said.

“Of course. You’d do the same for me.”

Tendou almost smiled. “That’s what Nanako said. I was gonna let you sleep, but she told me to call you.”

“Good,” Semi said emphatically. 

“What’d you bring me?” Satori said, more as a distraction than any actual interest in food or drink. 

“I figured you wouldn’t be sleeping much tonight, so--coffee,” Semi said. “And I got a bunch of different donuts, plus a couple of sandwich things in case you felt like eating something more substantial.”

Satori shook his head. “Don’t really feel like eating.”

“That’s kind of what I figured. I got you that s’mores mocha thing you like, though,” Semi said, passing one of the cups to him.

Satori smiled weakly. “You always make fun of me for getting this,” he said.

“I make fun of you for calling that coffee,” Semi said, taking a sip out of his own cup--which almost certainly contained black coffee. 

Satori took a small sip. His stomach was still uneasy, but the drink went down well. 

“Do you know anything?” Semi asked hesitantly. 

“Not a lot,” Satori said. “The nurse said he was ‘serious but stable.’ I’m… not really sure what that means. She said they won’t know anything else until he wakes up, but that could be twenty four hours or more.”

“Shit,” Semi said.

“Yeah,” Satori agreed, taking another sip of his drink. “I’m really glad you’re here, Eita.”

Semi didn’t respond, just laid a comforting hand on Satori’s back, tracing small circles with his thumb. 

In silence, they settled in to wait. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for drug/alcohol use and overdose, and hospital stuff.


	10. Chapter 10

Beeping.

The sound was muffled, far away as it broke through to wherever he was floating, halfway between sleep and wakefulness. 

An alarm clock? He wished someone would turn it off. He just wanted to go back to sleep. So _tired_.

No, the sound was wrong. Not an alarm. What was it?

_Bright._ As he was pulled closer to consciousness, the light assaulted him through his closed eyelids, blue-ish and too-bright. It hurt. His head was throbbing. Chest ached. Awareness of his body flooded back to him. He hurt all over, felt like something heavy was sitting on his chest. When he tried to suck in a breath, it rasped and burned in his throat.

The beeping was louder. Too loud. Pierced his skull.

Where--where was he? He was in a bed, it felt like, but it was too firm, the sheets stiff and scratchy. It smelled like disinfectant and bleach and something strange and sour and stale. He tried to crack his eyes open, but his eyelids were so heavy. 

_Bright_. His head pounded and throbbed violently, causing his stomach to swim with nausea as the light poured into his eyes. It took several moments to see anything other than bright white. 

White ceiling. White sheets. White blanket.

There were tubes and wires connected to his hand, and a sensor over his finger. 

Hospital. He was in the hospital. Why was he--? He couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember how he got here, didn’t know why he was here--

Panic rose like bile in his throat. He tried to sit up, to look around, but his body was so _heavy._

Different beeping. More insistent this time, like his panic was being put to sound. 

Footsteps outside, and then someone was approaching the bed. A doctor or a nurse. 

“Mr. Sugawara, I need you to stay calm. Take a breath for me, okay?” she said, voice steady and calm. “Do you know where you are?”

He was in a hospital. How did… What was the English word for hospital again? He couldn’t… he couldn’t remember. He opened his mouth, but the word wouldn’t come. 

“It’s alright,” she said. “It’s okay if you can’t remember. You’re in the hospital.”

Right. _Hospital_. 

“What do you remember?” she asked. 

His brow scrunched together as he struggled to piece together the bits and pieces floating in his brain. “I…” he began, voice scratchy and painful. Wait. That was Japanese. He needed to speak English.

“I… I was… home? Yesterday. I go--no, I went…” He frowned, the panic only rising in his chest as he struggled over basic vocabulary. He still couldn’t remember. He remembered going out somewhere with Shane, he remembered his first couple of drinks, then… then what? What happened?

“It’s okay,” she said again. “Your memory may be a little fuzzy. You experienced an overdose. You were unconscious when you were admitted last night. You’ve been out for most of a day. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

“I…” he started. He couldn’t remember. The words just… weren’t there.

“Mr. Sugawara, you have a friend outside. A Mr. Satori Tendou? I heard him speaking Japanese. Would you like me to get him?”

_Tendou._ Tendou was here. He was here. Suga choked over a sob, nodding frantically. 

The woman disappeared, and was back in moments with Tendou in tow. Tendou practically ran to the side of the bed. 

“_Suga,”_ he said desperately, hesitating for only a moment before he reached out and grabbed Suga’s IV-free hand. 

Suga’s eyes blurred as he stared up at Tendou. His chest felt too tight--he couldn’t breathe. He tried to speak Tendou’s name, but what escaped him was a massive, hiccuping sob. It wracked his whole body, and he held onto Tendou’s hand as tightly as he could. He shuddered under the force of his sobs as tears streaked freely over his cheeks. 

Tendou was _here._ Suga didn’t know _how, _or why, or what he’d done to deserve it, but--he was here. He was murmuring comforting words in Suga’s ear as his free hand brushed Suga’s hair back from his face. 

“It’s okay,” Tendou said. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Another great, ugly sob forced itself up Suga’s throat. “N-not okay,” he gasped. “‘M Sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated between sobs, his eyes screwing shut. 

“_Suga,”_ Tendou said, his hand gently cupping Suga’s cheek, turning it towards him. 

“I’m so sorry,” Suga said, his breath catching in his chest.

“Shh. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” Tendou leaned forward, pulling Suga into as much of an embrace as he could manage over the rail of the hospital bed. Suga wrapped his free arm around Tendou’s torso, his fingers clutching desperately in Tendou’s shirt. “I’m here. I’m here, it’s okay.”

Suga sucked in a deep, painful breath. He let it out slowly, burying his face in Tendou’s neck. He breathed in Tendou’s smell, sweat and musk and the faint hint of citrusy hair gel replacing the sickly hospital smell. Eventually his breathing evened out, and Tendou pulled back. Suga was reluctant to let go.

Tendou sat down in one of the chairs by Suga’s bed, and with his help Suga answered the nurse’s questions. She explained the impact of the overdose on his respiratory system, and that they would probably keep him another 48 hours or so for observation. 

Suga couldn’t help but pull a face at that. The hospital was… cold. Sterile. There was an oppressive loneliness to that stark, white room, and Suga wanted out as quickly as possible. He didn’t know how he’d stay sane in there once Tendou left. 

After checking his vitals and announcing with a gentle smile that Suga was recovering well, the nurse left them alone. 

“You’re here,” Suga said, looking over at Tendou.

“Of course I’m here,” Tendou said, scooting his chair closer so he could grab Suga’s hand again. 

Suga’s breath hitched, his eyes welling with ugly tears again. “I lied. I lied to you. I can’t--I’m so sorry, Tendou.”

“Suga, it’s okay--”

“It’s not okay. You’re so… You’re so good. I didn’t wanna pull you down with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Tendou said.

“There’s no study group. I haven’t been to class in like a month. I _lied._ I lied to you! You shouldn’t _be _here, I’m just gonna… I’m gonna…” he choked on a sob, but Tendou only squeezed his hand. 

“Suga…” he said. 

“Why are you still here?” Suga said, his voice weak and small. 

“Because I care about you. Because I was scared to death last night. I’m not going anywhere, Suga.”

Suga couldn’t argue anymore. He was so, so tired, and he wanted nothing more than for Tendou to stay. It was selfish and cruel, but he wanted it desperately. He held onto Tendou’s hand.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said. “Please, please don’t leave.” His voice caught, trembling dangerously.

“I won’t. I won’t, I promise. I’m not letting you out of my sight, okay?”

***

Tendou was true to his word. Suga succumbed quickly to the exhaustion weighing his body down, and was in and out of consciousness all night. Every time he woke, though, Tendou was there. 

Tendou paced at the foot of the hospital bed, anxious and attentive.

When Suga woke up with his throat parched and dry, Tendou was there with a glass of water before he could even vocalize what he needed.

In the middle of the night, when the lights were dimmed and the room was quiet, Tendou was there, his cheek squished where he'd fallen asleep with his head resting on the bar of the hospital bed. 

He had so many freckles. Suga had never really paid much attention to them before.

Suga didn’t remember any of his dreams that night. All he knew was that he would wake up sometimes with a start, his heart beating fast and sweat dripping on his forehead as something sick and dark curled in his chest. The memory of the dream wasn’t there, but the _feeling_ was. Tendou seemed to have a sixth sense for it, though. Even if he’d been sleeping himself, his hand would dart out to grab Suga’s, squeezing tight. When Tendou was more awake, he’d brush Suga’s sweat-damp hair from his forehead, whispering soft nothings until he fell back into a more peaceful slumber. 

By the time sunlight began streaking soft and pale through the window, Suga was having trouble getting back to sleep. He felt no more rested than the night before, but he’d been asleep for the better part of thirty-six hours, and his body seemed to be rejecting any further attempt at rest. 

Tendou was still asleep, curled up in the chair with his long legs tucked up towards his chest, one of them sticking out over the arm. His head lolled over the back of the chair, his mouth open ever so slightly. The dark circles under his eyes stood out under pale skin that looked almost translucent in the fluorescent lighting. 

Suga wondered if Tendou had slept at all during the time he’d spent unconscious. 

He swallowed, throat burning as guilt sat like a solid weight in his chest. Tendou shouldn’t have to put himself through this. Not for _him._ Even so, Suga was unspeakably glad he was there. He didn’t know what he would do in this place alone. 

He’d only been in the hospital once before. It had been in his first year. Appendicitis. He had been scared then, too, and in pain, but…

His mom had held his hand the whole way to the hospital--she’d barely left his side the whole time, really. His dad’s presence had been a calming counterpart to her fretting. His mom had been so worried, so preoccupied trying to foresee his every need, but his dad--his dad had just laid a gentle hand on his arm and told him it would be alright. And just like that, Suga had believed it.

He spent his recovery surrounded by flowers and gifts his friends and family had brought. Asahi and Daichi, despite the fact that they’d only been on the team together for a month or two at the time, had come to visit him. Daichi had brought a box of sweets, while Asahi had shyly clutched a bouquet of flowers. 

Suga’s eyes were wet. 

He wiped the tears away, glancing at Tendou to see if he was still asleep. Sure enough, he was still out, his mouth hanging open slightly, a trail of drool hanging from the corner. Suga wasn’t sure why he even worried about Tendou catching him crying. He had nothing to lose at this point, after all. This was it, wasn’t it? 

Rock bottom. 

He stared up at the ceiling tiles, the patterns blurring as his eyes filled once again with tears. A sudden, desperate loneliness clawed at his chest, ripping straight through him. He wanted his mom. He wanted his dad to shush his tears and tell him it was going to be okay. 

Next to him, Tendou shifted, making a soft noise in his throat. 

“Tendou?” Suga said, probably too softly to be heard. He didn’t really want to disturb him, but…

“Hn?” 

Tendou lifted his head, wincing as he did so. Probably a crick in his neck. He blinked a couple of times, owlishly, and then his eyes fixed on Suga. 

“Suga!” he said, shooting upright in his chair, leaning towards Suga’s bed. “Are you alright? Do you need anything? Shit, how long have you been awake? I’m sorry, I should have--”

Suga shook his head. “It’s okay. I’m fine, really. I…” He looked down, twisting his hands together over the blankets. “I just… didn’t want to be alone, I guess.”

“Of course,” Tendou said. “You sure you don’t need anything, though? Are you hungry? Thirsty?”

“I’ve still got water from earlier,” Suga said.

“Alright. Well, just… say the word. Anything you need, okay?”

Suga stared at the wall, chewing on his lip. That loneliness was still chewing at him, and he just needed… he _needed…_

“D’you think you could…” Suga trailed off, then scooted to the far side of the bed, laying a hand over the vacated space and looking up at Tendou. 

“Do you… am I allowed to?” Tendou asked, or wondered out loud, looking at the bed and then over towards the door, as if a doctor would come in that moment to tell them off. 

“Please. I need…”

“Okay, yeah,” Tendou said, lifting himself over the rail and lowering himself gingerly onto the bed, taking care not to jostle Suga too much.

“C’mon,” Suga said, “I’m not gonna break.”

“Sorry, sorry, I just…” Tendou trailed off, and the worry--the lingering traces of _fear_\--in his expression immediately quelled any irritation Suga felt at the gentle treatment. 

Tendou settled back against the pillow, and Suga laid his head carefully onto his chest, finding Tendou’s hand between them and interlacing their fingers. The warmth of the contact washed over him, and the despair clawing at him faded into something quieter. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, ‘m fine,” Suga said. “Just… a little homesick, I guess,” he added after a moment, sensing that Tendou wasn’t going to be satisfied with his initial answer. 

Tendou ran his fingers gently through Suga’s hair. The simple action was so soothing, yet Suga’s chest ached. “Me too,” Tendou said. “It’s only about a month until the end of the school year though. Are you going home for the summer?”

Shame burned sick and hot in Suga’s chest, limning the empty void inside him. He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t. His parents, Asahi, Daichi… he hadn’t talked to _anyone._ How was he supposed to face them?

“You should think about it,” Tendou said, his voice gentle. “I think it would be good for you.”

Suga didn’t answer.


	11. Chapter 11

There was a knock on the door, and a moment later it creaked open slowly and Semi poked his head in. Suga sat up a little. 

“Oh!” Satori said, looking over towards the door. “Heya, Semisemi. Didn’t expect you to come until later. I figured you’d be sleeping.”

“Yeah, I thought I would be,” Semi said. “But I crashed at like eight last night, so I woke up early and figured I’d go ahead and bring you your books and computer.”

Suga blinked, staring at the textbooks in Semi’s arms. 

“Wait, what day is it?,” he said suddenly, whipping his head back towards Satori.

“It’s Monday.”

“Monday? But…” Suga said, frowning.

“...Yes?”

“Why is he bringing all of that? Don’t you have class?”

Satori stared down at him, setting his lips in a firm line. 

“I can email my professors,” he said. “I’m not leaving.”

“But--”

“_I’m not leaving you!”_ Satori said, realizing belatedly that his tone was suddenly far more intense than the conversation called for. Suga froze, staring up at him. 

Satori’s lips were a thin line, but he knew his eyes were wide. Suga’s stubborn expression faded into something softer, and he swallowed thickly, looking away. Satori watched the guilt flash over his features, and he ran his fingers soothingly over Suga’s arm. 

“Thank you,” Suga said, too quietly for Semi to hear. Satori’s arm tightened around him, and Semi averted his eyes, obviously trying to give them a moment. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Satori said softly, leaning his cheek against the top of Suga’s head. He wished Suga would get it through his thick skull that Satori _wanted_ to help. That he… that he cared for him. 

“Do you need anything else, Tendou?” Semi asked, putting the pile of books and a backpack down on the small table by Satori’s chair. “Because if not, I think I’m gonna go try to get a nap in before my first class.”

“You got my charger?” Satori asked.

“Yeah, in the bag.”

“Kay. Thanks, Eita.”

“No problem. Let me know if you need anything else, yeah? Just… ideally _not_ in the next couple of hours. I need more sleep if I’m gonna be functioning today,” Semi said with a wry smile.

Satori laughed. “I think we’re good. Go get some sleep, Semisemi.”

With a wave, Semi turned and left. As soon as he was gone, Suga relaxed against Satori, pressing his face against his arm. 

“Are you sure it’s okay for you to miss class?” he said, guilt obviously chewing at him. 

“I’d be here even if it wasn’t,” Satori replied.

“Tendou…” Suga started, obviously not reassured, “if anything happened because of me… if you missed something important, or--”

“It’s okay. I promise. I’m going to email my professors, and I’m sure they’ll understand. I have study groups for my classes I can borrow notes from, too. I’ve got it covered, Suga. But… this is where I need to be right now.”

Suga nodded slowly. “I just… I’m so scared. I’m so worried I’m just gonna pull you down with me. But at the same time, I couldn’t stand it if you left,” he said, the words escaping him in a rush. “I’m sorry. It’s so selfish, I know, but…”

“Suga,” Satori said gently, “it’s not selfish to need help sometimes.”

Suga frowned, and Satori would have shaken him if he weren’t literally lying in a hospital bed. 

“_I care about you, Suga,”_ Satori said. “Please, just… just let me. I’m here because I want to be. Because I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else right now. You aren’t being selfish. You’re only human, Suga.”

Suga’s breath hitched, and he pressed himself further against Satori, squirming his way under Satori’s arm and wrapping himself around his waist. 

“Thank you,” he said. Satori wrapped an arm around his shoulders, holding him close, and Suga let out a deep, shuddering breath. “I feel like garbage,” he said after a moment. 

Satori’s arm tightened around him. “I wish I could make it better,” he said. 

“You are,” Suga replied. “You’re here.”

“You know what I mean.”

Suga sighed. “I put myself here. You shouldn’t have to fix it for me.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to,” Satori said. 

Suga let the conversation lapse into silence, and after a moment Satori reached for the bag Eita had dropped off, pulling out his computer. 

“Gonna go ahead and email my professors so I don’t have to worry about it,” he explained, booting it up and pulling up his email. Suga waited quietly while he did, listening to the steady clack of keys. After a while it stopped, and Satori clicked out of his email. 

“Can we go home yet?” Suga whined. Satori let out a soft laugh, but he couldn’t blame him. The sterile bleach smell of the hospital, the stark white walls, the constant beeping… it wasn’t exactly a pleasant environment. 

“Sorry,” Satori said, not bothering to answer his question. Both of them knew the answer anyway. “Wanna watch something? Try to make the time go by quicker, at least?”

Suga replied with a noncommittal hum, but Satori pulled up Netflix anyway, figuring it’d be good to at least try to get Suga’s mind off things. He scrolled through different options for a while, Suga offering half-hearted input every once in a while. Eventually he settled on a Japanese drama--one good enough to be entertaining, but bad enough to be mindless and easy to watch. He figured a taste of home might be good, too, considering Suga had admitted to feeling homesick. Not to mention he didn’t think either of them wanted to have to bother with subtitles right then. 

He’d just been starting to think Suga was drifting off to sleep when he heard it. Barely there--just the slightest wet sniffle. It was so soft he almost thought he’d imagined it, but when he remained quiet he heard it again. Suga’s face was turned away, so he couldn’t see, but--it sounded like he was crying.

“Suga?” he asked softly. 

Suga sniffed, louder this time, scrubbing his face with the corner of the scratchy hospital blanket. “‘M okay,” he said, but his voice was uneven and rough. 

“Suga…” Satori said, hesitant. “It’s okay, you know, if you’re not. Just… if you wanted to talk about it, I’ll always be willing to listen.”

Suga was quiet, but Satori hadn’t expected much different. He knew it was a longshot.

But then--

“_I want to go home.”_

Suga’s voice was wet, hitching over the last word. A broken sob escaped him, and Satori clutched him to his chest, holding him close. 

“I know,” Satori said. “I know. It’s only one more night, though--”

“No,” Suga said. “I want to go _home.”_

Oh. _Home. _

“O-okay,” Satori said. “Well, term’s over soon, right? I’m flying out the 9th, I think. You could--”

“I _can’t_,” Suga sobbed, his fingers clutching Satori’s shirt. “I can’t.”

“Suga…” Satori said, unsure what to say, how to respond. “If you want to go home, what’s stopping you?”

That, apparently, was the _wrong_ thing to say. Suga’s sobs grew almost hysterical, his knuckles going white where he gripped Satori’s shirt. Satori panicked, shushing him while he ran his hand gently over his back. 

“I can’t--I can’t--I haven’t…” Suga stammered between sobs that wracked his slight frame. 

Satori continued to shush him gently, holding him until his tears abated enough for him to speak. 

“I haven’t…” he trailed off, shuddering and screwing his eyes shut. “I haven’t talked to them. Anyone. Not Asahi or Daichi, not my parents…”

“Suga… I’m sure they’ll understand. They care about you.”

Suga reached over, grabbing his phone off the table by the bedside. He pulled up a message and then held it out for Satori to read: _You know what? Good. At least now I can stop worrying and write you off for good. Have a nice life. Or don’t. See if I give a shit._

“That’s the last thing Daichi sent me,” Suga said. 

Satori swallowed thickly. He’d pieced a bit of the picture together, from what Wakatoshi had told him of his run-in with Sawamura and Azumane, but… he hadn’t realized quite how bad things were between them.

“How… how long?” he asked. He left his wording vague, but Suga seemed to know exactly what he meant. 

“Almost a year and a half,” Suga said, his voice flat. “I think the last time I messaged them back was November… year before last.”

That was… that had to be only a few months after Suga started school here. Satori didn’t know what to say. He felt a pang of sympathy for Sawamura and Azumane, but at the same time… he couldn’t imagine what had to be going on in Suga’s head, to make him think he couldn’t message them. 

He took a deep breath, trying to think. 

“What about your parents?” he asked. 

“More recently,” Suga said. “I talked to them over the summer, a bit into fall semester.” He turned away, avoiding Satori’s eyes. 

Satori stared up at the ceiling, slowly processing and trying to form a plan. He was grateful for his foresight that led to a new number saved in his phone, just in case. 

“Okay,” Satori said softly, trying to keep his tone gentle and non-judgmental. It was obvious Suga was already berating himself enough. “Let me just ask you one thing: are you serious? About wanting to go home. Because if you are, I can make it happen. Like I said, I’m flying out on the 9th, right after my exams wrap up. You don’t have to go _home_ home right away, if you don’t want to--you could stay with me. But… you have to make that decision.”

Suga was quiet for a long moment, and then he nodded slowly. “I can’t… I can’t do it anymore, Tendou. I hate it. I’m just so _tired._ I’m tired of trying so hard. I just want to go home.”

Satori smiled softly, pulling Suga against his chest. “Okay. I… I might have been looking into it already, and you can probably get a medical withdrawal from school. Looks better on record, if you decide to reapply somewhere at home.”

“Okay,” Suga said. “Yeah.”

“You don’t have to worry about it right now, yeah? I’ll help you. Right now, just try to relax.”

Suga let out a breath, relaxing against Satori’s chest and closing his eyes. “Thank you,” he said, his breath hitching again. 

“Of course,” Satori said. “Listen, I should probably call my sister and my parents and give them an update, and probably let them know you might be staying over. But… you should think about calling your parents.” Suga tensed again, and Satori ran a hand over his back. “I’m not saying you have to--just… think about it, okay?”

Suga nodded, and Satori carefully pushed himself up, climbing out of the bed. “I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

“‘Kay,” Suga said, and with one last look over his shoulder, Satori reluctantly left him. He almost couldn’t bear to take his eyes off him right now, but… the phone call he needed to make was one he couldn’t risk Suga overhearing. Not right now. 

***

Once he was outside, Satori sat down on a bench, pulling out his phone. He swallowed thickly, his throat tight as he stared at the newly added contact in his phone. This was… not going to be an easy conversation to have. 

He knew it needed to happen, though.

He pressed the call button. After a few rings, they answered.

“Hello?” 

“Azumane-san?”

“Yes,” Azumane said tentatively. “Who is this?”

“It’s Tendou Satori.”

Satori could hear Azumane let out a breath. “Ushijima said you wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah. It’s… it’s about Suga.”

There was silence on the other end of the line. Satori was about to say something when--

“What about him?”

Azumane’s voice was low and carefully controlled, but there was a definite undercurrent of anger there.

“Just hear me out, okay?” Satori said. “I know he hasn’t talked to you, or Sawamura-san, or… anyone. But he’s in a really bad place right now, and he’s going to need your help.”

“Why isn’t _he _talking to me, then?” 

Satori huffed out a dry, humorless laugh; “Man, you don’t pull punches, do you? Weren’t you supposed to be the sweet one?” 

“Suga used up his allotment of sweetness when he went over a year without talking to us,” Azumane said firmly through gritted teeth. “So I’m not in a particular mood to pull my punches right now. Why are _you_ making a call that he should have made months ago? A goddamn _year_ ago?”

“Because he won’t do it. He knows… he knows how badly he messed up,” Satori said, struggling to find the words to explain.

Azumane cut him off; “Look, Tendou-san, was it? I don’t need to be reminded of what Suga did. I know, and in my opinion, he made his priorities pretty clear. So just tell me what you need me for.” 

“Suga overdosed. Two nights ago.”

There was a hiss and a long pause. When Azumane spoke again, there was a catch in his voice; “What? Is he okay? Where is he? Does he need anything? What happened?”

“He’s okay. Or… he’s alive, anyway, and recovering well. He’s still in the hospital, but he’s supposed to be discharged tomorrow. I just stepped out to call you.” Satori said, rushing to answer the sudden slew of questions. “I don’t… I’m not sure what happened. Suga doesn’t remember much, and his good for nothing roommate vanished ages ago, so I don’t have anyone else to ask. I don’t think it was… _on purpose, _but… like I said, he’s in a really bad place. I think he has been for a while.”

Azumane huffed a shaky breath, and Satori could practically hear him rake his hands through his hair, before he said in the smallest voice, “What _happened_?”

It was a big question, and Satori had no idea how to begin to explain everything that had happened, even the pieced-together version of events he knew. How to explain the heartbreaking difference between the person Satori had met from the opposite side of a volleyball net in high school, and the one who he’d just left, lying in a hospital bed upstairs?

“Where do you want me to start?” 

“What do you mean by ‘bad place?’” Azumane asked. There were audible tears in his voice. “Suga wasn’t exactly steady, but he was always so… so good. And bright. The Suga I know wouldn’t… he would never… he wouldn’t do any of this. He wouldn’t overdose; he doesn’t even use painkillers, so just… _what happened?_”

Satori took a deep breath. “I don’t know so much about last year. He never really goes into specifics, but I think it was just… too much. Keeping up with school, the language barrier, being away from home… I mean, it is. It’s _really_ hard. And I’m just on an exchange, so there’s a support system in place for me, but I don’t know if Suga had that. He said it was easier--the parties, and the drinking, and… and all of it. He didn’t have to think so much. Azumane-san, he’s… he’s not the person you remember. Not right now. I didn’t know him, before, but even I could see it.”

There was a _long_ pause. So long, Satori feared the call had been dropped, or worse Azumane hung up on him. But a deep sigh reassured him before Azumane said, “OK. What do you need from me?” 

“Suga agreed to come home. When I do.”

“He’s coming home? He left school? When… when?” There was a dangerously hopeful note in Azumane’s voice. 

The honesty of it broke Satori’s heart a little bit. Azumane (and, he knew, Sawamura) had been so hurt by their friend’s absence. He tried to think about what it would have been like if the same thing had happened to him… if Wakatoshi or Eita had moved thousands of miles away and disappeared from the face of the Earth, stopped replying to his texts... Would Satori be able to forgive them?

“He’s going to file for a medical withdrawal from school once he’s discharged from here--or as soon as he can handle it, anyway--but I’m gonna try to get him on my flight so we can fly home at the same time, once my semester ends, hopefully. I don’t… I don’t want him to have to go alone.”

“No, no, that makes sense,” Azumane said, his voice carefully controlled. “Okay, when does the semester end? I never can tell with American schools.”

“My last final is May 8th. We fly out the next day. We should be in Tokyo early afternoonish on the 10th, your time.”

“So that’s a… Thursday? That works,” Azumane murmured. Satori could vaguely hear the sound of a pen scratching across paper. “Is he staying with you? Or us? Or is he going home to his parents? Oh, we should make sure to shop beforehand… even if he isn’t staying with us… and we should talk to Sugawara-san. She’s been worried. And--” 

“Azumane-san, please breathe,” Satori interrupted Azumane’s ridiculous tirade. So _this_ was the giant nannerpuss Suga had told him about. “And… I’m going to leave it up to him, but… I want him to stay with me. I… I can’t stand the thought of leaving him right now.”

“I’m glad he found someone that actually cares about him out there,” Azumane said. “Text me your flight information when you get it. I’ll be there to pick you guys up and help with whatever you need.”

Satori swallowed hard, noting the exclusion; “And… Sawamura-san?” 

Azumane sighed deeply; “I’ll talk to him, but I can’t make promises. Daichi was devastated when Suga disappeared, and he was so mad. He’d kill me if he found out I told you this, but he didn’t take it well when Ushijima-san told us about you and Suga. I’ve never seen Daichi melt down in public like that. Ever.”

“Does… does Sawamura have a problem with me?” 

“Oh, no--sorry, that sounded bad. He just… look at it from his point of view,” Azumane said. “Suga starts avoiding us, blaming school work and studies and exams. Then he disappears completely. He missed New Years. He missed Daichi’s birthday, my birthday… we were so worried. We thought something had happened to him. And the next thing we hear is that he’s hooking up with someone from home. It has nothing to do with you, personally… I just think Daichi has a lot of conflicting emotions about Suga right now that he doesn’t know how to deal with.” 

“No, that… that makes sense. You were right to be worried, though. Azumane-san…” Satori trailed off, running his fingers through his hair. “What I’ve told you… that’s the tip of the iceberg. It’s…”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Satori said, his voice hitching.

“You care a lot about him,” Azumane said. It wasn’t a question. “I’m glad. I’m glad he found you… Tendou-san, if it’s as bad as you say, then you saved his life. You saved my best friend’s life. We can’t thank you enough.”

Satori’s breath hitched over a sob. He knew Azumane was right. If he hadn’t run into Suga that night, if he’d never found him… he didn’t want to think about what might have happened. 

“There’s still… he’s not there yet,” Satori said. “He’s gonna need more than just me.”

“I’ll be there. And if it’s within my power, so will Daichi,” Azumane said. “Just… bring him home.”

Satori sniffed, wiping tears from his eyes. “Yeah. Thank you, Azumane.”

“Call me ‘Asahi.’”

“Asahi. Thank you so much. And please, call me ‘Satori’ too.”

“Thank _you… _Satori. Keep me updated, okay?”

“I will,” Satori said, taking a shaky breath. 

“Alright.”

“Bye, Asahi.”

“Bye.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was no chapter last week because I was busy with Christmas and stuff, but we should hopefully be on schedule from here on out! I am very nearly done writing--just a few chapters left. (Watch me jinx myself and get blocked now that I've said that lmao)

Suga mulled over Tendou’s words. He knew, on a rational level, that he was right. Putting this off would only make it worse. His phone was heavy in his hands, though. His heart beat erratically and too-fast in his chest as he thought about dialing. He felt nauseous, but at the same time… he remembered being fourteen and scared, his mom gently stroking his hair as he lay in a different hospital bed, tired and woozy from the anaesthesia wearing off. 

The wave of fierce homesickness that swept over him won out over the anxiety. He was tired, and he didn’t feel good and he was scared and _he wanted his mom._

He pressed dial before he could change his mind, holding a hand over his mouth as he listened to the dial tone. 

“Koushi? Oh my god, Koushi, is that you?”

His breath hitched, and fresh tears spilled over his cheeks as he let out a low sob. 

“Kaa-san,” he said, his voice wobbly and small. 

“Koushi? Koushi, honey, what’s wrong?”

He sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh. Don’t cry. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay. I’m just…” It sounded like she was crying too, now. “I’m just so glad to hear from you.”

He sniffled. “It’s… it’s not okay, though, kaa-san. I… I messed up. I messed everything up, I--” he broke off, panic clutching at him as the enormity of it all pressed in on him.

“Hey,” she said softly. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay. I love you no matter what, you know that right? No matter what’s happened, we’ll figure it out.”

Suga took a deep breath. “I… I can’t do it anymore. I… I wanna come home.”

“Of course, honey. We’ll work this out, okay? You know we just want what’s best for you.”

She was being so nice, so understanding, even though he hadn’t talked to them in _months._ It ate at him, and he knew he should tell her the truth. 

“Kaa-san… there’s something else I need to tell you.”

“What is it?” 

“I… I’m in the hospital. I’m okay, or I will be. I… I overdosed.”

He heard her sharp intake of breath, and felt a pang of guilt. He was making everyone worry so much. If he hadn’t already made up his mind to go home, this would have done it. 

“_Overdosed?_ How? Are you okay? Is there someone with you?”

“I wasn’t… it wasn’t on purpose, I promise. I just…” He took a deep breath. “I’m not even sure what I took. The doctors mentioned it, but it was a lot to take in. They did say it was… the alcohol in my system made it worse. Fuck. I’m so sorry, kaa-san.”

“We can talk about that later. Just… are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m… I mean, I’m going to be okay. Oh and, yeah, there’s… I actually ran into someone from home a while back. One of my old volleyball opponents. He’s here. Well, he went outside to make a phone call. But he’s been here since it happened.”

“I’m so glad. Do you need me to come, sweetie? I can be on the first flight, if you want me to.”

“I…” Suga hesitated. As much as he _wanted_ her right now, he didn’t want his mom to see him like this. “I’ll be okay. I’ll be discharged tomorrow. Then I think I’m going to withdraw from school. Tendou’s gonna help me. And the tickets are so expensive.”

“Are you sure? We can swing it, if you need me.”

“No. I’ll be home soon enough,” he said. Truth be told, as much of a relief as it was to talk to her, part of him--a large part of him--was still scared to face his parents.

“If you change your mind--”

“I know,” he said. “I’ll tell you.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay, but Koushi… I don’t want you to be alone. If you trust this Tendou-kun, will you stay with him? Until you come home. It would make me feel better. And send me his phone number, okay?”

Under ordinary circumstances, he’d complain about his mom fretting and being overprotective. Now though… he’d shown just how well he could manage on his own. 

“To be honest, I don’t think Tendou will have it any other way,” Suga said. “He worries almost as much as you do.”

“He sounds like a good boy,” his mom said. “I look forward to meeting him. Oh, and… tell him thank you from me. For being there for my baby.”

“Will do, kaa-san. And I’ll send you his number so you can keep tabs on me.”

“Good,” she said firmly. “How are you feeling, sweetheart? You sound tired.”

“I am,” Suga said. “I’ve been up since… I dunno, five. Couldn’t get back to sleep.”

“Do you want me to let you go? So you can rest?”

As tired as he was, he hesitated. “I… I dunno,” he said, his voice wavering slightly. 

Naturally, his mom zeroed in on that easily. “Oh, love. It’s gonna be okay.”

His breath hitched, and he squeezed his eyes shut as more tears threatened to come. “I… I miss you. _I just wanna go home.”_

“Oh, baby. I’ll be here. We’re gonna have… a lot to talk about. But you can _always_ come home. I will always be here for you, no matter what. You got that?”

He sniffed wetly, nodding before he spoke. “Yeah. I love you, kaasan. ‘M sorry… about everything.”

“Don’t worry about it right now, okay? Why don’t you try and get some sleep? You can call me back if you need me. I’ll be right here. Even if I’m asleep, don’t worry about it. I’ll put my volume up so I’ll hear it.”

“Yeah, okay,” he said after a moment, the enormity of the relief he felt at being able to talk to her letting him relax, bringing a new wave of exhaustion in its wake. 

“I love you so much, Koushi. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” she said pointedly. 

“Yeah. You will, I promise.”

“Sleep well, baby.”

“Bye, kaasan.”

His eyes were closed before the call even ended, and his arm fell to the side, still clutching his phone. He drifted, sleep taking him readily.

***

As he predicted, when he was discharged the next day Tendou asked if he’d come stay with him. Well, maybe ‘asked’ wasn’t the right word. It may have been phrased as a request, but Suga knew it wasn’t one. Especially when Tendou brought up Shane, his face twisting in disdain and anger. 

“This isn’t his fault,” Suga said.

Tendou scowled, but didn’t say anything, looking away instead. 

“I’m serious. He’s not a bad guy. Not the best influence, maybe, but--”

“He _laughed!” _Tendou spat, interrupting him. “He--you were lying in a hospital bed, and--and I didn’t know if you were gonna fucking wake up, and he _laughed_ when I said I thought you were sober. And then he fucked off god knows where. So I--I don’t care what you think on this. I don’t want you near him. I’ll go with you to get your things, and then--please, _please_ come stay with me.”

Suga was shocked silent by the outburst. No matter how many times Tendou made it clear how much he cared about him, Suga was always taken aback by it. He just didn’t understand _why._ There was no way he could say no to him, though. Especially not when he’d promised his mom, too.

“Do you even have a place for me to sleep?” he asked.

“We--I mean, we have a little sofa. But it’s kind of shit. I was thinking… you could just share with me. But if you don’t want to, I’ll take the sofa! Don’t worry about it, we’ll work it out. I just… please, Suga. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep at all otherwise.”

The feeling of needing to be supervised rankled, but Suga knew that his mom and Tendou were right. “I’m sorry,” he said, letting out a deep sigh. “I didn’t mean to argue. I was gonna ask to stay with you anyway. I, uh. I promised my mom I would.”

He could see the tension seep from Tendou’s shoulders, and he felt bad for putting it there, even unintentionally. 

“Okay. Okay, good. Do you wanna go get your stuff now, then?” Tendou asked. They’d just stepped outside, and Tendou was steering him towards a waiting cab. Of course he’d thought of that, too. What the fuck would he have done without Tendou here? He sighed softly; he didn’t want to think about it. The gratitude settled uncomfortably over his shoulders. He wasn’t used to being indebted to people like this. He didn’t know how he’d begin to make it up to him.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Suga said. Shane probably wouldn’t be in right now; he had a feeling he didn’t want to see the two of them in the same room. “And, Tendou? I just… want to say thank you. For--for _all_ of this. I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you, but I promise--”

“You don’t have to,” Tendou said gently. “Now c’mon.” He opened the door of the cab, gesturing for Suga to get in. 

The cab ride was mostly quiet; Suga was still exhausted, down to his very bones. He leaned his head on the window, staring at the traffic. It wasn’t long before they got to his building, and Tendou got out first, rushing around to help him out of the cab. Suga would have argued, if not for the fact that he honestly probably needed the help. If he were any more worn out, Tendou would’ve had to carry him. 

Once upstairs, he gathered his stuff as quickly as he could--which was to say, not all that quickly, really. He was just aware of Tendou waiting for him, and of how much time out of his life Tendou had already taken to stay with him in the hospital. And towards the end of the year, too, with final projects and papers and preparation for exams…

“Okay,” he said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and grabbing the other bag he’d thrown some toiletries in. “That should be everything, at least for now.”

Tendou insisted on carrying the backpack for him, and they made it back out to the cab--Tendou had asked it to wait--and were on their way to Tendou’s dorm. The lounge area as they walked in was full of people with books and papers and computers spread out around them, and Suga kept his gaze downcast, feeling like an intruder. A fraud. He was supposed to be one of them, and here he was. Washed up and burnt out. 

“C’mon,” Tendou said, steering him with a gentle hand on the small of his back. “Eita’s probably in class right now, so we can get you settled.”

“How… how much does he know?” Suga asked.

Tendou pursed his lips. “Not… not _everything,_ but... I mean, he came and stayed that first night in the hospital with me. He knows enough.”

Suga nodded. “You two are really close, huh?” he said, surreptitiously pressing his hand over his chest as the familiar pang of guilt over his treatment of Asahi and Daichi flared up. 

“He’s my best friend,” Tendou said simply. “Well, him and Wakatoshi-kun. But Eita and I are at the same school back home. Waka-kun’s in Tokyo playing volleyball for a powerhouse team, because of course he is.”

“I don’t envy anyone playing against a team with him _and_ Noya on it,” Suga said.

“Tell me about it,” Tendou replied. “_And_ they have Oikawa-kun from Seijoh.”

“What the hell,” Suga said. “Shouldn’t there be some kind of rule against that? I wonder… I wonder if Asahi and Daichi have had to play against them.” His voice went soft, the familiar pang of guilt making itself known in its chest. Tendou’s hand landed gently on his shoulder, a soft and reassuring gesture. 

When they made it upstairs, Tendou quietly let them into the room, setting Suga’s backpack down by his desk. 

“Well,” Tendou said. “Home sweet dorm. So, uh. You know where the bed is. Fridge is under Eita’s bed. There’s a microwave in the kitchen down the hall, I can show you later. We have a kettle, though--it’s on my desk. So, uh, yeah. Make yourself at home. _Mi casa es tu casa _and all that.” Tendou scratched the back of his neck, looking about as awkward as Suga felt. 

Suga stared down at the floor, biting down on his lip hard enough to bleed. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, barely loud enough to hear.

“For what?” 

“For--for _everything!” _Suga cried, barely resisting the urge to pull his own hair out. “This--fuck. You didn’t ask for this! This is my fucking problem and now you--you--”

Before he could blink, Tendou’s long arms were wrapped around him, his face pressed into Tendou’s chest. For as skinny as he was, Tendou was deceptively strong, and he had Suga in a rib-creaking hug. 

“Even if it is your problem,” Tendou said after a long moment, his breath ruffling Suga’s hair as he spoke, “that doesn’t mean you have to bear it alone. I won’t say it’s no trouble--but, Suga… you’re worth the trouble, okay?”

_I’m not._

He didn’t voice the words, because he knew what Tendou’s reaction would be, but it was the truth. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve Tendou… but he didn’t have it in him to push him away any longer. 

“Thank you,” he said instead, leaning heavily on Tendou. God, all he’d done was pack a bag and ride in a fucking cab and he was wiped. 

“You wanna lie down for a bit?” Tendou said, as if reading his mind. “I should really catch up on school stuff. Eita will be back later tonight, and maybe we can order some takeout, yeah?”

Suga nodded. “Sounds good,” he said. “Will, uh. Will Semi-san mind if I sleep in my underwear or are you guys pajama people?”

Tendou snorted. “Go for it. I’m pretty sure the only reason Semisemi wears _anything_ to bed is out of consideration for my delicate sensibilities,” Tendou said, cocking an eyebrow. 

Suga laughed softly, shucking his jeans and climbing into Tendou’s bed. The pillow smelled like his shampoo and citrusy hair products, and Suga just barely resisted the urge to bury his nose in it. How had that smell become like home to him? All he had to do was breathe in and he felt comforted.

“Sweet dreams,” Tendou said, smiling as he went to sit down at his desk. 

“I doubt it, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Suga said. 

“All the more reason to wish it for you.”

“... Thanks.”

Suga tugged the blankets up over himself, curling up facing the wall. He fell asleep to the soft rustling of paper and the quiet clicking of Tendou’s keyboard. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update, because I'm leaving to go camping tomorrow and would probably forget otherwise. 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: panic attack, very mild self-harm.

He was so groggy, he didn’t know what could have woken him. He was barely awake enough to register the heavy feeling in his limbs and eyelids. His body didn’t quite feel real. He was certain he’d pass back out again in seconds until something behind him shifted and a warm weight was pressed against his back. A moving, breathing weight.

The haze of sleep lifted enough for him to realize they were pressed all the way against his back, one arm thrown over his middle--and to feel the unmistakable press of something hard and hot nestled against the cleft of his ass.

His brain was suddenly awake. His body still felt like a sack of bricks, but it was like his mind was on overdrive, because--

He didn’t know who they were. He didn’t know where he was--his eyes felt like they were glued shut, but from the feeling of the mattress, and the way the light hit his eyelids, it wasn’t his apartment. 

They shifted closer, and his skin crawled. Bile rose in his throat, and he blinked his eyes open finally, but his surroundings still seemed foreign. The only clear thought in his head was _get away._ He threw himself forward, but his limbs were clumsy with sleep and he fell onto the floor, catching himself on hands and knees and scrambling further away. He felt sick. They were still up there on the bed, but he could _feel_ their touch. Hands crawling up his arms, breath hot on his neck as they pressed against him, pushed him into the floor and--

“Suga?”

The voice was soft, hesitant. Almost… scared. Suga looked up. Wide eyes. Red hair. Anime posters on the wall.

Tendou. Tendou’s room. 

It was only Tendou. But--

But Suga could still feel phantom hands on his skin. His breath came in unsteady gasps, his fingernails digging into his arms where they were crossed over his torso. Maybe he could just dig them deeper--just keep scraping, until he couldn’t feel _them_ anymore.

“Breathe, Suga.”

Tendou had crawled onto the floor as well, but he stayed several feet away. His eyes were still wide as saucers, his brow knit with concern. “You’re okay. C’mon, Suga. Breathe with me.” Tendou sucked in an exaggerated breath, slowly blowing it out through his nose. 

Suga tried to mimic it, pulling in a shuddering, gasping breath. His head swam, and his vision blurred with tears. 

“Can’t--” he gasped, his whole body shaking. He didn’t know how to stop. 

He was in Tendou’s room. It was just Tendou. He knew Tendou. Tendou wouldn’t hurt him. 

On a rational level, he knew all this. But it was like his body wouldn’t get the memo. He was shaking like a leaf, sick with the combination of panic-induced adrenaline and anxiety. 

“I’m--I’m sorry,” he said between shaking breaths. “I don’t know what--I can’t--”

“It’s okay,” Tendou said, and his voice eased the vise around Suga’s chest by a notch.

“Keep talking. Please,” Suga said. “Helps.”

“Okay, yeah,” Tendou said, swallowing thickly. “I--I don’t know what happened, but you’re safe, okay? I’m right here, and everything’s gonna be okay. Whatever it is--I’m here for you, whatever you need. I just need you to breathe right now, okay? Just… easy does it, okay?”

Tendou kept spouting whatever nonsense came to his mouth, but his voice gave Suga something to focus on. Bit by bit, he was able to get control of his breathing, following the rhythm Tendou set for him until the panic had loosened its grip enough for him to relax, letting his arms fall to his sides. There were deep gouges where his nails had dug into his arms, a few of them bleeding. He let out a slow breath, running his fingers through his hair. He still felt queasy and shaky with the remnants of the anxiety, but he could breathe, and the rational part of his brain could wrest back control. 

“Sorry,” he said with a grimace, glancing at the clock to see that it was barely six in the morning. 

“Don’t apologize,” Tendou said softly. “Do you… do you wanna talk about it, or…?”

Suga heaved a deep sigh. “I… I just. Woke up and you were… well. It’s not your fault, I just--I was groggy and I didn’t know it was you, and I didn’t know where I was, and I…”

Tendou looked stricken, his eyes wide. “I… oh my god. I’m so sorry. I just--I’m clingy when I sleep, and I should have--I should have thought of this. Fuck, I can--I’ll take the sofa, you don’t have to--”

“Tendou,” Suga interrupted, shifting closer to him, “stop. It’s not your fault. I didn’t know it was you, okay? I… I don’t mind. If it’s you. I think just since I’ve only been here a few days, I was disoriented. It’s really not your fault, okay?”

Tendou seemed to relax a bit, but his brows were still knit with worry. “I… still. I think I’m gonna take the couch. At least for a few days. Until you get more situated, okay?”

Suga sucked in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”

Tendou smiled sadly. “Can I… make you a cup of tea or something?” he asked.

Suga was still sticky with panic-induced sweat, and wasn’t sure if hot tea was the thing. It was clear Tendou was trying so hard to be helpful, though. 

“Maybe just some cold water?” Suga said.

“Of course.” Tendou sprang to his feet, pulling the pitcher out of the fridge and pouring Suga a big glass full. 

“Thanks,” Suga said, taking it from him. He took a long sip, sighing as he felt the cool liquid slip down his throat. “You should go back to sleep. It’s so fucking early.”

Tendou shook his head, which was just about what Suga expected. “Nah, it’s alright. I’ll stay up with you.”

Suga gave a small, bemused smile. “Y’re bedhead’s cute,” he said. It looked like Tendou hadn’t washed all the product out of his hair the night before, because it was really sticking out every which way. He giggled as Tendou flushed and immediately reached up to try to tame it, but only succeeded in making it wilder. 

“Not all of us can _hashtag wake up like this_,” Tendou said, pouting and sticking his tongue out at him. 

“Oh come on, I probably look like death warmed over right now.”

“Really attractive death,” Tendou said. “Like, a vampire or something. Or Nicholas Hoult in _Warm Bodies.”_

Suga snorted. “Wow, you sure know how to make a guy feel good.”

Tendou giggled. “Got you to smile, didn’t I?”

Suga’s breath caught in his throat, and he had to look away. “Yeah, I guess you did.”

***

True to his word, Tendou grabbed a pillow and blanket and curled himself up on the tiny sofa that night. One of his legs was flung awkwardly over the back to allow him to fit. It didn’t look remotely comfortable, but Suga tried his best not to dwell on the guilt. He knew there would be no arguing with Tendou.

Tendou’s bed felt weird without Tendou in it, though. Suga flipped over, trying to get comfortable, but he couldn’t relax. He closed his eyes, but he felt restless, almost anxious. 

Ugh, what was wrong with him? Had a panic attack because Tendou was in the bed with him less than 24 hours before, but now couldn’t get to sleep without Tendou next to him. 

He flipped onto his back, staring at the ceiling.

“_Tendou?”_ he whispered, trying not to wake Semi. It was possible Tendou was asleep, too. Guilt turned his stomach, but apparently he couldn’t fucking sleep without him. 

There was a soft rustling, and Suga looked over to see Tendou sitting up. 

“Suga?” he said, swinging his long legs onto the floor and crossing over to the bed. “You okay?” 

Even in the dark, Suga could see Tendou’s brow crease with worry. 

“Yeah, I just… can’t sleep.”

“Okay,” Tendou said. “Um, I can… make you some herbal tea? I have some my mom used to always make for me when I was little--”

“That’s okay,” Suga said. “Can you just…” He scooted over, lifting the blankets and looking up hopefully at Tendou. 

“Suga…” 

“Please,” Suga said softly. Tendou still looked conflicted, but he could see his shoulders sag as he nodded, climbing into the small bed. He kept to the very edge, as if trying not to invade Suga’s space.

Suga, though… he needed him closer. Needed to feel his warmth next to him. He inched closer, gently laying his head in the crook of Tendou’s shoulder, wrapping one arm around his slender waist. 

“Is… is this okay?” he asked. 

“Y-yeah,” Tendou said, but Suga could feel how stiff he was. 

“‘M sorry. I know I must’ve scared you this morning, but I just… I couldn’t fuckin’ sleep with you over there. I just...” he trailed off, unable--or perhaps just scared--to articulate just how much he needed him.

“Shh, don’t apologize. If you want me here, then that’s where I’ll be.”

Suga let out a deep breath, and he felt Tendou relax against him, letting his arm slide over Suga’s back in a loose embrace. Something eased in Suga’s chest, and when he let his eyes slip shut this time, his eyelids felt heavy. 

The last thing he was aware of was the feeling of Tendou’s fingers carding ever so gently through his hair. 

***

The next morning he woke slowly, drifting gradually into consciousness. There was a solid, warm weight over his waist--but this time he remembered where he was, and _who_ he was with, and the contact filled him with warmth instead of dread.

He carefully rolled over so he was facing Tendou. Tendou let out a soft, almost disgruntled sound, but didn’t wake up. His cheek was smooshed against his hand, his hair a wild mess against the pillow. _Cute._ Suga’s chest filled with warmth at the sight, and he gave in to the urge to burrow closer into Tendou’s chest. Tendou’s arm tightened around his waist, clinging even in his sleep.

It was easy to let exhaustion claim him again. 

The next time he woke up, he could tell by the way the sun hit Tendou’s walls that it was much later. He must’ve been sleeping like a log, because Tendou had apparently managed to get out of the twin bed without waking him--the space beside him was cold. Suga arched his neck and found Tendou seated at his desk, scrolling the computer with a sleepy expression while he nursed a cup of tea. 

“Don’t you have class?” Suga asked. “Wh’time is it?”

“Eleven forty two,” Tendou said. “And nah, my ten a.m. was cancelled today ‘to give us time to work on our final papers’, so I’m free until this afternoon.”

Suga hummed. “So is that what you’re doing? Working on your paper?”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Tendou said, but he tilted his computer screen so Suga could plainly see his twitter feed. Suga snorted, rolling back over. Uncomfortable dorm mattress or no, he kind of didn’t want to get out of bed ever again. 

“How are you feeling?” Tendou asked, as eerily perceptive as ever. 

“Like shit,” Suga said. “I mean, less shit, but… still shit. I’m just so fucking _tired._ Sorry all I’ve done the past three days is hog your bed.”

“You need the sleep,” Tendou said, putting down his tea and crossing over to sit on the edge of the bed. 

Suga scrunched his face up, looking up at the infuriatingly soft expression on Tendou’s face. “Maybe. I’m such a fucking worthless _lump,_ though.”

A strange expression flashed across Tendou’s face, and then he reached out and flicked Suga _very forcefully_ in the forehead with one absurdly long finger.

“Ow! The fuck?”

“You’re not worthless,” Tendou said, his voice even but with a distinct undercurrent of something close to anger. “Your body is _healing._ Which means you need rest. And no matter what, you have inherent worth as a person.”

“Aw, Tendou, I didn’t know you cared,” Suga said sarcastically, blatantly dodging having to address the core of what Tendou was saying.

Tendou’s nostrils flared, his eyes flashing with anger--but he didn’t act on it. He stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before letting it out slowly through his nose. 

“You,” he said in a careful, steady voice, “are fucking infuriating sometimes. Look… I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, as many times as it takes. If you want me to stop… if you want me to leave you alone, I will. You’re an adult, and you’re under no obligation to stay here. Well, apart from the fact I think your mom might legitimately cut a bitch, and that bitch would be _me_. But like, you get what I’m saying. You have to _tell_ me, though. So just to make it easier, I’ll ask: do you want me to leave you alone?”

Suga had to look away somewhere in the middle of that spiel. Tendou made him feel so exposed, and it terrified him, but… he knew there was only one answer. 

“No,” he said in a low voice, still unable to meet Tendou’s eyes. _Please don’t leave me,_ he thought, squeezing his own eyes shut as if Tendou would be able to read the thought. 

“Then can you do me a favor?” Tendou asked, but didn’t wait for a reply before he continued. “Stop pushing me away. Believe it or not, I fucking care for you. You’re not a burden, or a lump, or whatever. You’re my… friend. Who I’m helping out through a tough spot. Okay?”

Suga noticed the strange pause before Tendou said the word _friend,_ but he said nothing, just mentally filing it away. He let out a slow breath.

“Yeah, I hear you,” he said, giving Tendou a tentative smile. “I’ll try to be less emo and self-loathing and all that fun stuff.”

“Good,” Tendou said.

“God… if you told high school me that I’d end up friends with Tendou Satori, of all people… well, I honestly don’t know what he would’ve thought.”

“I dunno,” Tendou said pensively, “I don’t think it’s that surprising.”

“Really?” Suga looked up at him, raising a skeptical eyebrow. 

“I always sensed a kindred spirit,” he replied. “From the first time you glared at me across the net,” he added with a wide grin. Suga couldn’t help but snort.

“Kindred spirits with the _Gesu Monster_, huh? Wonder what that says about me.”

“That you’re a lot less angelic--and more interesting--than you look.”

Suga grinned a slightly devilish grin. “I guess I’ll take it,” he said, then sighed and stretched, forcing himself into a sitting position. “I… am fucking starving,” he said when he got himself.

“Really?” Tendou said, his eyes lighting up. “That’s good, right? You’re feeling a little better?”

“I guess? I still feel low key awful but it’s… better, maybe?”

“I’m glad,” Tendou said, a bright, astonishingly pure smile lighting up his face. “Well, let’s go get some lunch. Brunch? You just got up, so it’s not really lunch for you I guess. Whatever. Either way, it’s my treat!”

“I’ll pay you back, I promise. I feel bad.”

“Nah,” Tendou said, waving him off. “I was just gonna take you to the dining hall. I’m not a big eater, so I have _so_ many meals left on my meal plan. I don’t think I could use them all if I tried,” Tendou said, waving his student ID. 

“Oh, okay,” Suga said. “I still feel like a mooch.”

“Just think of it as helping me get my money’s worth.”

“Alright,” Suga said finally, smiling up at him. “I swear I’ll pay you back somehow, though.”

“Shhh, just come eat some slightly-mediocre food with me,” Tendou said.

“Mmm, you make it sound so appealing,” Suga said, but he stood up and started getting dressed.

“Hey, Suga?” Tendou said softly. 

“Hm?”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. And… despite the way it all happened, I’m really glad I got to know you. I’m happy to be your friend.”

Suga smiled, even taken aback as he was by Tendou’s honest words. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “I’m glad, too.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOPS I FORGOT TO UPDATE
> 
> And this is one of the chapters I've been most excited to post! I swear I make myself giggle every single time I reread it. Enjoy! :D

The first couple of nights Suga was staying with him, Satori barely slept. The sight of Suga in that hospital bed, pale and still, had left more of a lingering impact on him than he had even realized at first. He had trouble falling asleep, afraid that he’d wake up and Suga would be gone. When he did manage to drift off, he’d wake with a start, unable to relax until he was sure Suga was still breathing. 

It was that fourth night that he finally managed a good night’s sleep--he’d moved to the couch to give Suga some space after he’d woken up in a panic because of Satori’s morning wood. But then... Suga had asked him to come back. Suga _wanted_ Satori close. It was a small thing, maybe, but the knowledge warmed him, and he drifted off easily that night. 

After that, things got easier. Suga was starting to be a little more himself, and Satori grew accustomed to his presence dangerously quickly. He had to remind himself constantly that Suga was only staying with him because of the circumstances. Even so, he couldn’t help the traitorous thrill in his heart when he woke up in the morning to see Suga’s fair, silky hair strewn over his pillow, Suga’s delicate features still relaxed in sleep. It would be oh to easy to let himself be caught in the fantasy. 

But no. A few weeks, and he would be done with exams. Then they’d fly back home, and… that would be that. He hoped they’d keep in touch, but Suga had his own friends, his own life to return to. Until then, he would simply savor every moment he got. He’d have all the time in the world later to curse his idiot heart for falling so easily. 

***

After five days, Satori decided to broach the topic of Suga’s withdrawal from school. They’d just gotten back from getting dinner in the dining hall, and Suga was flipping idly through a borrowed volume of manga while Satori worked on his homework. Well, pretended to. He was actually contemplating how to bring it up. He knew it would probably be a source of anxiety for Suga, but that would only get worse if he didn’t deal with it, right?

At last, Satori decided to just cut straight to the point. He could still be gentle about it, but beating around the bush wouldn’t help. 

“Hey, Suga? Have you… talked to your advisor? About withdrawing?”

Suga was quiet for a long moment. Satori couldn’t see his face with where Suga was sitting on the bed, but he could see the stiff set of his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, I know it hasn’t been that long and you’re still recovering--”

“No,” Suga said finally, interrupting him. “I haven’t. I’ve… been putting it off.”

“Anxiety?”

“...Yeah. I know it’s stupid, all I have to do right now is send an email, but--”

“It’s not stupid,” Satori said, softly but firmly. “I’d be anxious out of my mind. That… probably isn’t helpful to say, but like… shit like that is scary.”

Suga nodded, humming softly in assent. 

“Maybe… if I helped you?” Satori offered. “I can even go with you, if you have to meet with them and stuff. Moral support, and all.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Suga said, turning around to look at him. 

“I know,” Satori said, smiling softly.

Suga looked for a second like he’d argue, but then he stopped, deflating and shaking his head. “Okay, then. Yeah.”

“Yeah? Okay, um… do you think we can go ahead and get that email sent?” Satori hoped Suga wouldn’t think he was babying him, but he knew all too well how this kind of anxiety worked. He wanted to give Suga an out, if he really needed it. 

Suga didn’t answer right away, but eventually nodded. “Yeah, I… I can do it.”

Satori got up and climbed onto the bed, leaning against the wall next to Suga. “Wanna borrow my computer, or just do it on your phone?”

“Phone’s fine,” Suga said. When he snuck a glance, Satori could see that he had opened his email. Another moment later, he was typing. Satori let out a soft breath, and reached out to give Suga a reassuring squeeze on the leg, just above his knee. 

“Okay, sent,” Suga said, tossing his phone down on the bed. 

“Good,” Satori said, letting out a slow breath. “Now… do you wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Don’t you need to study?” Suga asked, chewing on his lip. 

“Nothing urgent for tomorrow,” Satori said. “And if I don’t take breaks sometimes, I’m pretty sure my head will _actually_ explode.”

Suga snorted. “Okay, okay. Sure.”

Satori took a moment to arrange the pillows before making himself comfortable. He fought to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat when Suga curled up beside him, his head resting against Satori’s arm. He grabbed the remote with his other arm, booting up Netflix. Too lazy to be bothered with scrolling too much through the endless titles, they put it on a random rom-com that looked half decent. 

Satori was only halfway paying attention to the movie, preoccupied as he was by the feeling of Suga’s downy soft hair brushing against his skin every time either of them moved. It was funny, though, if Suga’s frequent little snorts of laughter were any indication. Slowly, though, Suga grew more and more quiet, and sure enough when Satori risked a glance, his eyes were closed.

Somewhere towards the end of the movie, the sound of a key in the door signalled Semi was back. It was late--later than Semi usually got back to the room, anyway. Satori suspected he’d been avoiding the room, trying to give Suga space while he adjusted. 

When Semi stepped inside, Satori held a finger up to his lips. He was met with a fond, but knowing smile. 

“Want me to turn the lights off?” Semi asked in a low voice. 

“Sure.”

Semi turned on his desk lamp first, then flipped the switch on the overhead light. The room was cast in a soft glow from the lamp, giving Suga’s pale hair a rosy tint. Satori carefully tugged the blankets out from under him and pulled them up over both of them. Suga let out a soft noise of protest, frowning at the movement.

“S’okay,” Satori said. “Go back to sleep.”

Suga let out another soft hum, shifting closer to Satori as he burrowed under the covers. Satori pressed his lips against Suga’s hair, breathing in slowly. It was dangerous to indulge himself like this. He _knew_ that, on a rational level, but wherever Suga was involved his resolve crumbled into dust. 

He would just let himself have this for now. He’d let himself hold Suga close, and imagine things he could never really have. When they got home and went back to their own lives, at least he would have this memory.

***

Satori folded his legs closer under the chair he was sitting in, trying to shrink himself. He felt a little out of place in the unfamiliar office at Suga’s university, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t there when Suga got out of his appointment with his advisor. This wasn’t the last step--to qualify for a medical withdrawal, he’d probably have to see a doctor at the school clinic as well. Satori planned to be there every step of the way, his own rapidly approaching final exams be damned. 

He just hated that he couldn’t do more. He hated that he couldn’t hold Suga’s hand right now. He knew Suga was an adult, but he couldn’t stand the thought of Suga in there hurting right now and him not being able to do anything about it. 

He checked his phone again, only to find that scarcely two minutes had passed since the last time he’d done so. At first he’d tried to get some studying in while he waited for Suga, but he was too anxious. He found himself staring at the same flashcard for five minutes, not processing what it said at all. So he idly checked twitter, instagram, _anything_ to distract himself, even if none of them have updated in the thirty seconds since the last time he’d opened them. Every time a door creaked open, his head whipped around to see if it was Suga coming out. 

At long last, Suga did emerge. Satori stood, waiting as Suga exchanged a few last words with his advisor. 

Satori had anticipated this meeting would be hard for Suga, but the visible effect it’d had on him was more than he’d even expected. Suga’s shoulders were slumped as though an invisible weight pressed down on him. His eyes were red from crying, a crumpled tissue clutched in his fist. He looked like he was having trouble looking his advisor in the eye. His gaze was downcast as he turned away from them, finally walking toward Satori. 

As he approached, his eyes slowly swept upwards to meet Satori’s. His brows lifted, eyes wide as a tiny smile curled at his lips--there was no other way to say it but that he lit up when he saw Satori. 

Satori didn’t even have time to process _that_ before Suga was closing the distance between them, wrapping his arms around Satori’s middle and pressing his face against his shoulder. Satori sucked in a sharp breath and then returned the unexpected embrace. He pulled Suga into a tight hug, his long arms wrapped securely around him. 

“For a bag of chicken bones, your hugs are weirdly nice,” Suga said, voice muffled against Satori’s shoulder.

“Thanks? Maybe?” Satori said. “I’m really not sure if that was a compliment or not.”

“Oh, just shut up and hug me.”

“Anytime,” Satori said in a soft voice, resting his cheek against the top of Suga’s head.

After a long moment Suga pulled back, looking up at Satori with a soft smile. Satori’s heart skipped a beat--even like this, eyes red-rimmed and raw from crying, he was breathtaking. 

“How’d it go?” Satori asked once he managed to gather himself.

Suga let out a huff of mirthless laughter. “As well as a meeting like that can go, I guess? I have to go to the school clinic too, but she said I should be able to get the medical withdrawal. Clinical depression and all that jazz.”

Satori smiled sadly, giving a soft squeeze where his hand still rested on Suga’s hip. “I wish I could be more help,” he said. “I know all this must be hard.”

“Tendou… you _are_ helping. Just you being here… you have no idea. And you have your own shit to worry about! _You _aren’t withdrawing! You still have to pass your finals.”

“And I have it under control,” Satori said. “Besides, the grading system here is different so everything is gonna transfer pass/fail.”

Suga huffed, narrowing his eyes. “Okay. I’m still gonna help quiz you later though.”

Satori smiled. “Sounds like a plan. Now c’mon, let’s get out of here.”

***

Semi was sitting cross-legged in his desk chair when they got back, hunched over his computer. There were a pile of miscellaneous wrappers and multiple crushed energy drink cans scattered around his desk. He was still in his boxers and his hair was a mess--from running fingers through it, probably. 

It looked like Exam Gremlin Semi had finally made his appearance. 

“Heya, Semisemi,” Satori said as he crossed the room. “Have you eaten today?”

It took Semi a moment to look over, blinking up at Satori like he’d only just noticed his presence. “Huh?”

“_Food_,” Satori said. “Have you eaten it?”

“I had a--”

“Energy bars don’t count. Have you eaten _real_ food?”

Semi didn’t answer.

“Alright,” Satori said. “Up you get, we’re going to get lunch.”

“Satori, I don’t have time, I have to finish--”

“Eita, you’ll be able to work more efficiently if you take breaks. Also your brain requires nourishment. Come on.”

“You aren’t going to leave me alone until I come with you, huh?” Semi said.

“Nooope!” Satori exclaimed with a grin.

Semi climbed off his chair, wincing a bit as he straightened his back. “Okay, okay, I’m coming,” he said, grabbing a pair of jeans off the floor and tugging them on. 

“You hungry, Suga?” Satori asked, turning towards him. Suga was wearing a slightly bemused smile, but his face turned pensive as he considered the question.

“Yeah, I could eat.”

Together they all made their way to the dining hall, Satori carrying the conversation mostly by himself. He didn’t mind. He knew that despite his protests, Semi needed the distraction. If someone didn’t drag him away from his desk every now and then, he’d work himself until he literally faceplanted dead asleep on his keyboard. 

Suga was looking better, too. He no longer looked so weighed down, and every now and then he’d smile at Satori in a way that set butterflies fluttering in his stomach. 

Once they’d scanned into the dining hall, they scattered while they got their food. Suga more or less knew his way around by now, so Satori got his own meal--some pasta with zucchini--and went in search of a table for them. 

Suga joined him not too long after, carrying a burrito bowl with a terrifying amount of hot sauce poured over it. Satori chuckled. He was definitely feeling better--the first few days he’d been staying with Satori he’d stuck to simple carbs that were easier on his stomach. 

“That’s terrifying. Wait, do you have _more than one_ type of hot sauce on that?”

Suga blinked innocently at him. “What? They have this one I really like for the flavor--that’s the kind of orange-ish one--but it’s not that hot, so I add the other one too. It’s good, you wanna try?” He grinned, and Satori now knew better than to trust that grin. 

“That is a _hard_ pass.”

Suga giggled, and then they both froze as Semi joined them, plunking down a tray that was absolutely loaded.

“What the--” Satori started, gaping at Semi’s selections. A bowl of Froot Loops over _ice cream,_ a plate absolutely full of french fries, a grilled cheese with what looked like pepperoni on it, a waffle, exactly three chicken nuggets, and a bowl of queso dip--with no chips.

“_Eita_, I told you, you have to eat a vegetable! Something _green.”_

Straight-faced, Semi lifted a plate full of cucumber slices that had been hiding behind his fries.

“_Eitaaa._ Cucumbers are like ninety-five percent water. Hydration is important, but you need _vitamins! _You’re going to get scurvy.”

Semi lifted the glass of orange juice he had on his tray and guzzled it in one go. “There. No scurvy.” 

Satori glared, but Semi was unperturbed as he began dipping his french fries in the soft serve and froot loops combo.

“Is he… is he for real?” Suga asked in a low voice. 

Satori sighed. “Yeah, he always gets this way during exams. We call it his Exam Gremlin.”

“Ookay. Still think _my_ meal is terrifying?” Suga said.

“I think _you’re_ terrifying. But you’re eating a vegetable, so you’re doing great,” Satori said with a grin, patting Suga on the shoulder.

Suga laughed, tucking into his violently red food. 

“_You,_ on the other hand,” Satori said, glaring at Semi. 

Semi flashed a peace sign while he picked up half of his grilled cheese and _dipped it in the queso._

“Oh my god,” Satori said. “That’s it, I’m getting you a vegetable. AND some fruit.”

“C’mon, Satori, it’s exams. Give me a break.”

“All the more reason you need _proper nutrition!_ Your brain needs to be functioning optimally!”

“God, you sound like Wakatoshi,” Semi said. 

“Good!” Satori said as he pushed away from the table. “Someone needs to!” He marched off, heading straight to the salad bar. He grabbed a bowl of mixed fruit with lots of blueberries for brain power, and some vegetables and ranch dressing to make it more palatable to Semi’s inner gremlin. 

“Here,” he said when he got back, setting both down in front of Semi. 

“Fine, but I’m getting dessert after this,” Semi said, dumping the blueberries over his waffle.

Satori didn’t bother arguing that one. He’d long since learned to pick his battles when Semi was in gremlin mode. 

They all ate in relative quiet, Satori and Suga finishing their more modest meals first. Satori went back for a small chocolate ice cream while Semi finished. When he got back, Suga was leaning back in his chair, staring in what might have been either terror or awe as Semi polished off his last few french fries. 

“Feelin’ better, Semisemi?” Satori asked. 

“Mm,” Semi replied, licking his fingers. “And I ate all your vegetables, _mom.”_

Satori grinned. “I’m so proud.”

“I feel like I’ve seen a whole new side of you, Semi-san,” Suga said.

“The Exam Gremlin is always an experience,” Satori said. 

“Fuck off,” Semi said, waving Satori off as he sipped his soda. 

They lapsed into slightly awkward silence after that, and Satori was reminded that despite how well he knew both of them, Suga and Semi still barely knew each other. Semi seemed to be realizing the same thing, because he turned towards Suga.

“So,” he said, dragging the vowel like he was still fishing for a topic of conversation, “uh, how’s life?”

There was a beat, and then Semi’s eyes went wide, the color draining from my face.

“Shit, I mean--god, that was such a stupid thing to ask, I’m sorry--”

Before Semi could finish apologizing for his gaffe, Suga let out a loud snort which quickly burst into a full-bodied laugh. He doubled over, swaying towards Satori as he fell into hysterics, wiping tears from his eyes as he struggled to catch his breath.

“God, I’m sorry,” he gasped. “I just--wow, I needed that. Thank you, Semi-san.”

“You’re… welcome?” Semi said. “And just ‘Semi’ is fine.”

“Alright, Semi,” Suga said. “And to answer your question--my life is an absolutely monstrous pile of shit. It’s like, a knocked-over port-a-potty. A really vile one that’s been baking in the sun too long. It’s the worst! But…” he trailed off, glancing quickly up at Satori, “I think it’s getting better.”

“That’s… good, then?”

“It is!” Suga replied, disconcertingly chipper for someone who’d just compared his life to an upturned port-a-potty. 

Semi nodded awkwardly, still looking vaguely concerned even as he tried to smile. Satori couldn’t help a giggle of his own. 

“Wow,” he said, “I couldn’t have broken the ice better if I tried.”

Semi glared. “I wasn’t thinking about it, I was just trying to start conversation! Ugh, you’re the worst.”

“Hey, you managed it! Guess what we’re doing right now? _Conversing,”_ Satori said.

“I meant it, Semi,” Suga chimed in. “I needed that laugh. And it was a perfectly normal question to ask! It’s not your fault my life is a shitshow.”

“If you’re sure,” Semi said, still looking a bit uncomfortable, his cheeks dusted pink. 

“One hundred percent,” Suga said. 

“Okay. I’m going to get that dessert now.” Semi pushed away from the table.

“Are you serious? Is he serious?” Suga asked, turning towards Satori as Semi stalked off towards the dessert table. 

“Never underestimate Exam Gremlin Semi,” Satori said solemnly.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to update last week. OOPS.

By the time Suga had been staying with Tendou for nearly two weeks, he was starting to feel like the bright smiles of the anime girls on Tendou’s posters were taunting him. He barely left Tendou’s dorm room, only occasionally venturing down the hall to use the shared microwave. The few times he got out were only to go to the dining hall, apart from the one trip back to his university to meet with his advisor. That only worsened his anxiety, though. He felt like an intruder, hiding among all of these normal college students diligently preparing for finals. Like someone was going to find him out. _He doesn’t belong here!_ _He’s an addict, a dropout!_

He had to get out.

He threw on some real pants and a light jacket, shoved his wallet into his pocket, and pulled on his shoes. He wasn’t sure where he was going, all he knew was _out._ Somewhere he could blend into the crowd. Blissful anonymity. 

He took a deep breath as he finally, _finally_ stepped out onto the street. The weather was still cool, but it was starting to really feel like springtime. The sun was warm on his face, and the breeze felt pleasant, not biting. With no real plan in mind, he just picked a direction and started walking. 

***

He wasn’t sure how many blocks he walked before he realized that he should probably go _somewhere,_ and not just keep walking aimlessly. It felt so nice, though, just to let himself be lost in the crowd. These people didn’t know him. It didn’t matter to them if he slipped through the cracks.

He shook himself, focusing on the feeling of the wind blowing through his hair. He looked around, and his eyes fell on a sign for a coffee shop. He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, quickly rifling through it--he had a few dollars on him, enough to get himself a coffee. He hadn’t checked his bank account in ages; maybe his parents had put some money in it now that he’d talked to his mom, but he wasn’t sure. They’d tried cutting him off a while back to get him to call, but he’d ignored them, living instead on Shane’s family’s money--another source of guilt. 

He sighed, putting his wallet back in his pocket and making his way inside. The rich smell of coffee hit him like a wave as soon as he opened the door, helping push his more unpleasant thoughts to the back of his mind. The atmosphere inside was warm and inviting, and the barista smiled at him from the counter. He approached, giving a cursory glance at the menu boards. 

“Can I get a small coffee, please?”

“Sure thing! Room for cream?”

“No thanks,” he said. He wanted to get his money’s worth, and he drank his coffee black as often as not these days, mostly just because he couldn’t be bothered to go to the store for cream.

“That’ll be two dollars and ten cents,” the barista said, and he handed over the three dollars he had on him. She passed him his change, and he went to the end of the counter to wait. A moment later she slid his coffee across, and he grabbed it. He looked around; the interior was nice, and there were a variety of comfortable chairs. It had felt so nice to be outside, though. Once he’d added a bit of cream, he took his coffee outside, sitting down at one of the small bistro tables and stretching his legs out. He sipped it slowly, savoring the experience of being out as much as the taste of the coffee. 

***

His cup had been empty for a while and he’d been enjoying just watching the people pass by when one of them stopped abruptly in front of him. He glanced up to find Semi looking down at him, his expression of relief quickly morphing into an irritated scowl. 

“Oh thank god,” he said, tugging his phone out of his pocket. “Satori’s about to have a fucking aneurysm, you know.”

Suga’s surprise faded into mild irritation as he realized what Semi meant. He sat in silence, looking stubbornly away as Semi smashed the buttons on his phone with more force than necessary. 

“I’ve got him,” Semi said into the phone. Suga could hear Tendou on the other end, seemingly talking a mile a minute. “Yeah, yeah, he’s fine. Just having a fucking coffee, apparently.” 

Suga did not miss the scowl that Semi shot him at that. He tuned out the rest of the short conversation, and ignored Semi when he sank into the chair across from him. Not five minutes later, Tendou shot around the corner, practically _sprinting_ over to them, skidding to a stop in front of the table. He looked Suga over, as if he expected him to be sporting some kind of grievous wound. 

“Oh thank god you’re okay,” he said, and although on a rational level Suga knew it was just genuine concern for his well being, it _grated. _He forced himself to look up at Tendou, though, giving him an almost-smile. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. “Just… drinking coffee.” He smiled a bit sardonically, gesturing at his empty cup. 

“Oh,” Tendou said. “You… you didn’t…” Tendou trailed off, shaking his head, but the implication was still there, and suddenly the spark of irritation burning in Suga’s chest erupted into anger. 

“I didn’t _what?”_ he snapped, pushing himself out of his chair. “Didn’t go get wasted? Get high?”

Tendou stepped back, hands raised in conciliation. “I didn’t mean--I was _worried,_ Suga.”

“I’m not a fucking _child,_ Tendou!” Suga yelled, past caring that he was making a scene. “I’ve been cooped up in your shitty dorm room for two fucking weeks! I should be able to go get a damn coffee without you calling the fucking hounds on me!”

“Hey!” Semi yelled, jumping up and putting himself between them, leaning over Suga. “Where the _fuck_ do you get off, talking to him like that? He’s the one who was there waiting in the goddamn hospital while you were in that bed looking halfway to death’s door. He’s the one trying to _help_ your sorry ass, though I gotta say right now I’m not sure why he should bother.” He sighed, scrubbing a hand roughly through his hair. He turned towards Tendou, lowering his voice. “I’ll let you… work this out. See you back at the room, yeah?” 

Tendou nodded, and Semi patted his shoulder, the physical comfort coming with an ease that spoke of familiarity. Suga stared at the ground as Semi walked away, his anger doused, gone as quickly as it had come. Shame filled his chest in its place, bubbling dangerously up his throat. 

“He’s right,” Suga said softly, hot tears filling his eyes. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. You’ve done so much for me, I have no right--”

“Hey, stop,” Tendou said, hesitating for a moment before resting his hands over Suga’s arms. “It’s not your fault. Anyone would be frustrated right now. Don’t worry about it.”

“Stop--_stop that!” _Suga cried, the tears spilling over his cheeks in earnest as he pushed away from Tendou’s comforting touch. “Stop being so nice to me! I don’t--Semi’s right, I don’t deserve--”

“Everyone deserves kindness,” Tendou said, his voice soft but firm.

“Tendou… this went past basic kindness _months_ ago, and you know it. I’ve hurt you, and pushed you away, and been nothing but trouble for you--_why?_ Why do you keep doing it?”

Tendou stepped closer, looking at him with a strangely intense expression. “You know why,” he said, his voice unbearably tender.

Suga stared up at him, a fresh sob escaping him. “I know,” he said softly, scrubbing tears from his cheeks. Before he could even think, he was wrapped in Tendou’s deceptively strong arms, his face pressed against his chest. He sank into the hug, his breath hitching pathetically. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m so sorry for… for all this shit. I’m sorry for being so difficult, and for trying to push you away even after I said I’d stop. God, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Tendou said gently. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like a prisoner or anything. Just… I didn’t know where you’d gone, and you’d left your phone. I got scared.”

“Oh,” Suga said dumbly, feeling even more ashamed of his earlier outburst. Tendou’s concern was pretty well-founded. He’d been so desperate to get out, he hadn’t even thought to grab his phone. He’d gotten lax about carrying it, since he’d mostly just been tagging along with Tendou. From Tendou’s perspective, he just… left. “Shit.”

“Yeah,” Tendou said. “We’ll work something out, okay? Because obviously I don’t want you to be trapped in my room, but I promised your mom I’d look out for you.”

“I know,” Suga said softly. “I--_really,_ I’m sorry for yelling. I shouldn’t have taken off without saying anything. I can only imagine what you must have thought.”

“For what it’s worth, the rational part of my mind did assume you just wanted to get some fresh air or something. I just… have a rather overactive imagination, so I freaked out. Maybe a smidge more than strictly necessary,” Tendou said. 

“After all the shit I’ve put you through, I’m pretty sure worrying about me is just good common sense at this point,” Suga said with a wry laugh. 

“Still, I didn’t mean to freak out on you,” Tendou said. “So, uh. I don’t know if you were still drinking that, but if you want me to leave you to it--”

“Nah,” Suga said. “I’d been done for a while.” He stepped back, scrubbing the tear tracks from his face. “Wanna head back?” he asked, but no sooner did the words leave his mouth than a loud growl erupted from his stomach.

Tendou chuckled. “Or maybe food?”

“Ah… yeah. I didn’t… I didn’t have enough money to get anything to eat.”

Tendou waved him off. “I told you, I have like a bajillion meals left at the dining hall. As long as you’re not sick of it, I mean.”

“Nah,” Suga said. “I like that burrito bowl they do.”

“You just like that they give you free reign over the hot sauce.”

“Hey, the two aren’t mutually exclusive!”

***

Tendou went with him again when he had to go to the school clinic to get his medical withdrawal approved. Suga tried to argue, considering Tendou had a _twenty page paper_ due at the end of the week. Tendou wouldn’t hear it, though.

Despite the guilt and secondhand anxiety Suga felt over Tendou’s workload, he was glad for the comfort of having him there. He was ill with anxiety as it is, so Tendou’s presence was more or less the only thing keeping him together.

To say the appointment was unpleasant would be a dramatic understatement. 

Apparently to approve the medical withdrawal, the doctor has to pry into every aspect of his life and thoughts and feelings over the past two years. She wasn’t mean about it, but she was brusque and efficient and Suga couldn’t help but feeling like he was being judged. 

By the time it was over, he felt wrung out and raw and he was certain he could sleep for a week. He was in such a haze, he’s not sure he even would have made it back in one piece without Tendou leading him. Tendou ended up taking his hand so he wouldn’t lose him in the subway, and he didn’t release it for the walk the rest of the way back, either. 

When they got back to Tendou’s room, he collapsed face-first on the bed. A moment later it dipped, and there was a gentle touch to his shoulder. 

“I suppose ‘how are you doing’ is a stupid question right now, but can I do anything? Get you anything?” Tendou asked, his voice unbearably gentle. 

Suga’s stomach twisted. He’d already asked for enough, taken enough of Tendou’s time away from his studies, but--

“Maybe just… stay with me for a minute?” he said in a small voice, looking up at Tendou. Tendou gave him a soft smile and swung his legs up onto the bed. He held an arm out, and Suga took the invitation, curling himself against Tendou’s chest.

“I’m proud of you, you know,” Tendou said quietly. “I know that can’t have been easy.”

“You’re… proud of me for dropping out,” Suga said, raising an eyebrow. 

“Not like that, but yeah,” Tendou said. “It’s a tough situation, but it takes strength to recognize when you need to quit, to take care of yourself first and foremost.”

“I don’t feel strong right now,” Suga admitted in a tiny, barely audible voice. Tendou’s arms tightened around him, and he squeezed his eyes shut. 

“I know,” Tendou said. “But you are. I can see it. And you’re gonna make it through this. It’s just a couple weeks now, and then we can go home.”

That should have been a relief. Suga knew Tendou was trying to help, but it only reminded him of another whole wave of anxieties. Even if he had talked to his mom again, he knew that wasn’t the end of it. He still had so much to explain, so much to make up for.

And then there were Asahi and Daichi. 

He had fucked things up so thoroughly, so irrevocably… he doubted their friendship was even salvageable. Daichi, at least, would probably never forgive him. He knew, though, that he had to try to make amends. He could never forgive _himself_ if he didn’t. 

He just had no idea where to start. 


	16. Chapter 16

He was on the floor. It was grimy and sticky and reeked of booze and worse, but he couldn’t move. He felt so _heavy._ Even keeping his eyes open was a herculean effort, but he couldn’t close them.

Because Asahi and Daichi were there. 

They were standing right in front of him--_over_ him. looking down at him. He wanted to say something, wanted to reach out to them, apologize to them, tell them not to leave--but his limbs were lead, and his throat was dry. He opened his mouth, tried to form words, but no sound would come out. No--he couldn’t breathe. 

They were still looking down at him, though--but their faces were twisting in disgust. Disappointment. Daichi shook his head slowly, and turned away. Asahi sighed and followed suit, giving him one last, sad look. 

_Wait!_

Only he couldn't speak. Couldn't reach out. Couldn't--couldn't breathe. 

_Come back!_

He struggled, but it was like swimming through molasses, and he couldn't keep his eyes open.

They were gone.

Suga’s eyes flew open, and he sucked in a deep, shuddering breath--he could breathe, but his heart still raced with instinctive panic.

It was dark, and it took him several moments to wade through the disorientation of his dream, reminding himself of his surroundings. He was in Tendou’s dorm room. When he looked down, Tendou was asleep next to him, face smushed adorably against his hand. He was right there. Close enough to touch.

_For how long, though?_

Tendou was here now, and his presence had been a godsend for Suga, but in all likelihood their friendship had an expiration date. They’d gone from fuckbuddies to tentative friends to roommates while Tendou had to play caretaker for his sorry ass. Not quite a solid foundation for any kind of relationship.

No, when they went back to Japan they would go their separate ways. It was for the best. Tendou deserved to be able to go back to his own life, unburdened by Suga’s problems. 

It would be easier if he began to distance himself now, if he stopped himself before he grew any more attached, but he was weak. He was selfish, and he would take every moment he had. 

He rolled over, resting his head against Tendou’s chest and slipping an arm around his slim waist, his fingers trailing over bare skin where Tendou’s shirt had ridden up. Tendou shifted in his sleep, making a soft sound and instinctively curling around Suga, wrapping his own arm around him. 

It made a strange swell of emotions claw up through his chest. He was going to miss Tendou. Several months ago, he wouldn’t have believed it if someone told him that. Tendou had been a thorn in his side, a reminder of things he’d rather forget. He was stubborn, though, and he’d slowly chipped away at all of Suga’s defenses before he could even realize it had happened. 

Soon enough, Suga would be reminded why he’d put up those defenses in the first place. 

***

Within a few days, his withdrawal was officially finalized. The news came by email, and he stared at it, processing the words for a long time. Despite the familiar sinking feeling of guilt in his stomach, he also felt… free. For the first time in a long time. He was officially a dropout. A total failure. Now… well, he could hardly fuck up worse than he’d already done. Hopefully, at least, there was nowhere left to go but up.

Freed from the anxiety of the withdrawal process, he was able to better enjoy his time left with Tendou--so naturally, time seemed to speed up. Days passed in a whirlwind of packing and quizzing Tendou and helping him revise essays. When Tendou had the time to spare, they went back to Suga’s apartment to work on packing up the few things he cared to take back with him--Tendou insisted Suga not do this alone. The reason was very clear from the tense standoff Tendou had with Shane the entire time Suga was packing. 

At night, Suga curled up close against Tendou’s chest, and tried not to think about just how comforting Tendou’s presence had become to him. How much he’d come to rely on it.

***

The day of Tendou’s last exam snuck up on Suga. He’d let himself fall back on excuses of appreciating what time he had left with Tendou, but when he woke up the morning of the eighth, staring at the ‘_LAST EXAM!’ _scrawled messily on Tendou’s calendar, he had to face his denial. 

In the morning, they would get on a plane home. Normally Suga would be dreading the thirteen hours cooped up on an airplane, but what was on the other side was so much more daunting that he had a feeling it would pass _too_ quickly. 

He had a single large suitcase and his backpack, both packed and sitting against the wall by the door. A few of his things had been sent ahead in boxes along with most of Tendou’s belongings, but he wasn’t leaving the States with much more than he’d arrived with. Packing up Tendou’s things had been the bigger ordeal. Figures had to be carefully boxed, posters rolled, volumes of manga stacked. Suga had made the mistake of asking him why he had to bring his entire collection of manga with him, only for Tendou to stare at him aghast and inform him that it was only a _fraction_ of his collection, _thank you very much. _

Now the walls were almost eerily bare, the room sterile and white. All they had left to pack were the few things left on Tendou’s desk he’d needed for studying, the sheets on the bed, and a few toiletries. 

They were going home.

It suddenly felt very, very real. 

He focused on organizing the last of his things while he waited for Tendou to be out of his exam. When it became obvious he couldn’t be any more organized if he tried, he booted up his computer and tried to watch something, but could only halfway pay attention.

He was relieved when Tendou swept in the door about half an hour earlier than he’d expected him.

“I’M DONE!” he exclaimed before collapsing face-first on the bed, his head landing inches from Suga’s thigh. Suga chuckled, poking him in the shoulder. 

“You still alive there?”

“Mm, ‘m good,” Tendou said, his voice muffled by the mattress. Then he sprang upright, brandishing the plastic bag he was carrying. “I have this, so I’m fantastic!” He whipped out a pint of ice cream--Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy. 

“You earned it,” Suga said with a smile. He could attest to how hard Tendou had worked in the past couple of weeks. He couldn’t help the minor pang of guilt at his own failure, but mostly he was proud of Tendou. 

Tendou pushed himself off the bed, flinging himself into his desk chair with enough force to roll the few feet to his dresser, from which he produced a spoon. He ripped off the lid of his ice cream and dug in.

“Mmm, I’m going to miss this ice cream,” he said, eyes closed in a blissful expression while he licked it off his spoon. 

Right. Because they were going home tomorrow. 

The growing anxiety that Suga had been trying to avoid came roaring back. Tendou was done with his final exam. That was the final thing standing between them and going home, and now…

“What have you been up to today?” Tendou asked. 

Suga didn’t quite process the fact that he was being spoken to. He was staring at the blank white wall across from him, eyes starting to blur as the fact that they were going home _tomorrow_ echoed in his brain. 

Suddenly, the part of him that ached to go home was much quieter than the part that was bone-deep, shit-his-pants _terrified_ of the prospect. As gentle as his mom had been with him over the phone, he knew he was in for it when he got home. He hadn’t even spoken to his dad. He had no idea what his reaction would be. And once he’d gotten through that, there was still the thought of facing everyone he’d ever known. How could he even look anyone in the eye? They were all chasing their dreams, working hard, and here he was, an addict, a slut, a dropout. A _failure. _As freeing as the notion of rock bottom was, the shame still sat heavy in his gut. 

“Suga?”

The voice seemed almost distorted, far away. Suga blinked, and was startled to find tears running down his cheeks. When he lifted his hands to wipe them away, they shook.

“Suga? Shit, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m--” Suga’s voice hitched. “No. I don’t know. I… I’m scared.”

Tendou set his ice cream down on his desk and climbed up onto the bed, pulling Suga into his arms. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he said softly. “I know… I know this won’t be easy, but I’ll be there, alright? You don’t have to do this alone.”

Suga let out a shaky breath, letting himself accept whatever comfort Tendou was willing to offer. It couldn’t erase the panic that had lodged itself in his chest, but it at least made it a little easier to bear. 

“Here, wanna try some of this?” Tendou said, reaching to grab his pint of ice cream.

“To be honest? I kinda feel like throwing up. You should eat it.”

Tendou frowned. “Oh no, are you sick?” He reached up, pressing the back of his hand to Suga’s forehead. “I… don’t actually know what I’m doing here, this is just what people do when someone’s sick.”

Suga couldn’t help but chuckle at Tendou’s honesty. “It’s to check for a fever, dummy,” he said. “And I don’t have one. It’s just anxiety.”

“O-oh. Right. Guess there’s not a whole lot I can do for that, except promise that I’ll be there with you. I know it’ll be hard, but you’ve made it this far, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Suga echoed hollowly. 

“I’m sorry,” Tendou said. “I wish I could do more.”

“Don’t be,” Suga said. _You’ve already done too much, _he thought.

***

Once Semi returned from his exam, he and Tendou agreed they should go out to eat to celebrate finishing exams, and to enjoy their last night in America. Suga let himself be dragged along. He did his best to have a good time, to not bring down the buoyant atmosphere, but he could tell by the glances Tendou gave him that he saw straight through him. 

When they returned from dinner, Tendou and Semi got accosted by some friends in the lounge of their dorm. Everyone seemed to be gathering there, enjoying their last night together. It was clear they had all become pretty close friends, and more than a few faces were streaked with tears. 

Suga quietly slipped away, escaping upstairs to Tendou’s room. He didn’t need to intrude on Tendou’s last night with his friends. 

It was a while before either Tendou or Semi returned, and when they did Suga pretended to be asleep. The lights flickered off, and then the door opened and closed again, leaving him alone once more. 

He didn’t end up sleeping more than an hour at a time that night. He was still awake when Tendou and Semi came back once more, and still awake when Tendou gingerly climbed into the bed with him.

He was awake when Tendou’s breathing evened out in sleep, and he was awake a little while later when Tendou shifted, his arm wrapping around Suga’s waist from behind. 

Towards dawn, he caught maybe an hour or two of sleep.

When Tendou’s alarm went off, he was already awake. 

Tendou cursed under his breath as he flailed for the alarm, and after a moment it shut off. The bed creaked as Tendou sat up, and Suga rolled over to face him. 

“Morning,” Tendou groaned blearily. 

Suga hummed a soft noise in response, heaving himself into a sitting position. He felt exhausted and jittery at the same time, and more than a little nauseous. 

Tendou got up, and Suga heard a cabinet open and close. A moment later Tendou reappeared, handing him a poptart. Suga took it, staring at it for a long moment before he opened it. He didn’t feel like eating, but he knew he needed to. He’d barely picked at his dinner the night before. So he broke off a corner of the poptart and put it in his mouth. 

He couldn’t have even told you what flavor it was, because it tasted like cardboard in his mouth. His stomach roiled violently, rebelling at the sensation of chewing solid food. He tried to keep chewing, but in the next moment it became very clear that was a bad idea. He shoved himself out of the bed, rushed to the door and walked down the hall to the bathroom, running the last few steps. 

He just made it to the toilet before the scant contents of his stomach came rushing up his throat. 

He heard the door open a moment later, and then there was a shadow behind him.

“Suga?” Tendou’s concerned voice said. “Shit, are you okay?”

“Just… anxiety. I think.”

“Fucks your stomach up too, huh?”

“Never this bad before,” Suga said, grabbing a wad of toilet paper to wipe his mouth.

“I have some medicine in my room. Do you think you’d be able to drink some chocolate milk or something? We could stop on the way to the airport. You should probably get something in your stomach, though.”

“Maybe,” Suga said.

Tendou helped him up, and together they walked back to the room. Suga grabbed a drink of water to rinse the foul taste from his mouth, and then he set about getting ready in a haze. He was glad he’d already set his clothes out, so he could just get dressed on autopilot. He shoved the last of his things in his suitcase, he and Tendou both brushed their teeth, and then it was time to go. They both took one last look at the room before they turned to leave. 

“It looks so weird,” Suga said quietly, looking at the blank white walls and simple wooden furniture. 

“Yeah,” Tendou said. “I’m gonna kind of miss it.”

“Yeah,” Suga agreed. He wouldn’t miss the States, but this room had become a place of comfort for him. A haven of sorts. 

“C’mon,” Tendou said, letting the door close behind them. “Cab’s waiting, and I’ve gotta drop my key by the office.”

***

Suga was glad to be flying home with Tendou, because he was able to sink into a haze of sleep deprivation and simply follow Tendou’s lead. Tendou had called the cab for them ahead of time, and he guided Suga through security, talking so he wouldn’t have to. He got him the chocolate milk he’d mentioned, and then a muffin to nibble on in the airport. They found a seat near the gate, and Suga leaned on Tendou’s shoulder, occasionally breaking off a piece of muffin to eat. 

“_We will now begin the boarding process for flight 6453 to Tokyo._”

The announcement snapped Suga out of his haze, and he sat up.

“Almost time,” Tendou said, glancing down at their tickets. “We’re group three, so not boarding just yet. How’re you feeling?”

“Like I didn’t sleep a wink and then threw up most of the contents of my stomach,” Suga said with a wry smile.

“Well, on the bright side maybe you’ll be able to sleep on the plane. You’re welcome to use me as a pillow… not that I make a very good one. All bones.”

Suga let out a soft laugh, appreciative of the attempt at humor. “You’re comfier than you look, I’ll give you that.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“_Group two is now welcome to begin boarding.”_

Tendou sighed. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Going home. It felt so far away, and now…” He trailed off. “Sorry, I guess you probably don’t want to think about it too much.”

“No, it’s… I’m scared, but also relieved, I think. I think it’s just like a bandaid that I need to rip off. A really… really big bandaid.”

Tendou took Suga’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “At least you… don’t have to… rip alone? Okay, no, that analogy doesn’t hold up, I’m sorry.”

Suga giggled. “Thank you,” he said softly. “Really, I… I have no idea what I’d do without you here.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else, then,” Tendou said.

Then it was time for them to board. They shuffled down the jet bridge, then made their way slowly down the aisle of the airplane all the way back into the economy section. Their seats were most of the way back, closest to the window. Tendou let Suga choose which seat he wanted, and he took the window, glad to let Tendou act as a buffer between him and whatever stranger they’d be seated next to. 

Suga stuffed his backpack under the seat and then sat quietly amidst the chaos of boarding. Tendou immediately set to pulling things out of his bag--headphones, snacks, an assortment of volumes of manga, a 3DS, and a kindle, the lot of which was perched precariously on his lap, as he wasn’t allowed to use the tray table yet. 

Suga smiled. It was so like Tendou; he’d probably go out of his mind with boredom if he didn’t have twenty different entertainment options at his disposal on a flight this long. 

Tendou offered him one of his headphones, and Suga accepted it. He’d expected cheery pop music or anime theme songs, but Tendou had picked something surprisingly mellow. A man’s voice crooned out words in English that Suga didn’t bother trying to understand on this little sleep. Something about it put him at ease, though, and he was able to relax marginally. 

The airplane doors closed. There was no turning back now. What Suga had thought would be panic-inducing brought instead a strange sense of relief. He watched the pavement go by outside the tiny window, faster and faster until it sank away, receding farther and farther into the distance. 

He looked out at the skyline of New York one last time, watching until the skyscrapers faded into neighborhoods and eventually into forests and fields. Eventually he turned away, looking instead over at Tendou, who’d already absorbed himself in one of his manga.

Suga let his head fall back against the seat and shut his eyes. 

They were going home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of part one! The boys are going home. I have most of the (considerably shorter) second part written, but I may take a brief break from publishing until I finish writing it so I can edit it for consistency before posting it. Haven't quite decided yet, but just a heads up that if you don't see an update for a bit after this, that's why.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tentatively* starting to publish again. Still not quite done writing, as the whole global pandemic thing has thrown a bit of a wrench in my motivation levels, but I'm gonna see if publishing helps to motivate me. Thanks for sticking with me, and enjoy!

Suga let himself be carried along in the flow of people filing out of the terminal. His limbs were weighed down by bone-deep exhaustion, and he leaned slightly on Tendou, whose fingers were tracing soothing patterns on his shoulder.

Just as they exited the security area, though, Tendou suddenly stopped. Suga looked up at him, confused, then followed Tendou’s gaze forwards.

Asahi and Daichi were standing there, staring back at them. Daichi’s hands were shoved into his pockets. His face was stern, brow furrowed. Asahi stood right behind him, one hand on his shoulder. Asahi’s face was softer--he offered them a hint of a gentle smile when he saw Suga looking. 

Part of Suga wanted to run away. He’d thought about this moment, about how he would actually face them, and no matter how many times he tried he could never picture it. Couldn’t picture it going _well, _that is. He couldn’t fathom them ever actually wanting to see him again. But… here they were. And he’d done so much running. He was tired. So he met Daichi’s gaze steadily, even as he felt like hiding. 

“Suga…” Daichi said, the deep furrow of his brow slowly easing. 

Suga’s breath hitched in his throat. His eyes burned with tears. 

He broke. 

A ragged sob ripped its way up his throat, and he wrapped his arms around himself. Tendou’s fingers were a constant presence on his shoulder, holding him steady as his body was wracked by rasping, desperate, hysterical sobs.

“_Daichi,”_ he said, his voice hitching, vision blurring as tears filled his eyes. “Daichi, I’m--I’m so--”

Daichi rushed forward, catching him in his arms, pulling Suga into his broad chest. Daichi’s arms were thick and warm and secure around him, holding him steady. Suga sucked in a raw breath and his lungs were filled with that smell--body wash and deodorant and that warm musk that was just _Daichi._ It was too much. Suga _cried._ He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this. He could barely breathe. He was beyond caring that they were in the middle of a bustling airport. His world narrowed to the feeling of his best friend’s arms around him, and he sobbed into Daichi’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “Daichi, I’m--I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice broke off into another uncontrollable sob, and Daichi’s hands ran up and down his back, solid but almost unbearably gentle. 

“We’ll talk later,” Daichi said. Suga could feel the rumble of his low voice in his chest, pressed against his cheek. “Right now I’m just… glad you’re okay.”

“I’m not,” Suga said in a small, vulnerable voice, turning his face further into Daichi’s shirt, damp from his tears. 

“Shh,” Daichi said, holding him closer. “You will be.” 

There was another hand on Suga’s back, and Suga looked up to see Asahi standing next to them, his warm brown eyes sad and soft. 

“_Asahi,”_ Suga said, pulling away from Daichi to wrap his arms around Asahi’s waist. Asahi was bigger than he remembered--his wide, muscular chest practically enveloped Suga--but the way he hugged was just the same. Asahi’s arms wrapped around him slowly, but increasing in pressure until Suga was ensconced in a bear hug, his feet lifting slightly off the ground. Daichi wrapped his arms around both of them, his head leaning against Suga’s. Suga closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against Asahi’s chest as his breathing slowly evened out. Every breath carried the familiar smell of his best friends--Daichi’s clean musk mingling with the spicier cologne Asahi favored. The tears still streamed down his face silently.

He knew he would have to work for forgiveness. Coming back from this wouldn’t be easy.

But they were _here._ Despite everything he’d put them through, they still came. For that, he was endlessly grateful. When he finally pulled back from the embrace, he looked back to catch Tendou’s eyes, giving him a watery smile. Suga knew this was his doing.

Then he turned back to Asahi and Daichi, his breath hitching again as he wiped the tears from his eyes. 

“I’m home,” he said, his voice wavering and his lips wobbling as he attempted a smile. 

“Welcome home, Suga,” Asahi said. His voice was soft and rich and warm.

It felt a little bit like healing. 

Asahi looked past Suga to where Tendou was still hovering behind them. 

“Come here,” he said, gesturing at him.

“Sorry,” Tendou said. “I didn’t wanna intrude or anything.” Still, he took a few steps towards them.

“Satori…” Asahi said, then took two quick steps and pulled Tendou into a tight hug. “_Thank you._”

“I didn’t…” Tendou sputtered, tensing at the sudden show of affection.

Asahi let Tendou go, setting his hands instead on his shoulders. “You did, though. You brought him home. From what you’ve told me… I don’t know if we can ever repay you for that.”

“You don’t have to,” Tendou said.

“Trust me, he’ll try,” Daichi said, giving Asahi a look of fond exasperation.

Asahi rolled his eyes, stepping back towards Daichi. “Wow, how dare I be a _nice person.”_

“I never said there was anything wrong with it,” Daichi said, smiling up at Asahi as he slid an arm around his waist.

Hearing their familiar banter made something ache deep in Suga’s chest.

“I’m really happy for you guys, by the way,” he said softly. “I know that’s coming about a year and a half too late, but…”

“Thanks, Suga,” Asahi said.

Daichi smiled, holding Asahi close. “God, look at you, Suga. Your hair’s almost as long as Asahi’s.”

Suga grimaced. “I haven’t gotten a haircut in… a while,” he said, tugging self-consciously at his split ends. “It’s a mess, I know.”

“No, it’s… I think I kind of like it. It’s just different.”

“Well, it wasn’t really intentional, but I guess I’m glad you like it?” Suga said. 

“If you want,” Tendou said, “my sister used to cut my hair all the time. She’s pretty good at it.”

“You guys are staying with her tonight, right?” Asahi asked.

“Yeah,” Tendou said. “Figured we’d break up the travel time at least a little bit.”

“Makes sense; you both look dead on your feet. We should let you go,” Daichi said. 

“Are you guys heading back tonight?” Suga asked. “It’s… what day is it, Thursday? You have class, right?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna take the first train out in the morning, though. We got a hotel for the night,” Daichi said.

“Did you guys want to get dinner or something, then?” Suga asked. If he was being honest, he didn’t really _want _to go out for dinner. He was so exhausted he felt like a stiff breeze would knock him over. But… Asahi and Daichi were _here_.After such a long time apart, after dreading and longing for this moment so much, he was almost afraid to say goodbye again. 

Asahi, luckily, seemed to sense at least some of his concerns. “Suga…” he said gently, “you look like you’d pass out and faceplant in your food.” He gave him a good-natured smile before he continued; “Why don’t you go get some rest, and we can make plans once we’re all home? Sendai isn’t far, so Daichi and I could easily come to see you, or you could come see our new apartment.”

Suga smiled, letting out a slow breath. “That… sounds really nice. And you’re probably right; I feel like I’m gonna pass out any second.”

“It’s a plan, then,” Daichi said. “You didn’t delete our numbers, did you?”

“No, no!” Suga said, waving his hands--but Daichi smiled.

“We’ll text you, then. Answer us this time, yeah?”

“I promise,” Suga said. “Really, Dai… I promise I’m never going to do that again. If you’re giving me the chance, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you.”

“I’m holding you to that,” Daichi said, a hint of his stern Captain VoiceTM coming out. 

“We’ll see you soon, Suga,” Asahi said, less threatening than Daichi but still a bit more pointed than usual for the big old softie. 

“Okay,” Suga said, his breath hitching as he began to tear up again. “S-sorry, I just--I missed you guys so much. You have no idea… I’m so… _I’m so glad you’re here.”_

Asahi smiled, his own eyes looking more than a little watery. “Trust me…” he said, his voice thick, “I think we might have an inkling. I’m really glad you’re home, Suga. It’s not the same without you.”

“Go get some rest, okay?” Daichi said. It sounded stern, but Suga knew better. Daichi wasn’t one to voice his feelings directly; the gruff words were Daichi’s way of showing he cared. Suga nodded, still teary-eyed. 

“Will do,” Suga said, grabbing his rolling suitcase that he’d abandoned when he saw Asahi and Daichi. “And I _will_ see you guys soon. I really, really promise.”

“Don’t worry, we know where you live,” Asahi said. “We’ll hold you to it.”

Suga smiled. “Good. Alright, then. I’ll… I’ll see you guys later.”

“See you, Suga,” Daichi said.

“Sleep well,” Asahi added with a smile. 

It was harder than Suga had expected to walk away from them. Now that he’d finally been reunited with them after so long, _and_ found out they didn’t hate him… He wanted to stay, to keep talking to them, to hear their voices and bask in their familiar, comforting presence--but he knew he’d only end up falling asleep. He was so tired he felt drunk, swaying dangerously as he walked. It was lucky Tendou was marginally more well-rested, and was able to guide them through the train system to his sister’s apartment. 

***

Tendou Nanako was… not what he expected. Well, in some ways she was _exactly_ like he expected; she and her brother had a lot in common, from their vibrant red hair--hers bobbed instead of spiked--to large parts of their personalities. However…

She was _short._

Okay, short was a bit of an exaggeration--she was honestly probably above average height for a woman, but nowhere near her stretched-out beanpole of a younger brother. Even Suga had easily a few inches on her. She was also soft and curvy where Tendou was lanky. 

Nanako greeted them with a wide smile that was very much like Tendou’s, though.

“You must be Suga-kun,” she said. “Satorin’s told me a lot about you.”

“He… he has?” Suga fought the urge to grimace, wondering what Tendou could have told her.

She must have sensed his concern, though, because she waved him off. “Don’t worry, I know what it’s like to go through a rough patch. I’m not judging, and besides, Satorin obviously likes you. Despite what his hairstyle would lead you to believe, my little brother’s got good taste.” 

“Hey!” Tendou said, puffing out his chest, ready to defend himself. 

Suga just snorted. “I like you, Tendou-san.”

Nanako waved a hand at him. “Please, ‘Nanako’ is fine. Come in, come in. You two must be exhausted.” She ushered them inside, giving them space to step out of their shoes before leading them further into the apartment. 

As he was following her to the room she’d set up for him and Tendou, Suga realized why the request to call her by her first name sat strangely with him--he’d never even used Tendou’s first name. Tendou seemed to call most of his friends by theirs--it was almost always _Wakatoshi_ and _Eita,_ with the occasional nickname thrown in. But he’d never used Suga’s, and he’d never asked Suga to use his. 

He was snapped out of his quiet contemplation as Nanako opened a door to reveal a small room, the floor of which was mostly taken over by two futons. On the far wall under the window, there was a desk absolutely laden with papers, what looked like art supplies, and a few random scraps of fabric. 

“Sorry about the mess,” Nanako said. “This is Anatole’s office. I asked him to clean it before he left, but… well, this is about as clean as he gets. Not that I have much room to talk! But anyways, Anatole is gone for the weekend, so the room’s all yours.”

“Thanks, nee-chan,” Tendou said, setting down his bags.

“I’ve got dinner cooking, so that’ll be ready in a bit. I figured you both might want to get a bath first, anyway. Wash off that airplane funk,” Nanako said. 

Suga nearly groaned in pleasure at the thought. 

“Yes, _please,_” Tendou said. “Do you have--”

“Those bath bombs you like? Yeah, yeah. I got them, you spoiled little brat.”

Tendou grinned, making no attempt to refute that statement. “You’re the best, nee-chan!”

“Anyway, the bath’s all ready, so you two can fight over who gets to go first. Or you can share, I don’t mind as long as there’s no funny business in my tub,” she said, winking at them before she sauntered out of the room. 

There was a moment of awkward silence in the wake of Nanako’s parting remark.

“Uh…” Tendou said finally. “You can go first. If you want.”

When Suga looked up at him, Tendou’s cheeks were painted a soft pink, and he was staring at the wall, wringing his hands.

“I… don’t mind sharing,” Suga said, “if you’re comfortable with that.” 

“Oh. Um, yeah. Yeah, that would be… okay. I mean, win-win, right? We both get to bathe first that way,” Tendou said, his easy smile belied by his obviously anxious babbling. “Lemme just grab a change of clothes.”

Suga did the same, and then he followed Tendou down the short hallway. 

“Guest bathroom’s that one,” Tendou said, gesturing at a closed door, “but Nanako lets me use hers. The bath is bigger.”

“They have two?” Suga said, impressed. 

“Just wait,” Tendou said. He went through the last door in the hallway, which led into what was obviously Nanako and Anatole’s bedroom. Suga tread lightly, feeling like he was intruding in their personal space. Tendou obviously had no such compunctions, breezing right on through and flinging the bathroom door open. 

Suga’s jaw dropped. The bath was _huge._ It was already full of steaming hot water that looked so inviting he almost failed to take in the rest of the bathroom. Most of it was gleaming white, but there was an accent wall done in soft, light wood that brought warmth to the room and kept it from being too stark. 

“_Right?”_ Tendou said. “I take a bath like every time I visit.”

“I can see why,” Suga said.

Tendou ushered him in and closed the door behind them, keeping the warmth in. “Just wait until we put the bath bomb in,” He said as he began to undress. “These things smell _so good.”_

Suga averted his eyes, focusing on undressing himself. He knew it wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before, but… things were different now. They were just sharing a bath.

“Alright, ready?” Tendou said, grabbing a bath bomb off one of the shelves on the wall. 

“Please,” Suga said. 

Tendou dropped the bomb into the steaming water, and Suga hummed appreciatively as it began to bubble and dissolve, streaking the water with gold. At the same time, the gentle aroma of lavender filled his lungs. Both of them watched it dissolve fully, leaving the water glistening with whirls of gold. 

“This is the fanciest bath I’ve ever seen,” Suga said. “I’m not worthy of this bath.”

“Fuck ‘worthy’,” Tendou said. “Just get in.”

Suga didn’t need telling twice. He clambered over the tall rim of the tub and sank into the deep, hot water with a groan. Tendou followed suit, situating himself in the other end of the tub. Suga let himself go lax, slipping gradually further into the bath until he was submerged up to his chin, his legs tangling with Tendou’s. 

“Give my apologies to your sister,” Suga said. “I’m staying here forever. I’m gonna become one with this bath now.”

“See if I don’t join you,” Tendou said, sinking down as much as his long limbs would allow. 

They lapsed into a comfortable, peaceful silence, interrupted only by their deep, slow breaths and the gentle sloshing of water. 

“Want me to… wash your hair?” Tendou offered after a while.

“Sure,” Suga agreed, looking away to hide his blush, lest Tendou know _just how much_ he wanted exactly that. Any excuse to have Tendou’s hands on him, to have the warm reassurance of his touch. He turned around so his back was to Tendou, situating himself between Tendou’s long legs. Tendou guided him to lean back to get his hair wet, and then poured some of Nanako’s fragrant shampoo into his hands, working it into a lather. He worked his long fingers into Suga’s hair, blunt nails scratching along his scalp. Suga shivered, leaning into the touch. Tendou was thorough, massaging every inch of Suga’s scalp, lingering longer than needed. When he was finished, his fingers trailed down Suga’s neck and over his shoulders. He leaned Suga back again, rinsing the shampoo away. 

After Suga sat up, though… Tendou’s hands lingered. He traced up Suga’s sides, over his arms, his fingers raising goosebumps in their wake. Suga’s breath hitched, and his eyes slipped shut. He should pull away. He should stop this. In less than twenty four hours, he would be home, and Tendou would leave. He was already too attached. He didn’t know how he was going to go back to a life without Tendou’s bright presence in it.

He couldn’t deny himself this, though. He was too weak. Too selfish. He let Tendou’s touch draw him in, until he was leaning back, cradled against Tendou’s chest. They stayed like that until the water grew cool, both of them seemingly afraid to move lest it break the spell. 

When they finally got out, Suga watched the glistening water until the last of it swirled around the drain and disappeared. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THIS FIC I PROMISE.
> 
> I just haven't been writing all that much lately. Oops. 
> 
> Also I realized I never responded to comments on the last chapter, but I have read them all MULTIPLE times and I love you all and your comments keep me going <3

Suga awoke the next morning with the distinct feeling of having slept for an extremely long time, but also a lingering bone-deep exhaustion that told him he could easily go back to sleep for hours to come. He was just about to drift back off when he registered a dull ache in his hip and the presence of a warm, solid body next to his. He cracked an eye open and discovered the cause: apparently at some point in the night he’d migrated from his own futon halfway onto Tendou’s. His upper body was draped over Tendou, but his feet were still on his own futon--leaving his hip in the foot or so of space left between the two. 

He shifted, wincing as a pins-and-needles sensation shot down his leg. He made to roll back onto his own futon, hoping he could do so without Tendou noticing what had happened, but before he could make it far an arm tightened around his waist, holding him fast.

“Nnh… ‘s too early.”

Suga’s thought process was utterly forgotten as he was overcome by the adorable, grumpy pout on Tendou’s still half-asleep face. 

“I was just gonna move back onto my own futon,” he said gently. “I must have shifted in the night.”

“Mn-nnh. Y’re warm.” Tendou’s arms snaked firmly around Suga’s waist, rolling him fully onto Tendou’s futon.

“Tendou, there’s no room…”

“Please,” Tendou said, his voice low and somehow much more clear than it had been a moment ago. Suga didn’t have it in him to argue--not when the lure of Tendou’s warm embrace was already so strong. He let his head fall into the crook of Tendou’s shoulder, tugging the blanket up so it covered them both.

With Tendou’s arms wrapped securely around him, and his warm breath gently ruffling his hair, Suga easily drifted back to sleep. 

***

The next time he woke up, it was to Nanako opening the door to the room. 

“Hey you two,” she said, “I know you were tired, but you’ve been asleep for like fifteen hours. You should probably think about getting up soon.” She crossed the room and opened the blinds a bit, letting sunlight stream in. 

Suga reluctantly blinked his eyes open, but Tendou whined, stubbornly turning his head further into the pillow, away from the light. 

“C’mon, Satorin, I made breakfast. And I have that matcha latte mix you like.”

“Don’t wanna,” Tendou grumbled. Suga couldn’t help but giggle; in all the time he’d stayed with Tendou, he’d rarely woken up before him. Tendou usually had to get up first for class, so seeing him this groggy and grumpy was a different experience. 

“I know you don’t, you overgrown baby, but if I’m driving you two to Miyagi today we need to get a move on. I promised mom we’d be there by dinnertime.”

“That’s okay, we can just stay here,” Tendou mumbled against the pillow.

There was a pang in Suga’s chest. He kind of wished that they _could_ just stay here. That he could forget about what was waiting for him at home, about how colossally he’d fucked up and about all the people he’d hurt. That he could just stay here with Tendou in ignorant bliss. 

Nanako let out a deep, long-suffering sigh. “If you get up now, I’ll let you have control of the aux cord in the car.”

Tendou cracked one eye open. “The whole way?”

“Ugh… I’m going to regret this, but if it’ll get you up, then yes.”

“Okay, you have a deal,” Tendou said, opening his eyes fully and stretching with an obnoxiously loud yawn, his joints letting out a chorus of pops that had Suga wincing. 

Breakfast was quiet. Tendou seemed to be groggy still, sipping his matcha latte while Suga made quick work of the rolled omelette and rice Nanako had made.

“You gonna eat anything?” Suga asked Tendou.

It was Nanako who answered first, though, shaking her head. “Takes Satorin a while to get his engine going. He’ll probably get hungry as soon as we’re in the car and want to stop and get something at a conbini.”

Tendou just shrugged, making no effort to deny the accusation. “Besides, lattes count as breakfast.”

“You’re hopeless,” Nanako said. “Please tell me you actually ate vegetables while you were in America.”

“Yes, _mom,”_ Tendou said. “I ate a good, balanced diet. I even made sure Semi ate his vegetables, too!”

Nanako snorted. “Are you sure that wasn’t the other way around? Semi-kun seems like the type to eat pretty healthy.”

“I would’ve thought so, too,” Suga said, “until I saw him during exams. So I can back him up on that one; I personally witnessed him telling Semi to eat a vegetable.”

Tendou beamed obnoxiously at his sister. 

“Alright, alright, you win this round, you string bean. Now finish drinking that so we can hit the road; I wanna be out of here by one o’clock,” Nanako said, standing up and clearing her own dishes. Suga followed suit, passing her his dishes after she turned down his offer to help wash them. 

Despite Tendou’s sluggishness, they were all changed and out the door with all of their luggage within half an hour. As they walked to the car, the relaxed mood brought on by the bright atmosphere of Nanako’s apartment and the warm presence of Nanako herself began to fade, chased away by the return of that gnawing, all-encompassing anxiety. Once they were in that car, it was real. 

He was going home.

***

It had been nearly two long years since Suga had last laid eyes on his childhood home. 

He was filled with conflicting emotions at the sight. There was a sense of relief that went bone deep, but at the same time he felt as if he’d swallowed a ball of lead. It sat heavy in his stomach, anxiety and shame and fear. 

He swallowed around the lump in his throat, tearing his gaze away from the car window. 

"Thank you again for the ride," he said, attempting to plaster on a polite smile. "And for dinner last night, and letting me stay."

"Of course," Nanako said. "It's not that often Satorin brings new friends over. Next time I'll make you Anatole's favorite curry. He likes it super spicy."

Suga looked down at his feet. How readily Nanako accepted him, welcoming him like family… if only he would actually have the chance to take her up on that offer. He knew, though, that this would probably be the last time he saw Tendou Nanako. 

"Thanks," he said again, and then forced himself to get out of the car. Tendou, naturally, followed him. He grabbed Suga's suitcase himself, staying right behind him as Suga started up the sidewalk. 

Then--before he was ready for it--the door opened, and his mom stepped outside. 

Suga froze.

If he hadn’t been prepared for seeing Asahi and Daichi again, he really wasn’t prepared for this. He was afraid to even breathe, staring wide-eyed as he tried to gauge how she would react to seeing him. She had stopped in the doorway, one hand still on the frame as her eyes met his.

She looked… she looked just the same. It could have been just yesterday that she dropped him off at the airport with a tearful goodbye and wishes of good luck. 

Suga was all too aware of the time that had passed, though. The guilt of nearly two long years’ separation ate at him, sitting heavy in his chest and coiling in his gut. He could already feel the bone-deep relief of finally being _home,_ of seeing his mom again, but it was overshadowed by his anxiety. This was the moment the bandaid was ripped off. He knew he needed to just swallow his pride, apologize, and accept whatever consequences he deserved. He couldn’t move, though, his feet fixed to the spot. He could feel his face crumpling, anxious tears welling in his eyes as he faced her. 

Her inscrutable expression softened suddenly, and she took several steps forward, extending her arms towards him. 

“Koushi,” she said gently, her eyes gleaming with unfathomable emotion. 

“Kaasan,” Suga said, his voice hitching around a sob. “I’m… I’m sorry.” He stumbled forward, eyes blurring with tears.

“Oh, baby,” she said, closing the distance and wrapping him in a firm embrace. “I’ve got you. It’s okay… it’s gonna be okay.”

Suga clung to her, tears streaming down his face. For all that he had almost a full head on his mother in height, in this moment he felt so very small. He felt like a little kid again, when all he needed was his mother’s embrace to make it feel like everything was going to be okay. 

After a long moment his mom stepped back, looking up at him and brushing his hair out of his face. “Look how long it is,” she said, pulling her sleeve over her hand to scrub away his tears.

Suga smiled sheepishly. “It was longer before last night,” he said. “Tendou’s sister cut it for me.”

“I like it,” she said, and then her gaze turned past Suga to fall on Tendou where he stood uncertainly in front of Nanako’s car. “This is Tendou-kun, I take it?”

“Yeah,” Suga said, sniffling and turning to smile at Tendou. 

His mom took several steps forward until she was standing just before Tendou, practically craning her neck to look up at him. 

“Tendou-kun…”

“Y-yeah?”

She held his gaze for another moment before dropping into a deep bow, bending so low her hair brushed the ground. 

“_Thank you so much for taking care of my son,”_ she said.

Tendou froze, staring wide-eyed. 

“Wh--I didn’t--please, you don’t have to--”

She stood up, and even though Suga couldn’t see her face he knew she was pinning Tendou with her most intense stare. “Tendou-kun, you were there for my boy when I couldn’t be. You helped bring him home to me. That is something I can never repay you for. So… Tendou-kun, would it be alright if I hugged you now?”

Tendou blinked several times. Uh, y-yes?”

Suga watched in absolute bewilderment as his tiny, barely over five feet tall mother pulled all six feet and two inches of Tendou into a hug so tight she lifted him bodily off the ground. Tendou let out a surprised yelp, his hands shooting out to grab at her shoulders to stabilize himself. 

Suga laughed. He couldn’t help it; it was just so like his mom. Asahi and Daichi had always said that she must have passed the chaos gene down to him (and joked that their lives would be easier if he was more like his calm, good-natured dad). Suga had been so preoccupied by his own reunion with his mom that he hadn’t thought to give Tendou any sort of warning. 

“Kaasan, please put him down. You’re gonna topple over if you lift him any more.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” she said, but she did set Tendou back on his feet. “I do my yoga every day, I’ll have you know.”

“I don’t care how good your balance is, his center of gravity is _already_ too goddamn high. He doesn’t need your help.” Suga still felt uncertain, but there was something comforting about the familiar rhythm of their banter. 

“Sweetie, you’re just still upset that you ended up being shorter than both Asahi-kun and Daichi-kun. Don’t take it out on poor Tendou-kun.”

Tendou, meanwhile, was still staring at them with wide eyes, obviously uncertain how he was supposed to react. Suga cleared his throat, stepping past his mom towards Tendou.

“I… I should let you get going,” he said reluctantly, looking up at Tendou. He didn’t truly want him to leave. He’d been dreading this moment, the moment he finally had to say goodbye not only to Tendou, but to the sweet fantasy he’d been living in for the past month. Not only that, but he wasn’t sure how much of the easy dynamic he’d fallen back into with his mom was simply for Tendou’s benefit; he wasn’t sure what would happen once they were in private. 

“He could come in for tea!” Suga’s mom said.

If only. Suga would love to have an excuse to prolong Tendou’s inevitable departure, but with Nanako waiting in the car, it wasn’t going to happen.

“No, his sister drove us. She’s in the car.”

“Ah, okay. I’ll give you two a minute, then. Tendou-kun, thank you again. You’re welcome anytime.”

With that, his mom disappeared back into the house. They both stood in silence for a moment before Tendou finally spoke.

“I… probably really should get going. My mom has been texting me the whole ride here asking when we’d get home.”

Suga let out a huff of strained laughter. 

This was it, then.

“Thank you,” he said. “For… for everything, Tendou. I really…”

“I’ll see you, yeah?” Tendou said, a wide smile stretching across his face. Maybe it was just Suga projecting his own feelings, but he wasn’t sure the smile met Tendou’s eyes. 

“Yeah,” Suga echoed, wishing the sentiment was more than just empty words. Sure, he might see Tendou around. But it would never be the same. Giving into his selfish desires one last time, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Tendou’s waist, pulling him into a tight hug. Tendou’s arms came to rest over his shoulders, one thumb rubbing a soft pattern into his back. Suga held on as long as he dared, with his mom and Nanako both probably watching them, before he finally forced himself to step away. 

Tendou cleared his throat. “Bye, Suga,” he said with a wave, and then he turned away. Suga watched as he got back into Nanako’s car and they drove off.

He didn’t go inside until they’d long disappeared around the corner. 


End file.
